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So, this is based on a reddit post I read ages ago that really shocked me at the time and I would love to hear your opinions:
In the post the OP asked something like the following question:
If your friend tells you something in confidence (later specified as something private, embarrassing, traumatic etc. you can reasonably assume they wouldn’t want strangers to know, but nothing that e.g., endangers you, them or other people. OP used the example of telling you about a past sexual assault or childhood abuse they experienced), is it okay to tell your boyfriend/partner?
I was honestly shocked by the answers because the absolute majority of them were variations of “Yes, of course!” “I share everything with my partner and we have no secrets” “If she didn’t want my partner to know she shouldn’t have told me!” “I like to discuss things with my partner and get his opinion” "In confidence just means not telling strangers and random people but doesn't apply to partners" and negative answers were downvoted to oblivion.
This was completely unfathomable to me because I expected the answers to be what I would say: A firm “absolutely not”, unless the secret puts me, them or someone else in immediate danger or is something so morally despicable (like admitting to planning a heinous crime), I couldn’t live with it. And even then, I wouldn’t tell my partner, I would tell the respective authorities. Whatever my friend told me, it is not my secret to share, with anyone, ever. Sharing it would be a huge breach of trust.
Reading the answers honestly scared me because I couldn’t help but wonder how many of my friends had forwarded what I told them in confidence to their partners (and exes, and the guys before that…). Men I barely knew and know. Men who I would never have shared that secret with myself. Men who might even tell it to their friends, who will tell it to their friends and so on. Just because I naively assumed that telling a close friend something in confidence also meant that they would not share it with their current partner. How can you trust even other women after reading that?
What do you think? Would you share things like that with a partner? Do you expect your friends to share things you told them? Any experience with situations like that?
Almost everyone I’ve ever told a secret to couldn’t keep it. I can keep them, which is interesting. I didn’t realise how everyone finds it so hard to keep others’ secrets yet they can hide a lot about themselves 🤔
I agree w you 10000% and I'm so glad you brought it up. A friend of mine told her bf alllll my childhood stories I'd shared on confidence AND the grimy details on a breakup and I swear to God I would never speak to this man if he wasn't dating her and I'm so pissed he knows my business now. Consequently, she's no longer a close friend of mine. It's a sign of a lack of trustworthiness, and a boring/almost dead relationship when couples overshares and gossip like that. To have to enmesh that much to feel a connection is so 😒
There seem to be far too many women willing to see their partners - especially the men - as their so called "twin flame" and I just...UGH. And while women get the blame for being tattletales it is MEN who are the WORST GOSSIPPERS ever. The women run and tell them like they're kids then the guy starts the very dangerous game of Telephone. He tells his bro, that bro tells the other bros, and the secret becomes a hot ass mess!
I agree with you: absolutely not. My pick-me mother used to (and still does, but, I stopped telling her) share all of my private info with her partners. My former best friend used to also have the opinion if you don’t want her partner to know, don’t tell her. Reasons she’s my former friend.
I pulled away from a woman friend I'd recently made because she related back her awful BF's comments on me and my life. Conversation between friends stays between friends, and that means not telling partners. This isn't the old days where you are your husband's rib.
A secret is a secret, only exception is life or death. I should add, if someone is abusing another, this is one other exception where I will report.
This is yet another reason why you shouldn't trust pickmes or treat them as anything more than casual acquaintances. They are handmaidens for their scrotes and will betray you in an instant if they think it will curry their man's favor. HVW know better.
I think there's a middle ground where you can hint to a partner that your friend might have "something going on" without going into detail. For example, friend goes through a messy breakup, guy cheats on her with a prostitute. You might tell your partner "she's going through a rough time, that guy did not deserve her, he was a real creep"--gory details omitted, but still giving an idea of the situation.
I always thought it was shitty to share what people tell you in confidence to your partner. Imagine some random person knowing your trauma and deepest secrets, that's what it's like. If they told you something heavy and you want to vent to your partner, you should at least keep it anonymous (no names, vague details) so they won't know who it is. Or journal it or something. 🙄
I agree with you! Unfortunately at an early age I learned to not share secrets with anyone and my naive bubble was popped early on when I would share secrets with my cousins and I learned that they would share it with our friends (former now) and immediately they would share it with their parents and other siblings (I also realized they had me on speaker when I would talk to them on the phone). Since then I don’t share secrets with ANYONE unless it’s my mom, sister, another aunt and small group of girlfriends (though the things I share with them is still pretty minor and def not close to what my sister and I talk about). But there’s still a lot of things I keep to myself and I would NEVER share anything my girlfriend or any person confided with me to my future partner. It’s not my info to share and if they wanted him to know he would be present or they might ask me to ask him for a male perspective. That’s it!! It’s the top quality that I’m vetting men with is his integrity/trustworthiness.
My mom always used to tell my dad whatever I told her, like it was some funny story. I had to specify that it was "a secret" that she could never tell anyone in order to have at least some hope that she wouldn't tell him.
I agree overall and think that the golden rule applies here- how would you feel if your friends revealed your secrets to their partners? On the other hand, how would you feel if your bf withheld secrets about his friends? I acknowledge that there can be potential conflicts of interest- between respecting and hiding your friend’s personal info vs maintaining transparency and trust with your partner. I could be overthinking it. There’s so many “what ifs” that I can think of. Overall, people shouldn’t be loudly and proudly gossiping about their friend’s personal affairs, nor should they be sharing it with people who can’t be trusted.
You are right. I tell my friends pretty much everything but on multiple occasions when some news about a person came out and I told one about it, she would tell me she already knew and just didn't tell me because the person asked her not to I would do the same. It doesn't impact our friendship, in fact it makes me trust them more because I know a secret is safe with them. Its honestly childish to expect your friends to tell you everything.
I would do the exact same with a partner and I wont find it offensive if he does the same as expect it of him.