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Hey people. I’m new to this forum. I’m 36 and have only had 1 boyfriend who was cheating piece of shit.
I have struggled with dating and the guys i “think” i like always end up rejecting me. Its like it gets to the 3 month mark and they go cold. I always have to communicate and then they end it. All this makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I do struggle with self esteem and low self worth as i was brought up in care always getting moved to different childrens homes. I do get therapy so i am actively working on this.
The latest guy to treat me badly was a guy i met on a dating website. He put that he was 44 (however he later told me the truth that he was 49!). He lived in the uk but was working in france as a bodyguard on a yacht for millionaires for 4 months. He has businesses in the uk (gym, property) but wanted to do the bodyguard work for “excitement and to get to travel” he said. He was in the navy for 10 years and left when he was 27. He was married for 2 years 7yrs ago. Has been single for 3 years and has no kids.
So we facetimed every night for like 4 hrs for 2 months. He told me he hadnt had such a strong connection in yrs/ was really into me etc. i never wore makeup on these facetimes. I did feel a connection too and i thought that by facetiming that was enough to see if their was an attraction from both sides especially as i was bare with no makeup. He kept saying he would make me a priority, making future plans with me and didnt want to mess things up with me.
He then spoke about us meeting. In the yacht industry they are working like 24/7 with hardly any time off. Always at the millionaires beck and call. He kept asking me to come over to france to meet him. I declined a lot. Then eventually i agreed. I went over and paid for my flights.
We went halves on the hotel. We spent 5 days together. The first 3 days was the same energy as when we facetimed. However, i did notice that he didnt really make any effort everything he promised to do never happened. It was clear he wasnt a man of his word. For example he didnt book us a table for meals out etc, we had to walk and find somewhere open. We went to the same restaurants all the time. He made me walk from my hotel to the yacht at night when it was dark. I didnt like this as i was a woman in a different country i felt he should have cared about my safety more. We paid for halves. He asked me to buy him a toothbrush when he was working and i bought him an electric one, he didnt even say thankyou
On the 4th day he went really cold. He wouldnt speak to me. He went from wanting to hold my hand to not wanting to be anywhere near me. He even walked miles infront of me when we went anywhere. He started demeaning me saying i had “big thighs”. He said that i use too many filters on my instagram which he hates. Eventhough i dont use filters. He even told me to stop talking at one point. He started using his phone a lot too. I left it for a few hours then communicated with him asking what was wrong. He apologised and said he wasnt used to being in a relationship and has always liked his own space. He asked me to be patient with him. After that he was ok again. He asked me to move to newzealand with him for 6 months. Asked me to be exclusive. When he dropped me off at the train station he sent me a text message saying “i had a beautiful soul and he was excited”
The 3rd day after i got back to the uk he went cold and distant. He barely messaged. I never messaged him first the entire time we dated. When i did message back he would leave me on read for 30hrs. This happened a couple of times. So i communicated with him again and said to him that i felt he had lost interest and we could leave things. He replied back with- that he wanted to continue dating as he has strong feeling for me.
He kept leaving me on read and getting back to me a day later eventhough he was constantly online on whatsapp. Then he posted a story on his instagram business account saying “come follow my new personal account”. When i looked at his new personal account he had had it for 10days and not told/added me. He was following a few girls and had liked/written flirty comments on these girls photos. The same days he has left me on read. And suprise these girls everyone of their photos had filters on- eventhough he accused me of using them saying he hated filters. I was really hurt by this!
I communicated again saying he was messing me around and i was above that nonsense. He said he wasnt feeling it when we met up physically, he found me attractive but something was missing, its not you its me. He said he wanted to talk through the next day. He never contacted me again after that its now been a month. I then saw he went to lake como for 3 days, one of the instagram girls he was liking was also in lake como at the same time. Is that a coincidence or did he take her there? The girls info matches up with the description of his ex wife from 7 years ago- or is that a coincidence as well?
Obvs i am hurt. I just feel that there must be something wrong with me physcially and personality wise. As how can someone be so into me then so off me. I would never go there with him again but a lot of questions are running through my head if any of you can help. They are:
What was the reason for him losing interest? Did he not find me physcially attractive? Was it my personality? Or was there someone else for him?
What do i do wrong as this keeps happening to me? As i dont want to make the same mistakes with the next guy.
Am i doing anything to repulse these men? What mistakes am i making?
Am i displaying a lot of low value female characteristics and how do i change?
Have i lost out on a decent guy or was he a bad egg?
How do i know if a guy is a high value man?
How should i approach dating in the future?
Should have stopped entertaining him after finding his real age.
I can assure you there is nothing wrong with your looks or your personality. The problem is your standards. It's not important whether he lost interest or not, he was not worth the effort anyways. He was messing around and didnt want to commit. He knew what he wanted but lied to you about it because guys like him for some reason love lying.
To not repeat mistakes we gotta look at the red flags:
#1 Lying about his age. You shouldnt have continued after that. He is already a liar. I bet you didnt lie about your age, did you? Would you even? It's so weird. Lesson: Next him if he lies about his age.
#2 The stuff about "having this strong connection for the first time in years" is fishy. You should always be careful because guys tend to use these lines to make you feel special, so you like them, not because they actually mean it. It sounds like love bombing, you will find posts about it.
#3 His work leaves him without time? Why is he dating? He cant date properly so its unfair to you to expect you to do more to make up for it. Dating is not a right, its something we do for fun. If he cant afford it (time or money wise) he shouldn't do it. On top of that he made you pay for the flight?! Why are you flying to see anybody? To country you are unfamiliar with aswell. No no no! He should visit you if he wants to see you or pay for your flight. Personally I would not do this, its dangerous at best. Never again.
#4 Taking ages to reply. Again, no time to date --> dont do it! You should block men that take ages to reply because it means they are not serious.
#5 negative comments about you. This is called nagging. He tries to destroy your self-esteem, you will also find posts about this. Generally, it has nothing to do with you, it could mean he is scared you realize you are out of his league, he wants to manipulate you so you stay hooked on his approval or any other nonsense. Like you said he follows women that do the things he criticizes. That's because he is a liar, it has nothing to do with you and everything with his issues, which dont concern you.
There is honestly more I am just giving you a bit of guidance so you have an idea.
Generally remember:
You need to read the handbook. You wont get it otherwise. Also never forget the first step, the only way to date right is to be a HVW yourself. It takes one to find one. General issues with confidence and stuff are totally okay and normal but your issues are still too deep. To be able to vet ruthlessly you need to be super resilient and that takes some time. Take a break from dating and start to internalize FDS values. You dont have to agree with everything but the ground rules exist for a reason.
Some tips along the way:
Stop communicating, it gets you nowhere. Especially things regarding him not texting you, being mean to you, ignoring you, etc., so things that shouldnt even be explained. It's obvious that they are horrible, that's why he is doing them. Dont give him the benefit of the doubt. Dates usually want to impress, so his "mistakes" are either on purpose or its just who he is, which is just a lose lose situation.
Generally what was the plan with this guy? He lived in a different country so how did you imagine it playing out? I am genuinely asking out of curiosity. It also makes me question the face times. Its not normal to talk 4h a day for 2 months when you guys are just dating. This is boyfriend stuff. You need to keep busy so you dont have time to even consider talking this much. On top of that, thats such slow development. After 2 months you guys should have gone out numerous times (btw this is not specific to him, this is a general rule).
Talk is cheap. I could tell you, you are the most important person in my life. Would you believe me? Probably not. Those are some powerful words but did it cost me anything to say them? No. Proving, talk is cheap. Everybody can say what they want but you show how you feel through action. Never EVER look at what a man tells you, its all about what he does. Future promises of how great he is going to be are not real. We all can wish to be great someday but how are we now? He is not some investment, what you see is what you get.
Also idk if you slept with him but its better you dont sleep with guys until you are exclusive.
If it doesnt feel like he is pursuing you, he isnt. If he were, it would be obvious to you.
This man was horrible and I am sorry you had to deal with him. Its very good you are trying to learn from your mistakes, just keep learning and you will change your perspective!
I would never FaceTime with someone I have never met for four hours every night for months. It is love bombing, it creates a false intimacy and I have better things to do haha also, I strongly believe that men use this tactic to analyze how much into him the woman is. If you get too invested in the beginning it means he can probably do whatever he wants from then on
Hi Zainab. I’m so sorry you went through this. First of all, please stop whatever you’re doing and read the FDS Handbook. There’s a reason this was painstakingly curated, to prevent this exact emotional/psychological and financial outcome. After that, I would advise very seriously you take some time off dating.
You need time for your brain to make the mindset shift you need. You need time away from the joyless and emotionally fraught journey dating has become for you. More importantly, you need peace of mind. Don’t be desperate. Don’t FEEL desperate. Any timeline you think you must fulfill bc you’re 36 and “running out of time” is completely arbitrary and created by society. A HVW moves according to the beat of her own drum. Reading your story was so painful. You have been played like a fiddle and are still being manipulated by this scrote. Please block and delete with immediate effect. READ “All The Rules” by Ellen Fein. Then read it again and again and again until it becomes reflexive. Until it becomes part of your character. This book will answer all the questions you have and give you much needed clarity.
He was never interested. He seems like a low grade conman who punches above his weight with women. He likely gets a thrill from being able to successfully deceive and manipulate women out of his league. Ask yourself very honestly, the parts of you that made you susceptible to his tactics. His lies are similar to that of Tinder Swindler. Never ever believe outlandish tales from men. No successful businessman would moonlight as a bodyguard in Europe. The simple answer is the more likely answer. Don’t take things men say at face value. He’s a narcissistic scrote who honestly should not even have your number. Never visit a male first. Never go dutch. You’ll start to see all the ways you failed to vet properly. Your life will be much less emotionally fraught and more fun when you learn how to vet some horrible men from the get go. Again, read all the rules. Read the handbook. I wish you peace.
I didn’t read the entire peace. I’m sorry but it was too much pick me shit. It doesen’t matter why he lost interest. Who cares? He is a scrote. You should have cut him off when he lied about hi’s age. Snipp snipp. Bye. You may or may not have done something wrong. You’re not perfect and that is fine. What is 100 % sure, is that a LVM aLrEaDy is repulsed by and doesen’t respect women, so you could have been perfect and he would still treat you badly. That’s why we snipp them early. Block and delete. No explanation. That being said, I know what it’s like to have gotten invested and sit there with all the adrenaline and lack of dopamine and good hormone withdrawal. My best advice to you is to be nice to yourself. Practice self love, do nice things for yourself, treat yourself well. Like a «self care home rehab». Don’t date before you are stable, calm and confident again. It’ll probably take a while, but be patient with yourself. Last but not least, read the FDS handbook, and start snipp snapping ✂️ It takes practice, but you’ll get there.
I think, first and foremost, don't go for men with such complicated stories. There is always a big lie in there that they are covering up. And a decent man will not lie.
Men who have no kids at an older age are usually weird. Also he is ageist as he lied about his age to get younger women. He is trash, toss him away. Maybe try being meaner to the rest of the men you date. That was always my problem. They would take me for granted because I was nice and treated them with respect. Then they fucked up so bad that I was at the end of my rope and then they became obsessed with me. Bottom line: are you too nice maybe?
Hey I just found this post but I really felt it as if your situation was happening to me in real time.
I think you had the basis of the HVW, you just gave in to this guy for whatever reason. It happens to the best of us. I did it a couple years ago and traveled to Ireland for a guy. He ends up spending 17 hours with me total during the week and a half I was there. We live and learn!
Anyway
I do think that there's something in your subconscious that's attracting this type of person to you. My therapist calls it a "subconscious road map" that leads you down the road where the people you meet are fuggin' toads, like the schmuck you met in France. For example - all the guys I got "hooked" on in my 20's didn't give 2 shits about me. And it took me until this year to realize that it was because I was hanging on to subconscious trauma that started well before I even realized. This shit can magnetize negative experiences to you.
I think spending some time on your own can help peel back the layers of trauma, finding out what started you down that "road" in the first place. A good therapist will do wonders in getting to the core of it, and a feminine embodiment practice can help you release the stored tension from your body. For example I get on my knees and do hip circles for 5 minutes a day, because all of my trauma is stored in my hips. Subconscious trauma isn't always the result of a violent or degrading act, it can be developed from something as simple as "not necessarily wanting to see your boyfriend's penis at 13" I think it'd be beneficial for you to figure out what you're holding onto, and taking the time to release it from your physical and energetic body.
Thankyou so much! What you said really reasonates as thats exactly what he did! Tbh i didnt sleep with him and you could tell that was getting to him. I never sleep with guys until i know they are genuine and decent men. He did try but i always declined then he gave me a lecture about “sex is really important to him in a relationship” blah blah. hes just a dusty clown! Will never change
Sorry meant to say something else, it sort of sounds like your default is to think that people are good, and so if they aren’t good to you it means you ‘did something’, or perhaps you feel like if someone ‘really loves someone” they act a certain way. That is not true, people made either kind and ethical or not, so with a kind man you couldn’t do anything to make him treat you that way. Remember most people will steal, cheat and lie to get what they want. Hard to understand if you’re a good person but dating is more of a hint for one of the good ones - they are only like 5 percent of the population.
There is nothing wrong with you and you didn’t do anything. Number one our culture is super bad, honesty and integrity are not values people generally care about.This person was a shitty person, a non-shitty person Isn’t just kind when they want something and mean to innocent people when they don’t. so, the fact that this guy treated you bad means he treats people bad. He’s old, this is how he treats people. He’s trash. unfortunately, it does simply take time to know if someone is a good human being, it takes time to see that someone is genuine and reliable. So best to just treat people in a friendly manner and hang back. If they push or start whining about sex etc, or start ignoring you and being moody - you just found out they are not A good person. I find the best way to see if someone is a good person is not to be useful to them or give them anything (like sex, also a lot of attention) so I can see they genuinely like me. Since I’ve been doing this so far every guy has imploded with whining or insecurity within a month or so and I am okay with that. They clearly aren’t secure enough and serious enough to be good husbands and generally boyfriends are a waste of time. Lots of men just use women for sex and really think it’s ‘cool’ not to care about women. Lots of sex predators out there hate to say. Don’t despair though you don’t want to marry a sex predator so keep yourself single until you really know someone and they prove overtime they are reliable. You need someone who makes you feel comfortable. Anxiety is a sign you’re with an abuser.
Thankyou so much! What you said really reasonates as thats exactly what he did! Tbh i didnt sleep with him and you could tell that was getting to him. I never sleep with guys until i know they are genuine and decent men. He did try but i always declined then he gave me a lecture about “sex is really important to him in a relationship” blah blah. hes just a dusty clown! Will never change