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Ever since I was a child, I have been praised for being compassionate and kind. It did lead to some good, but mostly it resulted in people taking advantage of me. One of the things I used to do is overexplain myself, thinking that if I just CoMUniCaTe enough, the problem would get resolved. I would explain myself until I was blue in the face but either nothing would change, or the effect was so minimal compared to the time, effort, and heart I put into getting my point across that it wasn't worth it.
The principle of not overexplaining is easy to apply in dating since you can always just block and move on. What I'm curious about is whether anyone here has used it in non-romantic relationships, be it friends, family, or posting online. At one point I've had enough of trying to defend myself when people take my words out of context or don't even try to understand the point I'm trying to get across, and these days if I do reply, I give answers that are very short and to the point, to avoid wasting my energy on something that won't be appreciated anyway. Aaaand... people hate it. I can tell that it often makes them think I'm arrogant, self-centred, or both. It feels like a lose-lose choice between overexplaining for little pay-off, or not explaining but being misjudged and disliked. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and what would you do in my place.
Oh yeah, people hate it for sure. I was basically the same as you. Communication was conditioned into me to be the utmost priority and obvious solution to everything, and unlearning that has been quite the process, and one that is still ongoing.
I recently read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and it's an excellent book. She gives great examples about how other people's feelings are not your responsibility. This concept has been told to me about a thousand times over the years but I never really...figured it out. I still felt responsible because I like to be nice and I don't want to make other people upset or angry. But this book reallllly helped give examples about how to let that go.
People might think you're arrogant, yes, and at first that can feel devastating. But over the years I learned that, like you said, it's lose-lose. The people who wind up thinking I'm arrogant are the ones who are just pissed they couldn't take advantage of me like they wanted to.
My favorite are the things people say that would expect an answer from me, but they don't ask me a question, so I simply take what they say as an interesting fact they felt like sharing today.
For example: a coworker comes in and says "I can never find what I need in here!"
I say, "Oh," as if he just shared with me that he bought a new car. And that's all. If he has a question, such as "Where is this thing?" or "I can't read labels because I'm dyslexic, can you please help me?" or "I often struggle with your organization method here, could I suggest a different one that might be more straightforward?" he will ask me. He usually leaves thinking I'm a bitch, and that's fine, because the other option would be to be a doormat so he can come in screaming whenever he wants and I'll cater to his every whim to make him feel better. I don't do that. My other coworkers know I'm a lovely, pleasant person. I allow my reputation to speak for itself.
Thanks for posting this! I hate when people’s interaction style is an onslaught of incessant questions. At best it feels like an interview and at worse it feels like an interrogation. My upbringing involved frequent interrogations followed by severe punishments, so I get anxiety and feel like I’m put on the spot. “Don’t explain yourself” has become my mantra. It can be difficult in the moment but the more I apply it, the better I am at shutting those people down. You’re absolutely right about people getting angry over it. I’ve noticed the type of person who feels entitled to that level of access to my life is likely to be indignant when I enforce my boundaries and deny them that access. I can’t imagine being so entitled
I use it all the time in professional contexts (and people respond appropriately much faster than in romantic relationships LOL). I don't want to give away too many details about this situation for anonymity's sake, but basically an editorial assistant asked me why I didn't spot some minor grammar issues she didn't spot either (even though that's literally her job) before something I'm getting published was sent to typesetting. She then asked me why I approved it for typesetting before correcting those - as if the reason isn't obvious (neither of us spotted them on the final read-through?). I basically gave her a one-sentence rationale and she moved on to request the edits to be made.
In the past I would've been profusely apologetic (for not doing her job for her?) and would've wrote a giant essay basically articulating the phenomenology of missing grammar errors on the 99th read-through of some shit I wrote almost a year ago. I had to catch myself and stop and cleanse myself of the mental clutter and sure enough things still worked out fine.
I save my longposting for FDS now.
After I fled my (soon to be ex) husband with our son, I was in a protective shelter but eventually we were able to move into my grandparents home. My parents actually live there as well and I have a good relationship with them. My grandma is very, very religious and sometimes has a "my way or you are wrong" mentality. She's supportive in her own way but if she believes something, she is right until.... I mean she is just always right. I just shut my mouth sometimes about certain things - how I am feeling, my beliefs, my position on certain situations, my actions. A lot of time I just have a very blank face, no emotion and will change the subject when I sense my words are falling on deaf ears. I am a pretty emotionally charged person so it is hard, but there is no point in wasting your breath on someone who refuses to listen.