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I meet this guy on Tinder and we hit it off. We went on a date to meet and he was great. He was a gentleman and paid and contributed equally to the conversation. There was a real connection. We meet in person a handful more times in the following weeks but ultimately went our separate ways after his landlord suddenly decided to move home and evicted this guy and his roommate (verified). We both expressed similar feelings about this, suggesting he take some time to sort his shit out and I'd just keep on keepin on. No bs excuses or false promises, it wasn't like that.
A few months later he started texting me and expressing remorse and felt the decision to halt seeing each other had been made hastily because of heightened emotions during a stressful time (cool story lol). But because we'd had that connection I responded and said maybe but I'm not gonna just jump back in and see him right away. I wanted to start over and make sure it was worth pursuing.
I ended up getting cold feet after having several other major decisions to make in my own life and told him that dating was no longer a priority for me. He was nice enough about that (I thought) and seemed to genuinely get it. He'd send a few more texts after that letting me know he still was here for me if I just wanted to talk. He acted like I'd expect a genuine friend to act.
That only lasted a month or two before his texts started sounding increasingly desperate. Emphasizing how strong our connection had been and things we'd laughed about and were passionate about. Most of his messages came at regular daytime hours and were definitely sober-talk. But one night in particular, after he'd been drinking, he would text me saying things like he felt like he'd already been questioning if he may have started to feel love, and how sorry he was for not trying harder after accepting that. Then it got real weird/drunk and he said shit like "I'm serious, what can I do to have another chance? Do you want a kid? I'll give you a kid! I fell in love with you hard and fast and I've never felt something so real."
I ignored all of this but he's at it again tonight and since I'm new here I thought it'd be an interesting discussion! To be clear, I have no intention of even replying right now, let alone seeing him again. I'm on to other things but I'd like us to shed some light on some of the red flags and signs that this would have been an unhealthy endeavor (in my own opinion, but if you disagree I'd love to know why!). What does desperation like this say to you? When does it go from infatuation to obsession (in general)? Or just laugh with me about these drunk texts haha either way!
Edit because I had a follow up thought: when might this be considered sweet and when is it definitely not? Does past behavior make a difference?
Block and delete sis. He is clingy and disrespects your boundaries and is not getting it. Your no response is a response and a HVM will know to stop reaching out the minute a woman is no longer interested. He only loves himself and can’t believe you were ok with ending things without much reaction from you.
he is a danger to you acting obsessive. this is something abusers and serial killers and stalkers do is get obsessed and profess their love early.
when it comes to safety-fuck everything else! Don’t take the chance that he is “just being sweet”.
There is no option of giving benefit of the doubt when there is a sign you can be in danger . your safety trumps any feelings he has even if it comes from an innocent or desperate place on his end.
It is good that you are not interested! yes definitely block and delete.
addressing past behavior-past behavior does not matter because vetting never ends. How many women are with a wonderful guy for months or even years and he suddenly becomes a scrote? Usually once they move in together or get married or have a baby. Scrote men can pretend to be and act hv for a long long time and are good at that act.
"What can I do? Do you want a kid? I'll give you a kid!"
Sis, I'm finding it hard to articulate my disgust with this level of desperate approach.
It proves he only views you as an object to acquire. He just wants to acquire you. You're not a person at this point.
Even your own instincts are screaming at you to get rid of him. Nothing about his behaviour is normal or usual.
Block n delete. Please stay safe.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m literally dealing with the same thing right now—desperate guy it’s over with (he ended it!) harasses me with texts, especially when drunk—sometimes crazy, desperate texts. I blocked him on WhatsApp yesterday and he started emailing me last night at 4 am. Which is extra desperate because I often do 24-72 hour tech diets so me not getting his texts for a few hours shouldn’t have concerned him that much.
Honestly I just find it pathetic. They are immature children in adult bodies, throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get their way—when they’re not even clear on what ”their way” is in the first place. It’s male entitlement combined with arrested development. Especially telling someone you barely know “I love you”—that is a fucked up thing to say to someone you barely know, and it betrays their own deep-seated issues.
Some guys just cannot accept rejection. They’ll dump a girl first because they can sense/are paranoid she’ll leave him soon. Then they’ll realize they didn’t actually want the relationship to end and come crawling back (often drunk) and harass you and beg for some affection, and they’ll wonder how they ended up in such a shitty, sad position without accepting responsibility for the fact that they created it all by themselves.
If this guy was even remotely worth your time he wouldn’t harass you with texts. He’d ask you to meet him somewhere in-person, offer to pay for your coffee/meal, and tell you his feelings ONCE in a dignified way—and accept your response. Block him and never look back.
Also, the thing about wanting to "give you a baby"? Wtf? Nothing would get my child-free ass running the other way faster than a man thinking he can solve my problems by impregnanting me. Even a woman who wants kids DOES NOT want kids under those circumstances. That tells me that he doesnt understand women, he believes that women are all characitures of some stereotypical Woman(tm), and that he doesnt believe that women are human beings in the same way that men are human beings. Is that a stretch for me to make that assumption? NO!
What's attractive about a desperate man? Exactly nothing, and in fact a desperate man is one step away from an obsessed one, which is one step away from being a stalker. Any self-respecting woman will block and delete before things get ugly, and given the texts here, I'd say that is just around the corner.
Wheyher it's genuine, sweet, creepy, whatever, isn't the biggest issue here. First and foremost, this sobbing, pathetic desperation is unattractive as hell. How could a woman ever be intereated in a man again after seeing him (or reading his texts) in that state?
"Those texts were a turn off" is a TERRIFIC reason to block and delete.
Ooof, yep that's a huge red flag. Any relationship with him will surely turn toxic. He may have seemed completely fine before, but this is shedding some light on an issue regarding boundaries and tough emotional situations. It's likely that some stuff is happening to him and he's dealing with uncertainty in his life, and I've met so many men that would freak out and try to use other people as lifelines/crutches. They always try to play it like they felt a gEnUiNe cOnNeCtioN and their feelings were sO sTrOnG "from the get-go" (of course). They try to make you feel special so you cater to their needs. It's always an extremely toxic dynamic.
In a lot of the cases I've witnessed, these men didn't particularly care about the woman, they just foresaw a potential opportunity for comfort and stability and, likely, a therapist during difficult times.
Also that "Do you want a kid? I'll give you a kid!" 🚩🚩🚩 ... he's not trying to date a woman and raise a family, he's trying to secure an asset... R.U.N.
These would be red flags for me:
- Tinder
-met in person a handful more times —so, low effort hangouts and not dates?
-not a homeowner and it sounds like limited savings for unexpected events, especially if a roommate is needed to pay rent
- the reconnection text feels sounds like it was to elicit sympathy and not him taking accountability and making a very clear request to take you on another date
- made himself too available to talk —aka friend zone hoping to become more without risking as much rejection
- ramped up attempts to garner your sympathy & give in out of pity
- the drunk texts and frantic follow up texts are just him becoming increasingly desperate and not understanding how to gracefully take a no
Overall, I bet this guy is a black hole for emotional support and sees your strength as a resource to soothe his rejection-sensitivity & be his leader. You’d find yourself compensating for his incompetence, soothing his ego, and progressively receiving less and less emotional intimacy. Because it’s all about him, and he’s deeply insecure.
Why didn't you block him sooner?
Harsh truth: there's no such thing as a break or agreeing to keeping on keeping on. All that weird language and gray zone is what lvm do to pickmes to keep them as an option.
If you're not actively DATING him then you BLOCK and delete him. It does not matter what the reason was.
Yet you would chat it up and kept entertaining this clown lvm. Nah sis.
Lvm do a shit test where they will try to take a break and get you agreeing to it, whilst they go out and look for easier to attain bangmaids.
You need to have more respect for yourself you aren't an option especially now that you passed his shit test with flying colors. You need to run, block him asap.
Albeit creepy, his texts are only words; they mean nothing. They're not sweet. He just wants attention. Has he actually done any actions to prove he actually likes you? Didn't he already let you go once? This is just plain old manipulative bs.
I agree with the comments that say he would actually take you out somewhere or DO something if he actually wanted to be with you.
Ignore until such time or he spends a lot of money/sends you a very nice gift or bouquet.