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Hello Queens😊 I would appreciate any input.
He and I met online three weeks ago. We have talked on the phone a lot (I try to keep the conversations short--20-30 minutes, but he wants to talk for an average of two hours each time) and we've video chatted. He is mid 60s. I am early 50s.
He has cashapped me several times ( unsolicited by me, of course) saying he wants to “spoil” and “help” me. Not massive amounts, around $100 each time. The first one after talking with me about 3 times in 4 days. Since I’m sort of financially challenged lol right now, these cash apps, admittedly have been helpful. I mentioned a dream of finally completing a degree. He said, should we work out, he will pay for me to go back to university. He told me to tell him if I have any problems covering my bills.
Last week he bought a ticket to fly to see me. He’s in the Midwest. I’m in the southeast. Yesterday he booked a hotel for his stay here. Not a luxury one, not a dump. About $150 per night. What do you ladies think so far?
The biggest problems in my eyes: He seems to be expecting me to “help plan” what we will do as he “doesn’t know the area”. Yet his is a wiz online and can find anything else in seconds. He also has said, when we were discussing restaurants here that we “Don’t have to go anywhere fancy. Some of the best food can be at little hole-in-the-wall places”. It took everything within me not to say. “Except if any man ever dared take me to such a place I would leave and he would be ghosted.” Instead I just listened.
This is confusing. He seems generous in many ways, yet is somewhat cheap in some ways perhaps? Men nowadays are so unbelievably stingy and lacking chivalry—and I’m a woman over 50 in a society that starts devaluing us at about 35.
Also I am just now finding FDS (thankfully!!) and was raised to be a pickme. I threw away 15 years married to a hard-working, but only partially HV man ( which means he was actually LV probably lol!). He believed the bills should be 70% his—but still usually 30% mine. I always thought this was wonderful🙄, LOL! Never again.
I feel like a guy the one I’ve met above may be either very wealthy, but cheap or just broke. What do y'all think? Should I let him come across the country to visit me? Should I just tell him not to come, and hope I find another guy who wants to "spoil and help me"? Thanks for reading my question!
A man who is actively seeking a woman to 'spoil' and 'help' is not a man with good intentions - he's a man on a power trip. That spoiling and helping is likely to come at a very hefty price so unless you're quite happy to stay, or be forced into, the role of rescuee for the duration of this relationship, I'd consider steering clear.
If he wanted to spoil you, he would do it wordlessly. The fact he's telling you that is manipulative. He's dangling a carrot for you.
I agree that the financial end seems suspect. The following things do not make a man HV: sending you money, paying your bills, only staying in luxury hotels, only eating at fine dining establishments, otherwise throwing cash around. Really the way he’s trying to buy you off seems like a big red flag. He likely knows money is all he has to offer and is trying to see how open you are to depending on him financially. Financial dependence is one of the biggest reasons women struggle to leave abusive relationships. LV men know this. His pushiness is a big red flag too. You want to talk for 20 minutes and he pushes you to stay on the phone 2 hours! He sounds like he doesn’t respect boundaries or care how you feel about being held up on the phone so long. That’s also a lot of phone calls for only 3 weeks. And he’s already booked a flight and hotel that quickly? Did you want him to come to your city so soon? Seems like he’s trying to move really fast. You already know he isn’t HV and maybe you’re feeling guilty because of the money he’s put out for gifts and accommodations, but that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. LV men will try to spend money on you, not out of generosity but to create a sense of obligation so they can push you to accept behavior you know is inappropriate.
I don’t think this guy sounds HV at all. Also if a guy wants to spoil you, he will just do it. When they make a point to say “HEY I AM SPOILING YOU” it’s like they just want a bunch of praise. why can’t he just shut and do it? also it’s very manipulative to constantly tell you what he’s doing And why you should be grateful. I know it seems that he hasn’t said this but it’s the subtext of what he’s saying. Drop this guy
An HVM will never "appear LV". Throw away at first red flag.
A HVM will be vetting you as much as you should be vetting him. As a result, there is *no* way that he'd be offering to take care of you, pay your way through school, wanting to talk for hours on end, etc. in the space of knowing you for only THREE WEEKS never having even met you in person. The only men who try to rush things that fast are men trying to get you emotionally invested in them before you see the "real" them.
Is this the same Airbnb struggle love songs guy? If so, you already know the answers we keep giving you over and over. If not, when a guy shows you LV behavior—and he has, abundantly—then that’s what you go by. The occasional lovebombing is meant to distract you from noticing his general scrote persona. Basically, if you have to ask if he’s a loser, he is.
PinkLotus pointed out that you may have posted about this man before. I think so too. I feel that someone has to tell you that he's not going to change. He's mediocre and what you're getting now is simply the best he can do for you. I agree with Millennialpink. Don't allow him to bait you into thinking there is more, your confusion about the situation indicates that you know deep down he's exaggerating his financial status to keep you hooked. Your mind keeps denying what your instincts are telling you about him. That's why you feel confused. You're not confused you're just in denial❤ Trust your gut, your intuition is your superpower. You could pull back from him emotionally and time wise, keep accepting the money while keeping your options open and meeting new people. I think you are too attached to him to keep your options open becuase of false hope, desperation to be saved from your situation and fears over your age. This is why other ladies have advised you to work on being financially,mentally and emotionally whole before getting involved with men. Nothing good ever comes from desperation. Desperation is the quickest path to false hope. Rule #1 of the FDS handbook is to be a high value woman. Everything you need to be fulfilled is within you, you just have to look inwards. Men are only an accessory to a fulfilling life not a necessity.
I am probably an outlier here (I know I'm archaic) but I would absolutely 100% not accept money from someone I was dating. I think our 19th-century ladies had that right. There are gifts that are appropriate and gifts that are not. Flowers, food, books -- all those would be okay, but nothing personal. I do tweak this a little. I would accept personal gifts from someone if we were in a serious, exclusive, in-person, long-term intimate relationship. I would also accept a gift certificate. But cash -- never. What's more, I would never let him know I was in financial need. That isn't any of his business and it is dangerous because it is showing vulnerability. I put it in the same "NO, NEVER" category as telling a dating partner about any past trauma. It is just giving him fuel for exploiting you. Plus, the time spent talking to this type of man can be much better spent working on you, including your financial situation. During the time you're concentrating on him, you could instead be bettering yourself, studying to go further in your field, finding a second job or some freelance work, etc.
First and foremost. Do you want to see him? I think the money thing is a little weird TBH honey. maybe you shouldnt be opening up to men you meet online about your vulnerabilities (in this case financial) Until they are extremely well vetted. you should not want to open up about that so soon and he should not be so eager to jump right in and attempt to “solve” your problems for you. It is tough I know. And when you need that kind of help the smallest gestures can be made to feel like more than they really are worth. That amount is probably nothing to him and I think he is way too old for you!
Is this a joke? This is him grooming you to be a sugar baby. Everything about this man sounds controlling.