I’m new here, and learning how to keep my standards high and establish boundaries with men. I recently started dating this guy I like. The first time we went on a date, he picked a cute restaurant and insisted on paying the bill. The second time we went in a date, the waitress asked “do you want to spllit this in any way.” And I said, “we can go 50/50,” to which my date agreed. I didn’t want to go 50/50, but I guess I just felt uncomfortable. On our most recent date, when the bill came I pulled out my card. I was really trying to do a fake reach expecting him to stop me. But, all he said was “wanna go 50/50.” I didn’t say anything and placed my card down. I’m really disappointed in myself because I know and want better. I just struggle with confidence sometimes and we are both medical students, so I know he doesn’t have an income and we both live off loans. Still, is it fair for me to expect him to date me properly and pay the whole bill? How do I go from out 50/50 dynamic to getting him to pay.
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That dumb fucking waitress should get her ass fired!
Hey girlie, first off I applaud you for furthering your education and pursuing med school—best of luck with your studies!
I do think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. This man is showing you who he is! You don’t want him to about face and all of a sudden start courting you…you want a new man altogether.
Your classmate *wants* a 50/50 relationship (if he didn’t want 50/50, he never would’ve let it happen…twice). Is this the man you want to be with?
You shot yourself in the foot right there by saying "wanna go 50/50?", but Im sure you already know that. I think it will be hard coming back from that.
It doesn't matter that you're both students, if he can't afford to court you and pay for dates, he shouldn't be dating anyone until he can.
How is he supposed to impress you, if you're offering 50/50?
Too late now. He's already accepted your lower standards for treatment and knows he can get away with treating you casually.
In future, never reach for your purse after a meal, unless it's to get a mint. A man who truly wants to date you WILL always treat you, even if it is within a more modest budget. Don't bother with 50/50 guys. Women ALWAYS end up doing MUCH more than 50% in the relationship, so the least a man can do is pay for the privilege of having you in his life.
If he won't, then there is your answer.
Move on from this guy. He is treating you like a 50/50 girl, and that won't change now. 50/50 guys are never generous, always cheap, and will always take more than they give in any relationship.
Hey I just want to say don't beat yourself up because you didn't cause the 50/50 dynamic. HVM want to pay for you and insist on taking care of it when you offer to split, they might even get a little offended you expected to pay for yourself.
society has trained us to go 50-50 our whole lives, so it’s hard to sit on your hands and say thank you.
once you say once to go 50-50, the man will always see you like that. And a decent man won’t let you pay, even if you offer, though he likely won’t call again. Your date was not a decent man.
I personally wouldn’t date, at all. The course of study you chose requires your full attention.
Tbh it's hard to come back from going 50/50, because he's going to be thinking, "Well she paid THAT time, why won't she pay anymore?" or he'll just outright tell you it's your turn even if you don't want to pay.
You don't want to date a man that doesn't understand that paying is for men to show effort, intent, and interest. You already show yours by showing up to the date looking nice, giving him attention, etc.
So you can try to put that boundary back down. Tell him you were thinking about it and that you don't want to do 50/50 or pay at all until you're sure he's serious about you (this is a white lie). If he's interested he'll jump at the opportunity to prove it. If he refuses, that's your cue to move on.
Anedote: I've been on a few dates with a new guy. On date #1 he paid and said something like "I've got this one". I just told him that I flat-out don't believe a woman should pay unless she wants to. He was actually pretty shocked and didn't agree, but guess what - he continues to ask me out and pay without a single complaint. In fact, he came to me later and said that HE realized that it's unfair for men to expect women to pay for the above reasons of effort, appearance, etc. And he says things like "Best $xyz I've ever spent" or "It was worth it to spend more time with you". That's the level you should expect!!