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Hi queens, I wanna know your thoughts on this because I've been thinking about it for a while. I (21F) recently met a guy (21M) at a party and after talking for a couple hours we exchanged numbers and have been talking ever since.
Recently we have been on a couples date and it was pretty good. We went to an expensive restaurant and he paid for everything. He checks a lot of boxes but he also has some yellow flags and i don't know if it's worth dating him.
About him I have found some pros and cons:
Pros:
He comes from a well off family and is currently in med school studying to be a doctor.
He is really kind and does volunteering jobs for the elders and poor people.
He said that he is looking for something serious from the beginning and does not want to sleep with me unless i commit to him first.
He has a good social circle and has a lot of friends.
Cons:
He is a christian conservative. I am pretty liberal. He said he is looking for a SAHM but is okay with me also working as long as I want kids in the future (which i want to have).
He is a virgin. He told me that on the third date when we talked about past dating partners.
He is a bit weird. I think it's because he does not have much experience with women but I am not sure.
He is a bit unattractive. Not by much but he evidently does not really take care of himself.
Do you think he has the potential to be a HVM? Or should i dump him?
every single med student is involved in volunteer work. It isn't an indication of good morals. It's about looking well-rounded on his resume.
Sometimes med students look frazzled and unkempt. But if you matter to him he will look nice for dates. You said he doesn't take care of himself. I don't know if that means he is fat or if he doesn't appear to wash regularly.
he isn't attractive to you. Don't date someone just bc he MAY one day be a doctor.
Eh, I’d move on. The cons are too much. It doesn’t sound like you view the world in the same way. Also the virgin thing…I dated a virgin once & learned that if he’s a virgin at an age when most people aren’t, there’s usually a reason.
Also, if he’s weird or doesn’t take care of himself now, it won’t get better.
Are you attracted to him? Like ok, he's not the most conventionally attractive person. Thats not what's important. Do you personally think he's handsome? If the answer is "no" then this relationship is necessarily doomed, and you should dump him today. Dont waste a day of your life in a doomed-to-fail relationship with a man you're not attracted to.
Anyway, you cant spot an HVM. You can only spot the presence or absence of LV behavior. Vetting is an ongoing process.
And some of the traits you listed as cons - consetvative, Christian, wants children - arent a matter of low or high value. Those are just a matter of being compatible specifically with you. He might be a HV conservative man, but if you dont want to date a conservative then he'll can be another woman's HV conservative man. We cant figure that out for you.
No “21M” is truly high value yet. If you date a med student, that is a form of building a man. “If you build him, he will leave.” -Shera7
Imo being a Christian conservative and wanting your wife to be a sahm gives me bad vibes. I feel like any man who actively wants that is not going to treat you right. 😅
I don’t think it’s necessarily a con to be a virgin at 21. But are you attracted to him? Sounds like you’re not sure. The big thing I see here is he’s conservative and you’re not. He wants a sahm/wife and you don’t want that. That could cause issues in the future.
Also I’m wary of med students and doctors. so many are scum. I dated a doctor briefly. He was so handsome and tall. But he was the worst guy. I don’t know if your guy is like that, he seems young and innocent. But I think they tend to want a gf to take care of him through med school and then dump you once they have money.
The last 2 cons can prove to be a headache because it never gets better.
Men bring their A game (or are supposed to) during initial dates. And if this is his A game then it's definitely not going to get better. Very soon he will get comfortable and lower himself even further.
You can't spot a hvm. It takes years and years of vetting
I think he is too young and innocent to really grasp what life is like as a woman. It will show with time. Ask him if he watches anime or porn. Both, in combination with being an unattractive virgin, would be a red flag for me. Ask yourself if you like him because there is finally one guy who shows interest, or if he is really your soul mate? If the first is true, you can definitely do better with the whole package, like a handsome guy you feel attracted to.
You don’t fancy him so move on.
If I’ve no interest in seeing a guy naked then all the other things to vet for are irrelevant.
He is already telling you that he wants you to be a stay at home mom. That’s a red of flag of its own. That means you will be depending on him financially.
Yellow flags are almost always red flags in disguise 😬 Looking at your cons, I think you already know what to do. 💪🏼
Potential doesn't exist. Only accept what you've got right in front of you - or reject it and move on.
You're not even attracted to him and he's a Christian Conservative. I don't think you're appreciating just how incompatible you are for each other.
Med school debt is a turnoff for me. I just spent years repairing the credit my ex destroyed. I, personally, would not be okay with building with a resident. I would rather date a guy who is settled into his career already, even if he makes much less than a doctor.
You don't know much about him yet, only the superficial bits. Only you can know whether you want to keep getting to know him. If you aren't feeling it, just call it off. Otherwise, you need time to find out if he's really HV. Hint: you can only witness true high value when you have observed a man's character in various situations, and have seen proof of his values firsthand. You already know some of his values which lean conservative. Don't be swayed by his wealthy family background or career prospects if you aren't aligned in values and life goals.