Getting over the ex ick factor

Men treat all women the same. I’m sorry, but it’s just game that there’s this “One” girl that will change his mind, and he’ll magically become a good man when he meets her. I’m 47 years old. I haven’t ever met a bad man who ever changed. EVER. My abusive father is sitting in a hospital as we speak after having his legs cut off last week due to gangrene, and he’s still the same old arsehole at age 75. He treated my mother, sister, me, his girlfriend, and every other woman he’s ever met like trash. He’s a fuckboy who has a sweet 85 year old girlfriend that he ghosts when he meets a new younger girl at a casino, and then goes back to her when the young girl doesn’t want his poor, abusive arse. He’s never apologized for anything evil he’s done like stripping me naked and beating me with dowels until I was black and blue for weeks. Bad men NEVER change. NEVER, EVER, EVER. Don’t blame yourself for his diabolical nature. Men chop women down so that they don’t have the esteem and respect it takes to leave a loser alone. Just remember that. A good man would have uplifted you and done his best to make you feel safe and special. Please don’t feel like it’s your fault. My father told me that I was a “fat, worthless glutton” so many times as a little girl. He broke my soul. So many men have no compassion for anyone, and it’s because they only care about domination and control. Go to YouTube and look up EFT for sadness, anger, betrayal, breakups, and work on yourself. Also look for “forget your ex” hypnosis. That helped me get over my evil ex in 2 days. Best wishes.

It’s amazing that when men claim to be mistreated, they always make it the woman’s fault. But when women are mistreated, and have ample evidence for it, we make it our fault.

Don’t beat yourself up especially if you were lovebombed hard and then got discarded. Educate yourself about the narcissistic abuse cycle. Go deeper into healing childhood afflictions. Stay as healthy as you can and speak kindly to yourself.

Don’t ever let a man define your worth. You matter.

You'll get there- movement helps. Physically processing your emotions is an underused/taught skill. For me, yoga works. For you, maybe it's Zumba, or roller skating, or just dancing in your house or headbanging in the car. Whatever it is, when you feel it- move through it

Shake it off- literally. Every time I think about my most recent ex I get the ick and I pull a face and shudder it out. I'm at the laughing stage now, where I can't believe we were together. And I'm approaching the stage where I recount my behavior and notice where I let myself stay past when I should have left.

I agree with all the advice above. I would add that asserting boundaries (especially against men), no matter how small, help me regain my power after being mistreated by an LVM for 3 years.

Practice saying "no" to people, even in small ways. Increase your level of audacity and entitlement. Society loves to make fun of woman for being entitled by calling them "Karen". Yes, some woman have behavior that is extreme, but I think that more woman should act more entitled in general.

Hi there, I am not sure of your entire situation, but was your ex a narcissist? Just some of the language you used in your write up screamed narc - especially how he made you feel terrible and then "tossed" you away. The cycle of idealize - devalue - discard. If you felt comfortable, maybe reading about narcissist abuse and realizing that it was never you, he is just a sick abusive asshole.

Personally I would just blank out men and any thought of men for a bit and spend some time going inward. Do all the good stuff for yourself, the internal 'work', the eating right, the exercise (this is for mental health purposes) the pampering, the goal planning etc. You don't need to reframe anything, as his opinion is invalid and of no consequence to you; an absolute prize going on her merry way.

Just focus on getting back on track to your own vibe and the memory of the dusty will disappear in the wind.

I feel you. I’ve spent a long time bashing and chastising myself for how I let myself be treated in my past relationships.

I think the first step to healing is to treat yourself with compassion. What the other person says about you is often a reflection of themselves rather than you. I don’t blame women for being treated badly in the same way I wouldn’t blame an abuse victim for being subjected to abuse, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to blame myself.

I used to look at my past self with disdain for letting herself get treated this way, but now I wish I could give her a hug. She just wanted to love and be loved. She did the best she could with what she knew at the time, and she didn’t deserve to get treated like that. And without her, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’m now stronger and more educated, and continue to level up. I don’t want to pick up where my LV exes left off by continuing to mistreat my past self through shame and low self-esteem. Instead, everyday I wake up and choose to do my best to love myself and treat myself in the way they never could. I deserve it, and so do you, OP. Virtual hugs.

Reading your words I really felt your pain. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If you suspect this relationship has a root cause in past traumas in your life, you may find it helpful to examine this. For myself, I realized there was always something deeper I was trying to heal within myself when I chose to endure abusive behaviour rather than remove myself. I was trying to repeat the past in a way, so I could get a do-over. Once I understood why I endured what I did, I didn't feel so foolish anymore. I was able to view myself with compassion. It also became easier to avoid these types of situations in future.

There are numerous modalities for getting a man out of your mind and your nervous system. Some have already been mentioned here. If you're open to it, energy work, such as cord cutting, visualizations, etc. may also be helpful. Intentionally placing your thoughts on yourself and the things you like to do may be helpful. Distracting your mind may be helpful if the thoughts become circuitous.

The one caveat here is to be careful of bypassing pain by turning away from it entirely. This may not be a popular comment but I feel compelled to say it.

I have been down this road and the pain came for me later; the monster grew, it gathered darkness the longer I swept it aside.

I know it's logical and self protective to look for a fix when we are experiencing uncomfortable emotions, especially shame and self reprisal. But the pain can also contain a message that can be important for our growth.

I hope this is helpful and wish you all the best.

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/07/the-ones-who-just-leave-3/

Take it as a perverse compliment whenever a narcissistic abuser realizes he can’t play you anymore. On some level, abusers grasp when their prey will no longer tolerate the nonsense he’s planning.

He would have tossed anyone away like old news. It has nothing to do with you. If he said something about your body, he would have shamed any girl. With men, they will not shame you for your body, or they will - it has nothing to do with you or your apperance. Its hard not taking things personal. But a LVM is a LVM, no matter who you are. Because that mindset he has, comes from within himself.

I’ve been there, hun. But trust me, it’ll get so much better! I was so hurt by my first ex (an abusive fuckboy) then he became a college meme. Even though I blocked him, I would still hear from others (or just by seeing him on campus) of his new gf and how young/hot/sweet she was, then 3-6 months later it’s different girl! then another girl and another girl and the cycle repeated to the point it was so funny and ridiculous that everyone just started making fun of him or making bets about the next gf. It's been going on for years and he hasn't dated a woman older than 22 yet 🤡.

When I was a young, heartbroken college student, I was soooo embarrassed about how I let him treat me and how maybe I wasn’t good enough or hot enough or whatever. But the next girl, regardless of her looks, got treated the same way 🤷‍♀️. They don’t change, and you’ll look back and laugh at what a child he was and how he FAILED you and didn’t deserve you!