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I'm a virgin and I've just started dating men. Since I'm a bit of an older virgin at 20 and since I was raised religious and have a touch of moral perfectionism, I put I high value on sex and know I'd regret losing it to a man if he isn't close to being my husband. My ideal would be to only have one partner in my life. The only issue is I feel like most men aren't down with that, and like there's a ticking clock to how long they'll wait. I'd be ok with doing other things, but I'd like to wait a long time for intercourse like maybe 1 year or maybe til engagement. How do you explain this to a man if he keeps trying and you keep saying no? How do you say no to going to a man's place, and how do you explain your limits if you're at a place where you want to go to his place but don't want to go all the way? I'm talking to a new guy and already this is concerning me, which may be a bad sign. I don't want to do it just as a way to keep a man.
I also don't operate on physical attraction. Ofc it's important to a degree that he looks attractive, but my first kiss happened after two months of knowing the guy, if there's no emotional connection I'm not interested sexually. I feel like alot of men are the opposite though and I don't want them to think I'm not interested in them, I just need time.
When you say you're okay with doing 'other things', do you mean acts like oral sex and masturbation? If so, do you not count those things as sex? Sex isn't just penis-in-vagina intercourse. I understand that you might view it differently because of your religion. But for most men, if you do some sexual acts with them, they will try to push you into intercourse because you are already having sex. Unfortunately they likely won't respect your desire to wait. In your case, it would be best to search for a man with the same religion as you, and stick to kissing until marriage if you only want 1 sexual partner.
He is openly disrespecting you and invalidating your boundaries and instead of that disgusting you you keep meeting up?
Older virgin here, hehe. Personally, I wouldn't even do "things" with men. It's so easy to be pressured when you're in the heat of stuff, we'd like to think we can say no, but it's still dangerous, like what if he won't listen?
Anyway, I won't tell men I'm a virgin unless it come up naturally (since it has the potential to attract creep) and just say that you don't want to do anything until you're comfortable (don't give promises until when), but do emphasis that it can be a long time.
It's a good way to test whether a man is HVM or scrote. A lot of men are not willing to wait, a lot scrote had the mentality of "how can I buy a car without test driving it first???"🙄
Anyway, good luck. You have a chance to make your first time truly special, don't be pressured to giving it away.
Most men are wolves in sheep's clothing so if he does anything and I mean ANYTHING that so much as slightly inconveniences you, block him without a word.
You owe men NOTHING. Not your body, your kisses, sex, or even an explanation as to why you don't wanna give them any of that. ALL men yes ALLLLL know exactly why you'd rather wait a long time to be physical. Any guy asking why is just asking how he can manipulate around whatever reason you give him.
Become RUTHLESS and don't ever worry about coming off as rude or disrespectful. Men only behave when they are emotionally wounded, physically wounded or embarrassed.
And if you ever feel like unleashing your inner bitch to remind him of his place, guess what? He ain't the one for you. Throw him back to the streets where he can be devoured by his own kind.
Tldr; NEXT!
Most men I have been this would have waited. I would just tell the guy you’re hanging out with that you really enjoy spending time with him, but that you want him to know up front that you need some time to be physical. It’s not that you’re not attracted to him, you want him to know that it’s just that you do need more time than what is deemed normal nowadays. And if it’s ok if he is a little patient and let you take the lead. A HVM will be pretty exited by this in most cases. Especially if he’s attracted to you. Just make sure you keep telling him, you enjoy his company and give him a few compliments. He‘ll gladly wait.
I can’t speak from personal experience, but you’ll need to think about this and plan ahead what kind of responses you can give. Start now with developing strong boundaries. It sounds like you already know pretty well what you want for yourself, so get really firm about not allowing anyone to sway you from those decisions. You know what is best for you, and there are a lot of guys out there who will try to pressure you into doing things you don’t want or aren’t ready for.
I recommend a couple of resources for help with this:
“The Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Urban
Canada’s Dating Coach on Instagram and TikTok- watch her videos about her 3-month no kissing rule, and her videos abo advocating for her boundaries and being the chooser in relationships. She’s also written several books, some of which may be interesting to you. Yes, she’s coming from a different place in life than you are, but I’ve found the way she talks to men really helpful and disarming, and I think you could easily watch/read her content and take just what applies to your situation.
Well done for being a virgin in your 20s. I think holding off on sex for one year is commendable in 21st-century Western society.
You need to be firm about your sexual boundaries from day one, if a man asks. It's OK to tell him you're a virgin if you've both reached a point in the dating stage when these sorts of discussions become important. Anyone who negs you about your boundaries automatically fails your test. Next.
I think there are plenty of religious and non-religious men who are willing to wait a long time before sex. One year isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things, if you're on your way to a short engagement and a long marriage.
When I was 20, I was also a virgin. I got involved with an older man. I told him I was a virgin, and he said I should wait for someone I love. He was ready to pump and dump me, which is why he "spared" me. He was a shitty person, but I'm glad it never happened with him.
I think that, no matter how shitty a man may be, there's something in men that places value on the purity of women, however dumb it may sound. They just usually ignore it because they're selfish. Only a mega scrote wouldn’t respect you like that.
Virgin in my 30’s here! 🙋🏻♀️
I lay down the law right away. As soon as he asks, tell him you don’t do any of these things. Granted I have never left a man in the middle of a date (although I wish did), I think it’s best to just “rip the bandaid off”. The longer you drag things on, the longer it is to leave the person.
im also a virgin too, I would personally tell them I’m a virgin - if it’s a guy that i was serioisly dating and if he doesn’t want too wait, till a relationship or marriage. I’d break it off - it depends. I don’t recommend going to a man’s place before marriage at all personally. I would never do that, only meetings in public spaces for safety reasons.
If he keeps trying after you said "no", dump him.
And fyi, I dont think youre unusually old to be a virgin. A lot of people dont have sex for the first time until well into their 20s, and thats people from all different backgrounds, not just people with religious "purity" backgrounds. Totally fine.