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I always try to learn new things and level up as much as I can. Improve my vetting method to make it harder for LVM. But so far apologies of HVM are never discussed. Ppl who say sorry but appear empty handed aren't that sorry, they want to get rid of the idea that they owe you something. And ppl who apologise over text msg will always be ignored assuming those are people low in value.
But what if a HVM makes a mistake? For example he arrives too late due to traffic or anything that’s unacceptable. Whats the proper apology FDS approved?
I believe not getting upset when I can’t give instant forgiveness and willing to give space as much as I need If I mention that I don’t feel like talking now Is in my opinion a sign that the person had no idea a Line has been crossed.
Because when it comes to LVM they don’t take No for an answer, they want to talk it out right away even when you’re still angry, so that they don’t have to go to bed with a guilty feeling. Heaps of them assume that an apology is enough and then talk to you like everything is fine but become angry when you are still showing signs that you’re not happy With them.
I forgave a ghoster who wrote a whole apology message and doesn’t want to tolerate that things will not be the same again, he wanted a clean slate and then came with another excuse to ghost because he got on my nerves again and he feels like he’s just walking on egg shells.
So I wonder What apology and amend is acceptable, what signs will show that this behaviour will not be repeated again? what kinds of apologies doesn’t deserve any acknowledgments. Or is the one strike and you are out the only way to handle things?
Great question! For me I would hope it would be something like this:
1. Actually apologizing (“I’m sorry for making you worry…”), no beating around the bush
2. I think explanations show courtesy but only if they are not used as an excuse (“I lost track of time and…”)
3. A plan going forward (“…but I will make sure to set an alarm next time so I’m not late.”)
The next step would be the follow through which I find most men can’t/won’t do. That’s the real sign of an HVP apology.
This ties in with the broader topic of taking responsibility, which is one of the main patriarchy-induced flaws that most men have. I don't think it makes sense to dissect a single apology, it's the general pattern of behavior of a man that will tell you if he is the outlier who takes responsibility or your average scrote who believes to the core that women are responsible for his mistakes and consequence for their actions is literal violence. There are many indicators that will tell you how to tell them apart, the apology is just a symptom. Especially since abusive men are specialists at crafting convincing apologies. You need to look at the bigger picture.
I’d imagine apologizing would be accepting what they’ve done wrong and verbalizing this. Then never doing that behaviour again.
obviously if they do something really bad an apology wouldn’t matter because why would they be hurtful if they like and respect you. But for smaller, reasonable things I think it’s accepting what they’ve done wrong and changing that behaviour or if they want to go that extra mile , they could make it up to you somehow.
I think this is a good way for anyone tbh. We all make mistakes, but what separates the hv from lv is how we respond when we make a mistake and what we learn from it too.
I can recall a particular example where my HVM said the wrong thing, in an egregious though unintentional way. I’ll spare the details, but he instantly and fully knew his mistake just by seeing the expression on my face. He did a lot of apologizing, but the line that stays with me is that he said “I’m sorry I failed you.” Even though it was ultimately just one bad comment, he was distraught to his core that he had hurt me and betrayed my confidence. He also promised me that he fully understood his mistake, he had learned, and he would do better. Nothing like that has happened again since.
If a man does not express intense regretfulness, humility, repentance, and resolve to improve when he hurts you (and of course also *almost never* does so), then he doesn’t truly love and care for you.
They say they are sorry and never do it again.
But it depends on the "mistake", it had better be fairly minor.
Some things are an automatic relationship ender.
The only apology is a change in behavior. To give an example from my own relationship: he barely talked to me for 2 days because he was going through something emotionally, and while I knew about it, I still felt shut out. It was still the beginning of our relationship so I felt insecure even though I could understand that we weren't that close yet. Anyway, when he realized I was feeling hurt, he called me, said he was sorry, said he didn't want to make people feel like he was pushing them away, and that he understands why I'm upset. So, he acknowledged the effect his behavior had and my right to be upset. He then proceeded to give me space and didn't expect me to be "back to normal" right away. I felt I could forgive him. And then, most importantly, it never happened again and he made sure to never pull away because of shame but accept that his loved ones were not going to judge him for not feeling his best, and that he doesn't have to sort everything out by himself. This is a common theme for many men, but I wasn't willing to perform the labor of drawing him out, so I made it clear that I expect him to open up by himself. He did, and he didn't whine about it or make me feel like I was nagging him. He did the work, he did the introspection, and I have never felt shut out since.
The best apology is a change of behaviour. An apology without change is not an apology it’s an excuse.
https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1150972343/how-to-say-sorry-give-good-apology