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I find that I am able to get a lot of things that people associate with relationships, elsewhere. I can always take myself out somewhere (or ask friends), can get emotional needs met through journaling or therapy or friends or finding the right venues to vent online. Sex is easy enough to simulate on your own as well. But idk, I see people in relationships and I feel like the one thing I can't really get on my own is physical touch.
Sometimes I just want a hug, or cuddle with someone. Maybe I just wish someone was holding my hand. Idk, stuff like that. I don't (and can't) have any pets so I can't just cuddle up with a cat. I do share hugs with my friends when appropriate, but I'm overall not a touchy-feely person with friends, and I feel like the type of physical closeness (not sexual) is something I'd want from a person I'm in a relationship with and not necessarily the type of thing you'd ask of a friend if that makes sense.
How do you deal? Or how do you just generally handle it when you feel like you're missing out on things that you can't get as a single person? Like I said, for the most part I feel self sufficient and able to do most things on my own or with friends, but that sort of affection feels reserved for people who are dating/in relationships/etc and there's not really any good alternatives.
I know what you mean. I miss non sexual intimacy a lot more than sex or any other aspect of a relationship, too. Sleeping in someone's arms, cuddling on the sofa, walking arm in arm... things like that. I recently threw out my back and it would have been so great to have an SO around to put ointment on my back and give me a massage (I went to a physical therapist instead and she fixed my back, don't worry).
I mean, I love my pets and cuddling with them but that's not really something the cat can do for you. I don't have a solution, either. Cuddling with my pets, splurging for a massage every now and then and light cuddling with (female!) friends and family members who are okay with it... that's what I do.
To be honest, I miss this and other practical aspects of day to day life (like sharing chores/expenses, having a second set of hands around, having someone to pick up the slack when I am sick...) so much more than anything romantic or sexual that comes with a relationship. But I couldn't stand having a platonic roommate in my own apartment either, so what can you do? My dream would be something like a shared living situation with friends where everyone has and respects their own space and the communal aspect only comes into play when someone needs it. A big house with several separate apartments or a huge lot with multiple small houses and if you need something, a friend living next door can just drop in and you share communal chores (like yardwork and repairs) and maybe even something like a big pantry...
the way i deal with these feelings is reminding myself that ther are TONS of experiences i'll never have and i'm perfectly capable of living without them. for example, i'd love to travel to japan, it's not impossible, but it's unlikely to happen for many reasons. it makes me sad, but it's ok. there are other things i can experience. and i've learned to appreciate those things. same goes for romantic love, good sex and everything related to those. i looked for love and sexual satisfaction with men for basically a decade and it wasn't only unfrutful, it was traumatizing. i see straight couples, all i can think of is "girl... why are you doing this to yourself? it's all a big scam. run for your life." another thing that helps me is think about the reality of what men have to offer. how it used to be (not great), how it is today (bad), where it seems to be going in the future (not good). basically, we can't win. so why bother? i know, i know... scarcity mindset is not the FDS way to look at dating. but honestly, whenever i think about dating realistically, especially considering my own personal preferences and life goals, i always reach the same conclusion. HVM do exist, but they are extremely rare, are looking for women who have a completely different life style from me, probably want to have kids (i don't)... the math tells me it's not possible for me. i don't like the viable options around me and i will NOT lower my standards. if there's a HVM for me out there, he's gonna have to come find me, 'cause i'm not spending another precious ATP molecule trying to find him.
besides, ever since i gave up on dating a few years ago, i have been able to level up significantly. i've changed careers, found a good job (still not ideal, but it's the best i've ever had and it will help me get better jobs in the future), i've even bought an apartment (still a long way to go until it's actually mine, but that's how it starts haha). all of that in 3 years! this is what i have achieved so far after i stopped wasting my energy on trying to find a man. and no more traumas since the last one 3 years ago.
i'll take my current loneliness over a physical intimacy anytime!
Professional massages work for me. Even a spa facial works. Splurge on good ones and you'll leave feeling pampered and cared for.
When I have been single and seeking human touch and affection, I tend to spend more time with friends who I know are comfortable with close platonic intimacy. I have a few friends who I can cuddle up to while watching a movie, or hold hands with while walking down the street, and with whom I can go on a romantic friend-date. We’ll take all the time we want to get a perfect picture together, kiss each other on the cheek, and do things together with more physical closeness than I would with friends I don’t know as well.
As a bonus, these are all people who I feel very safe being emotionally vulnerable around, and vice versa. We have a level of trust that I’m not even sure how to begin to approach with a man.
My advice: start talking about this issue with your close friends, and find out who else may be struggling with this too. Sometimes, just beginning the conversation can help change the way people feel about platonic intimacy, and you may find that you have some people already in your corner who would be happy to help you fill that need, maybe even already have that kind of friendship with other people… and your friendship could grow even deeper from it.
Whilst its important to develop self sufficiency in much of life, it's also important to remember that the need for human affection, love and contact is just that: a need. Children can literally die without it, and grown people, and yes, us women, are much better off WITH it. So I want to validate your need as totally normal. Congrats - you're alive.
where it (the affection) comes from, of course, is key. it's a shame you can't have pets.
as some other have suggested, you could try massage.
some other options: cat/puppy cafe, or volunteering at a rescue, professional cuddle service, at home spa/bath (water immersion is sensory so whilst its not human contact it is still tactile), hot water bottle, 'boyfriend pillow' or other body pillow, @ home massage devices (chair, mat, gun, or you can use your imagination). Self massage for face, body, or other.
And yeah some women are more comfortable with platonic touch than others. In some cultures its more normal than others.
I feel you and I wish you luck!
Every time I see a post online about this, it's not just on FDS, but across the internet in general. The responses are always the same, with only a few mentioning the reality.
The reality is that human touch is one of our most basic, primal needs. Touch deprivation is correlated with negative health outcomes such as anxiety, depression, and immune system disorders.
Are we just going to keep lying to ourselves and distracting ourselves with other things to make us believe we don’t need human intimacy? If you didn’t need it, then as an FDS member, why are you even on this site?
When I crave physical closeness, I book a massage. It’s so healing to be touched non-sexually, and it helps loosen any tight muscles.
I also get a facial every month. Just being in the company of a skilled, compassionate woman who is treating my skin like gold, is very affirming.
These are ways I invest in self-care. The world can be tough, and friends can only provide so much comfort. We have to look out for our bodies’ needs.
this is the one thing I struggle with also and I think most of us who de centre men feel the exact same way. It’s the one thing that sometimes I feel I’m missing because I feel like doing everything else on my own or with friends etc it’s fine but when it comes to physical touch it’s hard to replace that feeling by yourself. I also do want to have good sex as I’ve been celibate for almost 3 years due to a previous experience with a complete dusty that I will never ever allow to happen again but I do miss just having good fun sex with someone and not having to question myself after it but it’s the price you sometimes have to pay for your self worth and sanity because I can’t be dealing with any more losers lol