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I am starting to notice a pattern in my classes. I admit, I am a big nerd and I like doing well in my classes, I try and keep my answers to myself till it looks like no one can figure out an answer and I answer them then. Academics aren't the problem.
I am noticing a pattern in which my fellow classmates are either challenging me to compete with me (this is fine) or trying to guilt trip me into sharing my notes or giving me a sob story about not being able to afford their books. I am not sure why people are trying to make it my problem, not paying attention in class enough to write notes or putting themselves in a financial situation and not working it out with the faculty or school system.
Old me would have happily helped everyone and worn herself out doing it. I am more assertive now, but I can't help noticing no one else is being approached with these issues. I am concerned there might be a way that I am presenting myself that encourages this. I am fairly feminine and wear a lot of dresses and skirts, I choose to style myself quite modestly, no cleavage, skirts to the knee, hair tidy. I have always had this issue of people trying to invade my space, men stalking me, strangers asking for favours.
I have tried scowling but my friends say its funny and not at al scary. Is this common? People who don't have this issue, how do you do it? Please teach me your ways 🙏
I bet if you were a man they wouldn't be trying to burden you and extract mental and emotional labor from you. Honestly just be rude or ignore them.
Never make eye contact with anyone.
Look bored or furrow your eyebrows like you're deep in thought.
Only half-smile at people who you do make eye-contact with; don't smile with your eyes.
Get impatient with people if they do need help. They won't ask for your help if you're always making them feel bad for being "slow" lol.
Walk around with a poker face/neutral expression.
Don't reply sympathetically when they say something like "oh, I'm so bad at this". Just don't say anything.
Source: my horrible people skills.
This is the perfect answer, "My tutoring fee is $50 per hour. Paid upfront. When would you like to make an appointment?"
Oh just don't smile and don't talk to anyone, if you must answer a question lower your pitch and keep it to the point. And eventually threaten to rat them out if they keep bugging you.
Mouth closed, tongue behind the teeth, serious face and unwavering eye contact, sit in the back if you have to.
I'm The ultimate unapproachable person, I do it on purpose to keep the worms away from my valuable time.
Don't make eye contact or smile with teeth. I always try to keep my eyes fixed on something in the distance or slightly ahead on the floor which gives me a sort of irritated looking space cadet vibe people don't mess with. There are certain postures you can hold your mouth and tongue in as well that will present a neutral but unfriendly look.
Walking very quickly, with good posture and purpose works wonders. People will mistake you for a professor. Sit at the front of the class, idiots and scrotes won't sit up there 😂
This answer gto LONG. I hope there is some use in it for you. I think the last point, (5), might be key for you... in the longer term.
(1) Sounds like they don't know how to navigate university. Just say something like "I don't work for the university, ask student services" (or whatever the service/point of contact is for current students). In my University they set out everything from advice to time mangement, financial management/advice/loans, etc etc etc
I get that this is still unwanted engagement for you, but hopefully a helpful deflection in the interim. (2) For me personally, I used to be super approachable. I didn't mind it when I was younger because I was naive and genuinely liked talking to people and was a 'people person'. I 'got' people. That was before getting chewed up, spat out, and burned by the patriarchy (and other toxic societal dynamics).
These days, as I develop stronger and deeper self respect, I find that the axis for me is ''approachable' v 'intimidating'. Of course, these are just others' perceptions and we don't have 100% control over what goes on in others' heads. We can influence it, though. But as i learn to contain my energy, I notice that people don't approach/annoy me as much any more. And I do believe they project 'intimidating' on to me. I used to be horrified by that, but I know I am not intimidating them, I'm just holding my energy and boundaries. there's a difference. As women, I think we all know what intimidation really feels like.
(3)I think boundaries are key. I'm still learning and in some ways have become a lot less social over time. (although I don't think this is all bad, because I have been able to protect my energy and time a lot more which is great). (4) I think change can take time as well - like if we decide to become less 'approachable' it can take time to shift our identity and for people to respond also to that shift. We get socialised to be ever accomodating. And look, helping others is not bad, it's good to be kind. but each one of us gets to decide on the limits of that and we also get to have discernemnt and choice about who and what we give our time, energy, kindless, attention, labour to.
I'm clearer than ever on who I am, what my priorities are, and aren't, and I get out of useless/draining/disrespectful things as quickly as possible. My energy and time and my most valuable assets/currencies.
Also, if you, and your classmates, are all very young, most people at that age are just blindly running on auto conditioning.
Meaning, it might take you a while to shift that (within yourself), AND they are likely going to blindly have expectations of you that you are very consciously and continually going to have to challenge. I am constantly challenging people's perceptions of who they thing I 'should' be because the collective conditoning is so strong. We have to be stronger. I can't remember who it was that said, part of having boundaries is not only setting them, but reinforcing them again and again.
How you do that can be confrontational, avoidant, loud, quiet, whatever. IT doesn't have to be dramatic, and as women we can often be punished for directly setting boundaries, so just maybe give yourself a chance to experiment. And be ok with disappointing people. Of course there are factors to consider like you want people somewhat on side, (or at least not hostile towards you while at uni). But you also don't want to align yourself with users.
Give yourself a chance to experiment. And be ok with disappointing people.
(5) Finally, Make a decision that your time, energy, and YOU, are worth protecting. And then take your actions, and embody your energy, from that place/intention: That pleasing yourself, first, is more important. That your needs, are more important.
Examine your people pleasing tendencies. Society has likely socialised you this way and it can be a bitch to extract from. It definitely was for me. I've come a long way but it still gets me, especially when the other person's projection onto me in exceptionally strong. Claim the narrative. Decide what gets to happen, or not happen. And then practice.
This inner work can takes a while, but will pay dividends, and give you solid, embodied change. It won't solve all your problems, because there will always be idiots out there, but it will help you centre yourself and your needs, and trust, and act on, them.
Good luck!
PS: If they're really not taking your scowls seriously.... sounds like they may? have zero respect for your feelings/boundaries... are they really... friends?
Run a lap before class? I'm always shocked by how gross I look at the gym, all sweaty and flushed. I never get approched.
shave half your head and don't smile often.