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I'm wanting to call APS for my elderly pickme friend, but I'm almost 100% certain she would reject any help they offer her, even financial help, to avoid getting her abuser in trouble.
She does not have a caretaker, she IS a caretaker, and has no business being one. (She cant lift her patients, or physically assist them in any way, because she is too feeble herself. She is also clearly dealing with dementia as she gets lost almost every time she leaves the house)
There is physical, emotional and financial abuse present. Her ex husband controls her money, she never knows how much her bills actually are because her ex husband will not let her see them. She isn't allowed to look at her own mail. She can't leave the house without calling him every 20 minutes.
She can barely work and as her health deteriorates more, her ex husband amps up the abuse, because shes can't pay the bills or clean the house to his liking anymore.
Nobody can afford to just move her in with them, except MAYBE one of his family members. (They know he is abusive, as far as i known they don't downplay or deny it. None of us know how to help Her. She just wants money for their utilities. She wont leave him, or kick him out.) Her only child is in prison.
The only reason I haven't outright called the police is
She will protect him and downplay his abuse. "I'm just as bad as him because I occasionally talk back"
The police will most likely redirect me to adult protective services
Does anyone have experience to a similar situation? She needs a caretaker. He wont get a job because he is scamming disability with a fake back injury. (He regularly does woodworking with his disability money, he's an easy fraud case)
I really really wish I could "Rescue Mission" her, but unless its cold hard cash being handed to her, she is likely to reject help. :/ I have hope that a wellness check might wake her up to the gravity of her situation, but I'm also afraid it will just "offend" her ex husband.
You can ask the police for a wellness check, but they either won’t do anything or will make things worse. I recommend calling Adult Protective Services instead and filing a report as they specialize in elder abuse and will actually care. Ask the report to be anonymous. They will take down your info but not tell her who called them.
It sounds like this woman needs go be declared mentally incompetent and to have someone who's not a relative to become her guardian. My aunt has done this for several people who were abused by their families.
File a report with Adult Protective Services. They will send a social worker who may or may not be helpful, but it will at least put her on their radar. The dementia and memory problems alone are grounds for state intervention. The police will certainly be interested in any financial crimes that she may be a victim of, especially if there is fraud or coercion involved. Please call the police non-emergency line and ask them where to start. If APS finds that follow-up is needed--and it sounds like they will--the local police agency will assign a detective to the case to dig further. Keep in mind too that in many if not all jurisdictions, domestic violence is considered a crime against the state, meaning her consent to press charges against her abuser is not necessary. If the police find evidence that she is being abused, off to jail he goes. This is to prevent exactly the situation we see where victims rationalize the abuse and protect the abusers. She will likely not have a say in the matter if there is evidence that he's harming her.
You sound like wonderful person to be so concerned; thank you for acting to help this woman. We are so very vulnerable in old age. ❤️