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Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve come on here, and honestly I’m ashamed to be making this post.
I took a long break from dating, and then decided to get into it again last summer. I met a guy on Hinge, and things were going good. I never entertained moving fast or getting physical, I made sure he was putting enough effort into dates, and we saw each other weekly for about a month. We did various things, ate out, went to parks, went to cinemas and canals.
I could tell that he wanted to escalate things physically, and to me, it seems like we were on the brink of taking things to the next step. However, I could sense that he was getting more distant. He wasn’t texting as much, and he wasn’t planning as much. I was doing that now.
I felt like I ultimately gave in to having sex. Maybe I felt like I wanted to recapture his interest. Maybe I felt it was ending anyway. Either way, it was a massive mistake.
We had sex, and he was respectful to me afterwards. We went on a long walk and had a deep, personal conversation on both sides. I went home and he texted me first to continue a conversation. I realised that I left something at his, and asked if he could send it to me (he lives about an hour away). He told me he would bring it to me.
I don’t want to miss context here, so about a week passes and his communication is really distant. I kind of lost composure and said something along the lines of thanks for using me. I know I never should’ve said it, for my sake.
He now ghosts me for about 2/3 weeks. He then sends me a paragraph apologizing, saying he’s been overwhelmed with his own life, and saying he ran away from our connection rather than confront his fears to me.
I forgave him, and apologised for what I said. He never responded. I messaged him a few more times, also asking for what I left at his back, and absolutely nothing. Around a week later, I notice he signs me out of his streaming account. This was now in October, so it’s been a few months. I also last reached out in October.
Since this has happened, I honestly hate myself. I feel used and worthless, and I feel as though my confidence has taken a nosedive. I can’t believe that I sabotaged myself like that, and I honestly feel pretty depressed.
I’m trying to move on, but I keep remembering what happened, and it brings me down and affects my self esteem.
I wish I could have taken any dignity from the situation, but it feels like I lost all of it.
I feel constantly paranoid about every man around me, and I feel like I’ve completely convulsed away from anything that could hint at sexual.
Start dehumanizing men like they do to us. Don't view them as humans with emotions and desires and autonomy. They're real purpose in life is to serve their woman.
You used him out of loneliness and he knew he wouldn't be able to serve you anymore, so he phased himself out before you could beat him to it. He already confessed he can't even handle his own life, so he's too weak to keep up with your needs.
Leave him and his memory where you found him and onto the next one.
you can recover by realizing that man is probably gonna go on the internet later on complaining about his male loneliness epidemic despite the fact that he got exactly what all men complain about not getting enough of. Now you get to focus on yourself, you don't have to clean up after him, cook for him, have his kid- I'd say you got the better end of the stick lol
Post him in your local AWDTSG and let everyone know he used you for sex, ghosted you afterwards and refused to return your stuff or even let you come get it
That'll probably get his attention, to which you must not reply!!! This part is key
i won't comment directly on what happened and will jump straight to your question.
i used to beat myself up for my mistakes regarding my love life. how could i be so stupid? why didn't i tell him to stop? why did i put myself through that? why did i put up with that shitty treatment? etc. then one day i realized it wasn't stupid of me to expect basic human decency from men, or from anybody. they took advantage of me when i assumed they were innocent until proven guilty. how is that stupid? especially considering people get sooooo offended when you assume yes all men.
another thing that helped me forgive myself was to work on my leraning skills. i have learned from my mistakes. we learn better when we make mistakes, so i use that to evolve. and i try to remember that even after i think i've learnt everything from a past experience (or from other women's experiences), that does not mean i will never make mistakes again. before i found FDS, i already had reached the conclusion that i was better off alone and i was sure i knew all their tricks. then a scrote came along and proved me wrong. he lovebombed me and i fell for it because i had never experienced that before and yes it made me feel special. once again i let hope and faith in the "not all men" moto take the best of me and i regret it deeply.
know yourself. if you realize you have a weak spot for a especific type of situation, avoid it as best as you can. i have a friend who has no sugar in her house. i've always thought it was too extreme of her. sugar is not the monster people think. in moderate quantities, it's even good. the thing is, whenever she has sweets available, she devours them like a starving monster. it's even uncomfortable to watch. so her strategy is to completely avoid sugar as best as she can. therefore, she doesn't feel shameful for losing control.
now the last tip is the most FDS thing ever: be ruthless. that means you have to follow the so called "rules" and have no mercy. "but i really want to do xyz and it's against the rules" - well, don't do xyz. it's way better to suffer because you're following the rules than to suffer because once again you've trusted a scrote and he's taken advantage of you. keep your standars, keep your dignity!
it's a process. no one is born ready.
Men are shallow, deceitful and parasitic by nature. Once you understand this is just how Men are like you’ll feel less hurt. I’m sorry you are feeling like shit, understand that men don’t see the humanity in Women because they don’t see the humanity in themselves. Males are soulless. The only thing you can do is decenter Men. Don’t put their attention or validation on a pedestal. It means nothing.
Funny how men always seem to get really busy, or their lives get really hectic, right after adding one to their body count...
These mother fuckers really think we aren't on to them.
“Ghosted after sex - how to forgive myself for being stupid?”
You forgive yourself by giving it time and avoiding LVM in the future.
I’ve put myself in some undignified positions before; most of us have. The best way to get over it is to give yourself time to get over it and vet harder/better next time.
Was he seeing others? Never allow them to
Seeing others should mean an immediate stop to accessing you
Never have sex before full commitment
I had a scrote invest in me for a year and he still cut things off after sex, though he didn't ghost me. They are disgusting
Writing this with the love that I would want to show myself and others. All I can say is this too will pass.
Can you tell us More details about how you speak to this guy ? what types of things you say to him and what do you share with him about yourself ? What are the conversatjon topics you commonly have with him ? what do you say to him to get to know him or communicate that you enjoy getting to know him / enjoy who he is ? I’m not saying a guy can’t still up and decide to move on even if you do everything right bc people are so capricious , but I see so little of the intimacy strategy discussed in this forum that must come into play along side next to the more practical business side of dating strategy such as what kind of date to pick ,who pays, how many days should go by without communication etc!
You wanted to continue seeing him after he was already getting distant and had sex with him. It just proved that sex changes nothing for men, seems like he was already losing interest. I'm not going to preach about valuable lessons here because I have been in your place a few times, and that made me forever delete Hinge and go into therapy. I'm just gonna say that time and distractions help.