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I'm at a point in life where every single person in my current social circle who is around my age is female. I'm against the idea of joining activities for the sake of meeting men (no point in paying for hobby classes to increase my chances of meeting men as it costs money and I am more likely to encounter LVM than HVM). I'm also against paying for speed dating and matchmakers as they are expensive. OLD seems to be full of creeps and catfishes so it's a no from me.
I think my only chances of meeting men these days is being set up by people we mutually know or as strangers. Meeting as strangers seems random and I can't help but feel like men who hit on female strangers are either pick up artists or scammers.
How do set ups work though? Do I speak to people I know and ask if know anyone that can be setted up with me? I don't know if this works and if it is giving off pick me vibes. I also can't help but feel like if my friends and family knew a single guy compatible with me, they would have already settled me up with him.
I was set up once that I can clearly remember, and it was disastrous. I ended up in a traumatizing three-month relationship with a man who presented well in the first couple months and revealed himself to be a screaming abuser in the third month.
Your mileage may vary, but I wouldn't recommend it.
I have never had success with setups, and I will explain why.
Most well-meaning friends who want to “set me up”, whether of their own volition or because I asked if they knew anyone/had anyone in mind for me, set me up with some Generic Single Man. Not because he’s a good fit, not because he’s my type, nor because he shares my values—they just know some random single guy (my cousin, my coworker, my neighbor’s son who hasn’t moved out yet, etc).
Depending on the person setting you up, if they’re not in the best relationship, they are not going to support your list of dealbreakers, and will expect you to settle in the same way that they did.
And they will say, “Oh, he’s so nice. He’s just socially awkward. He just had a difficult past. He just etc etc etc” to justify his behavior.
You can certainly try, though. “Hey, [friend/whoever], I’m looking to date seriously. I’d like to get married and start a family, and I’m looking for a man on the same page. Do you know anyone who might be on the same page?” Or something along those lines.
I don’t think it’s much different than hiring a matchmaker or using a dating app, but again you’re welcome to try and see what happens. I just wouldn’t put much stock in it.
Yeah I think that the issue is that birds of a feather flock together. A low value person is likely to only set you up with LVM because their social circle is full of low value people. In addition to that, LVM and pickmes are likely to empathise with the man in the situation i.e. they'll set you up with a man because they think you'll be good for him NOT because they think he's good for you.
Having said that, if a high value person who knew me well offered to set me up, I would consider it because their social circle is likely to be full of other high value people and also, if they're not a pickme or LVM, then they're more likely to think in terms of what I might get out of the relationship and not just him. I suppose what I'm saying is that the quality of the set up depends greatly on the quality of the person making the match in the first place.
My friends think I’m too picky, so they wouldn’t be able to recommend anyone.
If you go this route, ensure your friends & family know your standards, otherwise they’ll set you up with an uggo porn addict with no job - because “he’s lonely and needs a woman.”
I once was stupid enough to accept a set up. Some background information: I had suffered from a work related burnout the year prior. Had therapy, healed, was back working fulltime in a stressful environment. Anyway, because of that experience, they thought I'd get along splendidly with... a schizophrenic who couldn't work. Yeaaahhh. Because we'd "get" eachother. I lasted 5 minutes at that date then blocked them both.