.png)
I noticed a trend amongst some woman I have known socially. I notice when they announce a pregnancy at work or a social gathering they almost always seek out (look over) for the reaction of single woman or the childless woman and smirk. I had thought it was in my head until I witnessed it several times.
My sister who is gay has noticed this too, but has never been in reciept of the smirk (shes puts this down to being LGBT) but she has noticed her prettiest, kindest and most successful single female friends in their 30’s and 40’s have had the look.
I have been in receipt of it too - I think as they think I must want children without actually asking me. I have had two LTRs in my 20 and 30s and made sure I did not fall pregnant from either. They ended up both being LVMs and thankfully I did not marry them (Thank you FDS). It is fairly disappointing as at the time I thought these woman were my friends. I have since distanced myself from them.
I used to make such an effort for all of the weddings and baby showers of these woman, only to be seen as a pariah in my unmarried and childless state.
On reflection many of these woman are classical pickmes who have settled with LVM. I have never had this look for woman who I am still in contact with who married good guys and are secure in themselves.
Is this a univeral expierence? Why do they do it if so? How can I have a bit more compassion and not be triggered by it?
As a single, childfree women in my 40s, I have definately experienced most of what you describe. What makes me feel better is remembering:
I am happy with my life choices.
Looking down on other women for being single or childfree is very low value behaviour. A high value woman would not do this. In other words, any woman who does this is not someone I'd want in my life anyway.
Misery loves company.
I just turned 37. No boyfriend, not even dating and with no plans to start, staunchly childfree although I don't mention it until someone puts me on the spot. I dread showers, dinner parties, adults nights out with some of my friends because they seem to think that I am depriving myself of the dubious joy that a husband and kids brings. Apparently I'm 'running out of time' and the only woman of my graduating class (it was only 50ish seniors to begin with so that's not much of a feat) that hasn't had kids yet so I am decidedly a pariah. Heck, my sister is two years younger and has four kids ..... so there's gotta be something wrong with me 🤣
I either go on the offensive (Darling, didn't you just complain that your husband spends every weekend at the golf course to avoid you and the kids?) or I redirect them into something I actually want to talk about, or I just look at them and say, 'If I ever feel the maternal itch then I'll go adopt.' So far it ain't happened lol.
I also like to let my happy life speak for itself. The last time I had to attend a baby shower I specifically drove my vintage vette and made a tiny bit of excess noise with it as I pulled up with the most expensive gift on the registry and some other things I'd thrown in too. And whenever they would come at me with that bullshit I'd talk about the next trip I had planned with me and a couple friends to where ever.
The vast majority of people either get stuck with kids or have them for the wrong reasons (life script, to fix a failing relationship, etc.). I'm one of the blessed few who've avoided that so I am the recipient of much frustration and regret disguised as concern from those that want me to join their ranks. No thanks. I want to live.
This sort of thing makes me happy that I don’t notice things and am clueless at times. Someone could be casting major shade my way and I obviously don’t pick up on it, which takes all the fun out of it for them.
I hate how some women make it their business yo care if or why someone hasn’t had children yet. Some women are infertile or they have gone through miscarriages. Asking someone about family planning is incredibly rude. It’s none of their business, but they could also be digging at really severe wounds.
Yep, many women think they're better than you because they let a man jizz in them. Notice that women who adopt tend to get the same sneering, disdainful treatment. The friend with kids who still treats you normally even if you're not a mom is rare indeed. I have very few of these and I treasure those relationships.
Also note the many reasons pickmes will have kids:
To get the love of a LVM
To fulfill a fantasy that society told her would be great
To be able to lord it over non-mothers
To brag about being so busy, so tired, so etc. all the time and you just wouldn't understand
Lots of pickmes straight up hate their kids and view them only as tools/status accessories to accomplish all of the above. These women are really evil and there's a special place in hell for them. It always comes down to reducing the female body to a hole, because that's what these women have done to themselves and it's their only source of self-worth.
Not shading moms who do not hate non-moms.
Yep, I've seen it. But to be controversial, preggos/mommies tend to be LVW. Not all, but 90% are. Here's why they do this:
LVW will allow any man to sick their dirty dicks in them so that they can get a diamond ring, fancy party, white dress, and a brat. Five to ten years later, they always end up divorced and a single parent. Then guess what they do? They become single mommies on the prowl for a rich dude to support them. Cycle repeats itself.
HVW tend to single and childfree. Why? Because they tend to plan their lives. Now, not everything can be planned, but HVW correctly budget their money, time, and energy into activities that are of interest to them. That includes dating, marriage, and children. Most won't bother because of the expense and likelihood to lose money. It isn't discussed as it should be, but heterosexual dating/marriage is a 100% financial loss for women. That's incidentally why study after study shows unmarried, childfree women as the richest demographic of women regardless of age. They also tend to live longer and better after 65.
LVW see HVW as a threat precisely because of the above. In their limited views, men are more likely to seek out HVW because they can invest more in their appearance and monetary resources. They're not completely wrong; a lot of males like women with youthful/healthy appearances and money, insofar as they become trophies. However, what LVW don't understand is that HVW have no interest in those men. The only way they can "get one" on HVW is to throw the "greatest success for a woman" in their faces: marriage and baby. Unfortunately for them, they haven't figured out that these are not successes.
I have experienced similar things. I just ended my relationship with an old friend (married to a NVM) because she showed disdain about me being single and childfree. Misery loves company, I guess.
I think some of them ask to themselves feel validated in some way - whether childness or not. Childness - its to validate their own decision to remain childfree, with child - to have pickme one up on you.
I never ask anyone and explain to others to do the same as you have explained.
I have HVW friends who chose to have children. They never ever make me feel bad about not having any. These women are, as others have mentioned, LV.
Omg!!!!!!!
I am a woman earning nearly £200k per annum and the reason I never married was due to the financial risk !!!!! I am HVW! I also go to gym five times per week and trained as a yoga teacher, they hated when I went to the gym and always commented on that too! 'I see you were at the gym at 6am' smirk etc followed by 'i was busy folding clothes' smirk again.
I have no interest whatsoever in their awful awful husbands - the majority of which you wouldnt touch with a bargepole! They are hideous!!!!!
Yes I have gotten that weird smirk, especially when they don’t realize im not-straight. It always makes me giggle internally.
These women are the equivalent of ‘the Giving Tree’. You know that story where a boy takes everything from a tree all his life: apples, firewood etc. Eventually he chopped down the tree and sits on the stump. Women who have children and/or are in relationships with lvm are this tree but they don’t know it yet. And it’s their shit kids and scrotey husbands that put their asses on their stump, when they are drained in all possible ways. Financially, emotionally, physically…
Women my age with children also all look like shit by the way. So yeah, the smirk makes me giggle sometimes, but I also feel pity.