Having a hard time cultivating standards

Take your vaginismus as a blessing. You're weeding out LVM that way. A HVM wouldn't put pressure on you to have sex.

1. You can go 50-50 on a date and still have a man expect something from you. It's just losing money in addition to disrespect. However, I do think that having emergency cash is a good idea if he ditches or you need to leave discretely for safety.

2. Well, yes. It is patriarchy. A lot of men can and will act childish and like leeches (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc) or sex pests.

3. You never have to justify or explain anything to anyone. Either he comes correct with what you want, or he doesn't and you take him out of your rotation. This is why I lack the FDS rotation-dates; men don't approach me, and men easily screw up before or during the first date. They have a very hard time even pretending to be decent for two seconds lol. All it takes is a vibe check or something misogynistic he says, and it is over. Block and delete, no explanation.

4. Don't force it. If you get the ick, it is over. He should be intriguing and attractive to you. If he is acting like a child, it is a turnoff and not your job to mommy him or give him pity sex.

5. Goodness, why would your gynecological condition come up (I am assuming so soon?). HVM do not make things sexual early on. They show interest without getting explicit, objectifying you, or anything like that. They should make sure you are giving enthusiastic consent and ensure you are having a good time. I remember feeling like I had to CoMmUnIcAtE I liked affection and warmth, because so many men seemed cold. I remember feeling so starved for romance (and basic human decency) from men before FDS. I was wanting a man who would want me for me, instead of "meh, I guess you are a mediocre warm body." I was set up for failure. Because the only men who asked me out seemed to want "a" woman, any woman, not me. Those same desperate men got quite vocal about how I was not completely what they wanted. So when "desirable," "confident" f-boys would give me a generic compliment/comment on a body part in a way that implied he found me sexy, I mistook it as "modern" romantic attraction. All it did was get me led on by guys who didn't even want to use me for sex--They just wanted to use me for attention. They didnt even want to meet up with me and made me feel crazy for wanting to get coffee or something. This was before FDS. At least I didn't have the potential damage from hookups (such as unwanted pregnancy). But I don't feel desirable as a woman. So I'm working on this.

6. Take time to read the handbook. I am not sure how much would help with relationships with women, but you are not alone with these issues from men.

7. Take time for yourself to define your self worth outside of men. You might find an amazing woman and not even have to worry so much about this weird dynamic between men and women.

I hope you are doing OK and wish you healing 💜

ETA: seeing your update, please be aware submissive/passive men can be controlling but in a different way. It does nobody good to "choke" or whatever-- nonfatal strangulation is very risky and can harm anyone. Not sure about the health risks of pegging. Anyway, a lot of passive men get resentful, or even act like they can do better than you, even if they literally hand you the steering wheel of the relationship. But reading all this, it sounds like you just want some assurance, some category of man, to ensure you will be safe from male violence. It is not hateful to take distance from dating men and clarify your standards. My heart hurts for you that men have treated you so poorly that it feels like you are trying to touch a spiny cactus, when it seems like other people can do it just fine.

I think I'm gay?

Only Brock O'hurn looks good to me.

I guess technically labels don't matter because I still should have a concrete idea of what I expect from everyone when it comes to my needs. I know for a fact that I hate people who take their emotions too seriously and cower at the face of adversity but also my life was rough and I could just be biased in expecting everyone to not have fears or boundaries (even people who dislike certain foods piss me off because I grew up poor.) I end up jostling other people's boundaries because of it and invalidating them. Even when I keep my mouth shut I still feel turned off by them. I think I'm a terrible person, but it's okay because I'm staying alone for now.

Focus on being single for a while and just living your best life. Cultivate friendships.

In short: men have been like McDonald's in that I don't expect much, recommend or respect them.

Women Have been like a fancy restaurant where I'm able to define what I like, expect and don't like about them.

I think it's all crucial because I don't want to accidentally dress up for a McDonald's and pay double for McDonald's. If you catch my weird analogy

Since I've used this as my own brain storming page like the psycho I am I've come to the conclusion that maybe I just don't see men as people anymore and that's why I don't expect much from them. I used to be like "not all men" when I was a teen because I was always judged for hating men and it was bad because it gave me more trauma and it solidified the view I already had when I was even younger. I've always hated men. Even my teenage sexual exploration was Pegging and choking dudes (it was great). But it doesn't change who they are, absolutely inconvenient parasites.

I think based on my past I can build a framework for my ideal man, I miss my peggin days and I miss being with submissive men (but they weren't hot enough.) So I think I've narrowed my tastes down to:

- equal woman, attractive and loyal.

- submissive, attractive, loyal, man that I can treat with respect outside of the bedroom.

Men should be submissive because they're inherently burdenous and dangerous and I just feel safer knowing that he sees me as his queen and himself peasant-adjacent.

And I'll work off of that for now.

Oh and this works! I've gotten my longest lasting, highest quality relationships hooking up with submissive guys, the problem is that they're not attractive (Like Brock O'hurn of course)

But obviously I'm going to stay single and really get my mental ducks in a row so I don't accidentally commit MIND crimes. 💅