How did you learn to be okay being alone?

The key to finding friends as an adult is consistency. Join a weekly drawing class, or a spin class, but make sure you're attending the same session each week. Does your library have a monthly book club? Try showing up each month and the faces will start to become familiar. The hardest part after that is making the connection outside of the club/class. I started taking a watercolor painting class and then a few of us decided to go to a recently opened exhibit focused on watercolors. If you join a french conversation group, you could suggest going to the local arthouse theatre when they're showing a french film, for example.

Try to pick high value hobbies and steer away from anything that might attract pickmes and/or incels.

I’m not okay with that. I don’t think most people are okay with being alone. Loneliness is a huge issue. No matter how much we fight against it, humans are social animals & we need other people. I think sometimes on FDS, we forget that.

You write about spending all your time alone in your apartment so I’m not surprised you feel depressed. It looks like others have already mentioned ways you can get out more so I won’t echo them. The only thing I would say is to let yourself be open to genuine friendships with people who are different from you. Some of my closest friends these days are 30+ years my senior.

In so far as dating, that’s harder. I guess the only thing that makes me kind of okay with the thought that I may never find a life partner is the fact that my life has gotten much worse every time I was in a crappy relationship. Almost every married friend that I have would leave her husband if she could. So even though I want to be married, it’s better to be single than to have a shitty husband, IMO.

My best tip is to join a community hobby. Something you do with others like swimming, climbing, tennis or a team sport. It's so much easier to find good people when you do stuff together. Grown up mature people are usually very busy but priories their hobbies.

So are there any hobbies you can do with others ? Good friends are hard to find but seeking out high value activities are usually a good way to start.

I understand what you mean. Leveling up is incredibly lonely. My best friends and close family members live in different countries. Do you have it in your budget to travel to meet close family and friends? Mine can't afford to travel to meet me, so I make 2-3 international trips per year. It does help me stop feeling so lonely. I also go to women's only Meetups. Check out the Meet-up app if you have tried it. However, women at these Meetups do center their lives around men so, I enjoy the social time with them and simultaneously acknowledge they're only interested in having a good girl's Day/Night out and that they won't be there for me when I'm in a crisis. I'm based in the US and it's the only country where I've not made real friends. The culture is very individualistic and unemotional. I've had no problems making real friends in other countries that I've lived in and visited. By real friends, I mean non-superficial relationships where I can call my friend at 3AM if I'm going through some sort of crisis. They're there for the good and bad. I finally understand why most Americans are so desperate to be in a relationship and stay even when they're utterly miserable, it's the lonliest country in the world because everything is so superficial.

In my case I can't say I'm unhappy as I've endured a lot of abuse from men and financial abuse from family. I'm finally at peace on my own. Being incredibly introverted I'm happy being alone most of the time. However, I sometimes feel lonely and sad when I have nobody to celebrate birthdays with and nobody really here for me in this huge lonely country.

I'm sorry I'm going through the same and have been. I've been forced to move constantly throughout my whole life and making high value, good friends has only become increasingly difficult. I moved to a new small city months ago and still haven't made any new friends. I'm hoping college will change that though. Have also been single for several months as I've met nothing but low value, disappointing men with issues so far.

I'm fine with my own company, I'm just getting bored of going to places, shows, restaraunts by myself as well.

I wish I can give good advice but what I can say is you're not alone in this. We deserve good, safe and loving relationships. They should be the least of our worries since life is already hard enough.

Sorry you're feeling depressed! I hope it's a phase and that you feel better soon. I used to have those phases but somehow, thankfully, they are far less frequent now. Making friends outside of organised, scheduled activity like school or work, is near impossible. I've moved around a lot and it usually takes several years to establish friends. I've been in my current city for 8 years now and yeah, hardly any new friends really. I met a few women at a gym I used to go to who I became friendly with and I catch up with one of them once in a blue moon (she is single and has finished with child-rearing and has no interest in men at all). I have a radfem book club that meets now and then. And I play social tennis several times a week. None of these are people who I reach out to on the weekends to socialise with. I've recently discovered FB groups for hiking and other outdoor activities, and these events are scheduled on the weekends. Again, I'm not sure if I'll ever be 'friends' - in the way you have articulated here - with any of the people I see in these groups, but it's nice to socialise on the weekend now and then with them. Little bursts of socialising are enough for me, and I have very close friends in other parts of the country and the world who I communicate with almost daily. I'm on good terms with a few of my neighbours. If I died alone in my apartment, I don't know how long it would take for someone to notice. It would probably be work I think, if I didn't turn up or didn't answer emails for a while. Sounds a bit grim, but I don't feel like it is because it's just reality.

So I suppose what I'm saying is: coming to terms with being 'alone' (are we really alone?) for me has been working out how to best spend the limited time I have on the earth in my current circumstances (single and childless with a dysfunational family that I don't have much to do with). I focus on my career and I love my hobbies (tennis, reading, bushwalking, gym, baking) and I meet people by doing them. I don't know how old you are, but I'm middle aged and I hate to sound brutal, but we HAVE to be happy, or at least content, as single women because that is what we are. The alternative is a life of misery and resentment. Waiting for a man to arrive in your life is not a good headspace to be in. You could well die before meeting someone so you should get used to it and make the most of it. That sounds harsh, haha, but I think it's valid advice for the question you've posed. I also think that being in a shitty or even average relationship that is 'lonely' is worse than being 'alone' as a single woman.

I am not okay with that.

Initially, being single felt amazing. For many years. Because I had been centering my ex (and other people's needs in general) so much throughout my 20s, that I really, REALLY needed that kind of space.

Also, I was so disappointed in people for so long, that I became avoidant and self isolated a lot.

Then I started to feel like you do. I tried to invest in friends and community, and it was a bit better. The problem is, I've reached the age where making new friends is really, really hard. So I had to fall back on old friends and that came with its own challenges - including having to decide what to do with male LV friends from childhood.

I did make new connections anyway. I'm doing comparatively better than 1 year ago, but it's not enough. My new friends are mostly younger people. Women my age have children and husbands to focus on. Tbh, one giant problem of mine is I live in a very small town, not particularly open minded, and not particularly tight-knit either (which is unlike most small towns, this place has a very peculiar history so people aren't really that friendly). Finding women who center women my age in this town, and are also not avoidant types themselves, is really hard. So I hang out with younger women and sadly, I spend a lot of time with men (who I deem decent enough to be acquaintances), simply because of common interests.

Still, I feel very lonely when I'm not busy all the time. I miss having intimacy in my life. It's not that I necessarily want a partner tbh. I would probably be happy enough with the intimacy that comes from a tight knit community. But that's just as hard as dating, possibly harder. Because 99.9% of people are investing their energy into dating (for better or worse), and only want to find belonging in a couple. I think that's true everywhere but in places like this is much worse. Because I do hear about people who are doing much better than me on the community front. Just... not in my hometown.

So yeah, I do feel very lonely, but it's so much bigger than being single for me. After 10 years on this path, I'm honestly starting to feel that I need support too. Feel free to write me in private if you want. ❤️

What worked for me was getting an extroverted type job. I used to be in healthcare working graveyard shift for 24 years. Often worked alone or with one other person. I could never make friend's. Now I work as a Brand Representative for a liquor distributor and there are tons of girls who do this job. So I've met a lot of female friends this way. Maybe get a part time job in an extroverted field? Try bartending? Serving?

I'm in the exact same situation as you. Moved to a city 5 years ago, struggled with loneliness ever since and even developed severe depression during my first couple years. I tried to learn how to become "indepedant" and love being alone, especially since social media often loves to romantacize it, with the "take yourself on a date" "go to the movies by yourself its suprisingly enjoyable" no, just no. We are human beings, we are not designed to be alone, we literally evolve from tribes and communities. Even the biggest introvert needs people, alone time ALL the time is not healthy. I was not okay with it either.

I'm not going to tell you to join clubs or go on meetup.

If you are a student or work full time, it helps, particurarly working, as in the workplace (at least mine), people are very sociable and go to work partly for social life away from their family. Coworkers are not friends, but they may have something in common with you, can give you ways to socialise during the week. Perhaps being a student attending classes works too, however working full time worked out better for me. Students are younger, shyer and less friendly hence more difficult to talk to. Find a good workplace that has friendly people who are like-minded, if you have a degree work somewhere relevant to it.

As for finding friends to hang out with in the weekend, you could try the BFF mode on bumble (warning though high amount of pick mes), you could go to an event such as a gaming event if you enjoy that. Perhaps there should be a meet up through FDS. Making online friends helps, even though it is not as good as talking in person it is still a big help and handy for introverts. Use forums or use discord if youre a gamer. If you are artistic go to an art class, if you're into fitness perhaps a yoga class or whatever you are interested in. Get out of your apartment and go to a cafe and people watch if you are getting sick of the silence of your apartment. All the best fellow lonely person 💜

I'm sorry to hear about difficult patch you are going through. We all need relationships with other humans. It takes time to build new connections and create friendships. I realised my need to be partnered deminished as I did this.

There is great advice on where to start in the other comments. So I won't add any more. I just wanted to say I see you and understand ❤️

i see what you mean. i'm not tired f being single yet, but i'm certainly tired of being a loner. i enjoy doing things alone, but ut gets old after a while when i have no other option. i wish i could choose. sometimes i want company...

unfortunately, i don't have any advice to give you. but i like making new friends and i don't care if they are far away in different countries and such. so please, feel free to DM me if you would like to be friends. i'd love to havean FDS friend. most of the people i used to be friends with have ghosted me (something tells me it's because of my FDS views) and i feel quite lonely too. i think we'd be great friends 😄

To be honest, I'm having some of this same issue, although not totally. As a strong introvert, I find I'm extremely comfortable with my own company, although I'd like a bit more. I live in a geographically large town that's smallish, so there just isn't a whole lot here to do that appeals to the nerdy, gifted geek crowd. I'm in the Deep South, so a LOT here is church, family, heteronormative sexuality, and not a lot else. Growing up here, it felt oppressive and limiting. Now that I'm back, older, and retired, it's still that but it doesn't affect me nearly as much.

I learned to be okay on my own during my first marriage in my 20s, when my first husband just didn't talk or touch or do anything with me. So I realized no one is coming to save me; I just have to get up and get about the business of saving myself. And I grieved that; it was absolutely the end of childhood, the end of believing in fairy tales, Prince Charming, and the beginning of the end of pick-me-ism. I took a good long look inside, realized what I liked doing, where my passion was. I thought about what I wanted out of life. I also thought about my hard limits, my fears, and journaled about all of this a lot. Yes, a lot was 20something navel-gazing, but I grew. And changed.

In my 30s through late 40s, as my now-late second husband became more ill and frail, once again, I thought about what I really liked doing, and just went out and did it - this time with his blessing and approval, which meant a lot. He and I always got along swimmingly, and never argued, and I appreciated that he understood that of course I wanted to do things on my own, to be active, to have different experiences.

These days as a widow and an older woman, I have VAST freedom, and that's a blessing. I'm also noticing just how much older people just aren't talked to in society. We're left and let alone; partly we have that gravitas and "don't fuck with me, sonny" attitude (haha) that's well- and hard-earned. Partly it's that we're less open to talking to strangers, especially male strangers out in public.

Overall, take inventory of yourself. Join groups if that's your thing, and yes, be consistent in showing up. I just know what's for you cannot miss you, and that's a comforting thought. You will find your group, your tribe, your people. And experimenting along the way can be both frustrating and fun. Best of luck.

Omg, are you me?!? I also moved to a new town (country) about 4 years ago and to say that trying to make new friends has been hard would be an understatement at least. Anyone "worth" socializing with (read no pickmes nor LVM) has come back to their home country. It's so difficult to find women who don't center men because most of them I know are here on spousal visa. Most of the local women (if not married) are so busy with studies/work, they only have time to meet once a month at max. It can be SO lonely sometimes. Yet alone when you see othe people having fun on their socials. I don't really have any advice to give you, but maybe join some club or volunteering activity. That's how I've been able to meet most of the people I know here (if I don't count my coworkers), but my social calendar can still be pretty empty. I'm glad I'm an introvert, though, and that I have a pretty social job so I get to talk to people at least five times a week, but still... would really love to have someone whom I can contact and hang out with any time of the day. Hang in there ❤️

I am exactly in the same situation as you, 5 years in another country, which is even worse because it’s another culture. In 4 years here I have been completely alone, not even dating. And having to face all the other problems, like adapting, finding jobs, friends etc. you know what just happened? My brother came to visit me and told me to come back ASAP.

Loneliness is a huge thing that has been happening lately, most people are feeling lonely and this is being encouraged by the current society. Connections are superficial. People only want to talk about themselves, empathy is minimal and people live out of appearance on social media.

Look, I will tell you my experience, you might relate. I know many people here told you to go have a “hobby” as if it was completely controlled by you. I know the intention is good, I’m not judging what they told you to do, but I have some considerations (I think they should read it too):

-finding people at hobbies is not that easy; they have to be willing to be your friend too, it’s not a one-sided action;

-most people, especially over 30, are not really interested in making true/deep friends. Most already have their lives and thei social circle, especially if they are already from the town;

-always being proactive and making new friends require energy and good mental health, if you are exhausted and depressed, how are you going to do it? It’s really difficult. It’s like you are depressed because you don’t have friends, but you don’t have energy to look for connections because you are depressed.

I have a huge empathy for your situation because like I said, I’m in the same situation. I go to the gym, they don’t interact, I joined a hiking club: they don’t follow up; at work they don’t follow up. They already have their friends. I only have expats friend, and not so many, people come and go.

I recently read the book “loneliness” where the author clarified what I already suspected: we were not made to live alone. Loneliness is as damaging as being obese and stressed. It can literally kill you.

In this sub, I know they advise you to be alone and have family and friends, but OUR situation is quite different and it’s only understandable when someone feels it, living it. When you lack many pillars of life (in our case family, friends and romantic) it becomes nearly impossible to “simply be happy single with your social circle” because the social circle does not exist.

I will tell you from my heart, you should go to a place that is more familiar to you. I don’t know if you moved countries or just a town, but if you have no one there and people are closed enough to not let you enter their lives, please consider going close to your family and friends. It’s not a matter of “I failed”. Sometimes we need to understand that some circles will be closed in our lives.

My brother made me understand that and that my place is where my friends and family is. I never got a boyfriend here or a social circle in 5 years, I don’t think this is going to happen and I decided to move. I am already looking for new jobs in a place where I know people are more sociable. I am sad to say that unfortunately Europe and North America are hard places to make friends. The culture is “closed” and it’s really hard, if you come from somewhere else, to establish new connections.

Those are my kind words. I hope it helps you and you find your way. You can DM me if you feel like. I wish you the best and don’t want to see you depressed. Best of luck and get well.

I could of wrote this myself. I feel you. It’s so tough. Doesn’t help when your hitting 40+ and start to notice that you want close companionship more than ever now. Was easier when I was younger and thought I’d have it all figured out later on lol! There is empirical evidence that loneliness is harmful for our health. It’s obviously better to be alone than to have a LV man or friends but I’m learning that nobody is perfect either and that without lowering our standards (no blindsiding abuse or mistreatment obviously) that we will not be socially benefiting for our health, life is short and if we search constantly for perfection then we will be like this when we are old and needing others more.

I volunteer, attend gym classes etc and working on my career. These fulfill me but I still hope for close companionship when I come home at the end of the day. The little things I miss and the physical aspects too. 7yrs since my last relationship and I've had enough tbh lol! All we can do is get out there as much as we can and find our tribe for the future. If I was near you i would definitely be a companion ❤️

stay strong! it gets easier as time goes on. Maybe phone calls with a close friend or family member would help? If you're interested in pets, a cat/dog might provide you with loving companionship?

sending hugs <3 <3 <3