How do I forgive myself for being a pickme in the past?

Before "pickme" was even a popular term, about 10+ years ago, I had some very bad pickme moments.

It stemmed from seeing pickme media and in peers, and all the stuff that taught me women had to "work" to earn or keep a man. I had some well meaning people in my life who would have old fashioned advice and question why I would be acting desperate and seeing someone who was taking advantage of me. I was told to stop seeing them. But I took it as an attack somehow??

The reason why I am kicking myself is, even though this was many years before FDS, I didn't understand where they were coming from. The advice hurt, and wasnt what i wanted to hear, because my relationships never seemed to work out. I had good intentions, and thought a man wanting me around meant he cared. I thought I was the problem, and I just needed to be good enough and not expect too much from the man. Of course I wanted more affection, but thought the last time I had that romance was unrealistic. I had gained 10 lbs and was convinced he was doing me a favor by being with me.

I didn't get the message here at FDS because nothing FDS-adjacent was widely available/popular enough to hear about IME. We were at the peak of libfem back them, and I wanted to badly to be a good ally to what I thought libfem was.

so when I got this old fashioned, we'll meaning advice, telling me i should drop him, instead I heard, "you are acting desperate, this guy is treating you like he is above you, so something is wrong with you." I thought I needed to work harder, that I needed to prove that he was a good person. And then, when I would be with him, he would attack my personality, my looks, my opinions, my hobbies, etc. Aside from my close friends, people I had to work with also excluded me from the clique, and I wanted to prove I was also lovable/attractive/mature enough for a relationship with a man who cared about me.

I had myself in therapy but the therapists didn't really voice concern about the relationships. And I got the idea I had a personality disorder because I couldn't just shut up and be happy with this man, and accept his lack of affection as "normal." I thought the high school romance i had was unrealistic, that nobody gets fairytales, and this was how realistic mature relationships work, even when it is was only 3 months in and he acted like it was annoying when I breathed. Turns out that wasn't it.

But, I struggle so much with my pickme past. I didn't know better, and had such a low opinion of myself, but I also didn't listen to advice that had some common sense. I don't know why I didn't read the well-meaning advice the way it was intended, and I think I am grieving for my past self. I feel like my pickme past is like a scarlet letter sometimes. And I am kicking myself for not sucking it up and listening to an opinion that hurt me. If i had just listened to this person who told me the way it was, or maybe asked more about what they meant instead of shutting down, maybe i could have left after a few week instead of months.

yet I think my pickme brain also rationalized that the man who I was with truly cared because he didn't inflate my ego aand didn't make me think too highly of myself. Nearly every man I dated has nitpicked parts of me, usually my looks, intellect, hobbies, etc. And this was no exception. He was not sorry at all for how he treated me, even when I was getting anxiety attacks before going to see him. I tried talking about it and was told I was just crazy, or that I was lying . I don't know, it still messes with me and I wonder if I was really the narcissistic one. I wonder if I was narcissistic to think that keeping expectations low and staying around for someone who invited me over and said he was my bf (but acted like he didn't like me) could have turned more romantic and earned his respect over time. He outright told me I needed to earn it. And, the cold, disapproving and smug face as he looked at me from the side still haunts me sometimes. I think I shied away from eye contact for a while because so many men would tell me terrible things, with no remorse, while looking into my eyes.

I don't know, I feel like a big dummy. What makes it hurt less for you? I feel sad for that girl 10+ years ago, who was told by her "boyfriend" that her expressions of happiness (or at the very least efforts to slap on a smile to be happy when clearly he was making zero effort to make me happy) were off-putting. I never got these types of comments from friends, family, or even strangers. Just men.