How did you meet your HVM and what was your first date like?

We had known each other from school but lost touch over the years, he contacted me over a social platform about 10 years later. It was just platonic contact for months, but we quickly found out we have lots in common, and when the stars aligned (meaning: I was out of my previous, abusive relationship), he asked to meet in person. I don't have this super amazing first date story, and unlike some FDSers I don't believe it's a make or break thing. I did find it cute that before we first met, he learned a song for me and recorded himself playing it because he knew I liked it. On our first meeting, his aura of warmth, kindness and gentlemanliness immediately stood out to me, and we immediately clicked humor-wise. I had brought leftovers of my birthday cake to share (my idea, might have been “too much” on my part, but I did want to have it eaten before it would have gone bad). The next time we met he brought me cookies and candy based on an offhand comment I had made so that showed me he was listening to me and also that he wanted to repay me for the cake. He was also extremely respectful of my boundaries (still is) and while he expressed his interest plainly and clearly, he didn't push for us to date at all because he wanted to give me the time and space to decide whether I was ready. He always asked for consent with everything. He was willing to be vulnerable. He is not and was never interested in short-term flings or hookups and that was clear from the start. He is very affectionate and really made and makes an effort to understand me. I could list many more positive things like this but the gist of it that he is calm, loving and loyal. Doesn't hurt that he's very handsome in my eyes too, haha. The strongest and best protective instinct I have is whether I can freely and willingly imagine sex with a guy, even my past relationships mainly failed that test. I am VERY much on guard with physical intimacy. With him, it was always playful and easy, and it went totally at my pace (which was very slow).

I met my boyfriend through a sports club in our city. We are both very passionate about the sport; it is an integral part of our lives. We knew each other as acquaintances for about 3 months before going on our first date.

Our first date was simple and inoffensive: Dinner at a restaurant downtown followed by ice cream. He made me laugh and engaged me genuinely.

His energy was just so good. He was a gentleman of course. And, I did feel that the purpose was to see if we could connect on a deeper level... not checking off a box before we could sleep with each other.

He did reveal to me later on that, when we met, it was at a time when he felt he was ready to "find me" AKA find someone he wanted to marry. It just goes to show that men really do know immediately if they see if you as "wife material," and it has to be when THEY are ready for it. This is why it's so important to let them court and pursue you.

We were introduced IRL by one of his family members who thought we had similar interests. I was very much in the "Single, thank you very much" mindset, having just come through some wacky life-stuff, and I was very upfront about that, and about having no intention to immediately jettison my scrotation. (Of course I didn't call it that in our conversations.)

He was just coming to about the 18-month mark in a HUGE personal leveling-up period in his life caused by a combination of a health crisis, job change, new location, and Covid lockdown. I could see where he was now, and I soon learned where he had been, and I was pretty impressed with his determination. I have known very, very few men who have truly, consciously leveled up ON THEIR OWN (and not because a woman pushed them into it). He's one of them.

I had been leveling up, too. I had finally gotten to the point in life where I was taking a stand against LVM, negging, manipulation, LYING, and anyone who wastes my time. And. most importantly, I had taken a stand against the pick-me tendencies I'd been carrying around since my youth. (I think sometimes it's harder to set boundaries with ourselves than it is setting boundaries with other people! But if you can do the former, then the latter seems to fall into place. And if you try to do it the other way around (set boundaries with others before setting them w/ yourself), they just don't stick.)

Our first in-person meeting was in early December and was unplanned. Not a date, but both being in the same place at the same time for an event. We talked for a bit. He went home thinking, "She didn't like me. She's not interested." I had my head full of other things and other men (none of whom ended up worth a minute of my time, but I hadn't realized that yet). But this man, and the things he said, stuck in my mind. I could tell he had a good mind and wasn't a phony. And I learned later that, despite his impression that I wasn't immediately interested, he thought I'd be "worth the effort" to try to pursue. Not in a creepy, stalkerish way, but also not immediately giving up.

We kept it to light, friendly conversation for the first six weeks or so. Nothing inappropriate, nothing creepy or pushy. It was around the November-December holidays and we both had pre-existing commitments (family, etc.) which we didn't spool the other one into (it was way too soon for that!) but we kept talking.

He wanted to ask me out for New Year's Eve, but an incoming winter storm made me reluctant to go anywhere that evening. My counter-offer was to have lunch on that day (Dec. 31st) which we did. It wasn't some sort of Big Gesture First Date (I don't really like those; it would feel too much like lovebombing, to me) and quite honestly it was a little awkward just from nervousness, but we got along well. And it was a nice lunch at a decent place and of course he paid with no assumptions otherwise.

We kept talking, and at some point, I kinda woke up to the fact that he was far superior to the other men in the rotation. (I actually made a private pros-and-cons chart for all of them. I saved it -- found it the other day when going through my old journal -- I wrote it in a very snarky mood and it's quite hilarious to read now!)

He liked me immediately (and I think fell in love with me in the first two weeks). I didn't take that amiss because, frankly and unapologetically, I do think I'm a catch. I'm introspective enough to see my faults and self-disciplined enough to work on them. I have an interesting life, an interesting job, good background, no family drama, lots of interests and hobbies, a good mind, a fairly active lifestyle. My relationships up til then had led me to feel not-great about myself (ugh, I could write a book), so I had taken a few years to level up, and now I was in a really good place. I didn't "need" anyone and I didn't have a scarcity mindset anymore, and I really took my time vetting this man.

It was maybe the second or third week in January of that year that we agreed we were in an exclusive relationship. That was more than a year and a half ago, now.

One thing I liked was that he didn't push back against my boundaries and he didn't try to argue me out of my standards. (I know that's a low bar, but I had been reaching the sad conclusion that I was all alone in the world with my old-fashioned ways. I was glad to see that integrity, etc. was still important to a man.) Other things I liked, and still do like -- his mind, his talents, our companionable ways, the creativity that we both have (and how we have joined together to create music), the lively discussions on the books we're reading and other things, his willingness to be an active explorer of the world around him, his balance of serious and silly, his devotion to me and demonstrative affection, his rejection of 50/50.

I don't want to get into the TMI aspects on a public forum, so I'll just say, that's all great too. :)

Still vetting, though. NEVER STOP VETTING.

We met on an app. We did the whole message then phone call then video chat thing before meeting up in person.

Our first date was lunch (I had a daylight hours only rule) and then a quick look at an exhibit that was nearby.

Honestly the thing that attracted me to him was that I never questioned whether or not he liked me/how much/where our relationship was heading. He was very open and direct about his feelings so it made it easier for me to vet him because I was busy observing him and not worrying about how I was coming across.

Thanks for giving me hope yall 😭

In a custom furniture store where he worked.

Kindness, good person, cares for others, hard worker, generous, makes me laugh.

I actually did a post on it. I flirted with him, and then he pursued me.

https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/forum/ask-fds-public/how-i-met-my-husband