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My fiancé and I have been together for 1.5 year now. We have been living together for 6 months. I'm 25 and he's 31. I understand that FDS recommends women to never move in with a man before marriage, but he proposed at our one-year anniversary and I thought it was the right time to move in since we are both committed to each other.
He's been a great fiancé so far and shouldered a lot of responsibilities. Due to his financial situation, he revealed that he was getting into credit card debts back when he was pursuing me and kept this a secret. I had very high standards when we were dating and he treated me to a lavish lifestyle, along with being the best boyfriend ever to me, kind, caring, and understanding.
Ever since we moved in together, everything slowly began shifting away from our old lives. I had agreed to split the rent with him around 40%, while he paid all the other costs of livings such as groceries, utilities, love expenses such as flowers, gifts, dinner. We also decided to split household chores, but I would admit here that I've been slacking off on these responsibilities ever since I stated my new job.
As for our plans of getting married, he's been putting off on giving me a date for us to start planning our budget. On top of that, he is also experiencing a difficult time at work. I tried to support him and took over the other responsibilities. I was very eager to get married, but after knowing his financial situation, I suggested we can get married on paper and would plan our wedding in a year or two.
This led to a huge fight about him not being ready for marriage. He said that he resents me for not cooking and cleaning as much as I should. He said I've been on the receiving end for too long, and he's sick and tired of being the perfect fiancé, always taking on everything, anticipating my needs, and that I've set him 5 steps back in life for being so high-maintenance (which he loves in the beginning).
This caused me to also get angry at him, I told him I was transparent with him in the beginning and he knew what I required for my standards. He gave me a lifestyle he couldn't afford and now pulled the rug underneath me when he told me he's not emotionally nor financially ready for marriage. I told him I'm also not ready for being essentially a stay at home wife before we are officially married, let alone have children and give my full commitment to him. I was under the impression that when we moved in together, we would be planning our wedding and moved our future forward. Instead, I found out he was in debts, depressed, and not ready for marriage with me now.
We ended our night in a fight, and as this morning when he left for work, he angrily said that he's never going to marry me because I'm not wife-material! Because I refused to fully take care of him. He told me I'm worthless and lazy, and that no man would want a woman who lacks motherly qualities (cooking, cleaning, taking care of her man).
I was in tears and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I called my mom and cried to her for awhile. She then told me she never approved me moving in with him before marriage. She said I don't look as beautiful and lively as I once did when I was single. She insisted that he sucked my youth and beauty out of me for making me go from a carefree person to a stay at home girlfriend/fiancé. She wanted me to go back to live with her and dad like I did before. She said if I decided to not fight for my relationship, my family is here to support me.
As me and my mom were planning to buy some boxes to help me move out, he suddenly came back home with flowers. He told me that he made a mistake and still wanted to continue our relationship. The kicker is that he told me we're not getting married in a year or two. By then, he would be financially ready for a wedding.
He told me it was because of our fight that he held back on getting married, even on paper. He wanted to see me change, to CONTRIBUTE (he keeps repeating this) in our relationship. He's tired of taking care of me and he wants reciprocation from me. From now on, he wants me to actively participate in doing more and making him feel more loved. He blamed the breakup on me and EVERYTHING is my fault and that anyone would want him as a husband, so I need to change to make this work. He made me feel very guilty, as if I never did enough to keep him.
I told my mom and she was very against this. She told me whether or not I did enough in the relationship, a man who truly loves me wouldn't go back on his words and now told me he's not sure about marriage with me. She believed the moment he's not ready for marriage and I am, he holds the power and would use the power he has to make me do anything he wants until he finds someone better.
I'm heartbroken as everything happened wayyyyy too fast. I asked him more about what he means by not being ready for marriage. He kept avoiding saying the phrase He wants to marry me. He simply said that he loves me so much and wanted this work out. He said I need to be the one who decided whether this works out or not since I haven't been doing enough. And he also calmly said, with no emotions whatsoever, if I feel like I'm putting my life on hold waiting around for him then I should move on. I feel like he was challenging to walk away from him.
I've been on a limbo ever since. I agreed that I would try more to make this work but I believe that my dignity has never been the same. It hurts when my fiancé said he's not ready for marriage anymore. I don't want to be the one bending over backwards for a man. I will admit that I haven't done as much as a good wife should and he has been doing the majority of the work in this relationship. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty enough to give this a try to make this work, but also have resentment built up inside me that I'm wasting my time with a man who's not sure about me.
My family is very against it and suggested I have to be strong enoug to not blame myself and walk away from him. My parents insisted on that I did absolutely nothing wrong and since he's unable to provide for me fully, he's not allowed to have any other expectations of me more than just what I'm doing. What should I do? I think I cannot live like this forever. I'm also anxious and depressed thinking about the uncertainty of the future with him.
"He angrily said that he's never going to marry me because I'm not wife-material! Because I refused to fully take care of him. He told me I'm worthless and lazy, and that no man would want a woman who lacks motherly qualities (cooking, cleaning, taking care of her man)"
RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN LIKE HE IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO KILL YOU.
RUN.
He's an abuser.
Your parents are right. Take them up on their offer and immediately move back in with them. Get away from this guy.
*edit for typo
Sorry girl, he's cheating on you. Heres what gave it away.
He said that he resents me for not cooking and cleaning as much as I should.This is a thing scrotes have been doing for a while now and its a full fledged manosphere technique at this point. Men demonize their partner when they start cheating in order to justify it. He's backfooting you. If you were to start cooking and cleaning, he wouldn't acknowledge it and he'd say he can't marry you because your body count is too high.
You are very blessed to have your parents. They have given you the opportunity to move back in with them and he has given you the opportunity to leave. Take it. Seize it. He will just keep moving the goalposts as you sink deeper into depression and sunk cost.
Ah, yes.
Wanting a tradwife but unable to provide 100%. He can't even provide 50/50. He's broke and in debt from just trying for a year. The credit cards are full and the con has run its course.
Look at the ittle whittle boy throwing a tantrum.
😭 no mommy mcbang maid for him 😭
My HVM says that you don't get tired of being a decent person, simular to "playing nice", he is pantomiming being a decent man. He also says that bringing that up during a marriage talk is further proof he is faking and can't/wont keep up his mask for much longer. He is a scrote playing house like a child.
Please, leave this man. Do not let him take another minute of your life. You can live without him and find someone who adores and cherishes you.
Break up.
Your mum knows you better than anyone. Believe her.
As soon as a man insults you, run.
Oh wow. The mask dropped big time. Abort mission. Do not get married. The fact that he was taking out loans to fulfill your standards was the first sign that he was putting up a facade, and now he's getting tired of the perfect boyfriend act and wants to cash in on his promised benefits and receive bangmaid services, he paid such a big price for them after all, right? He showed you who he is. Plan your exit. By the way: my ex basically pulled the same shit on me (minus the engagement and the debt, but the same accusations) and that's also when I called my mom and decided I didn't have to take this anymore. You made the right and necessary first step. Leaving will hurt, but it's the best thing you can do.
He wants a servant and he wants your money. Nothing is preventing him from hiring a housecleaner and a chef, or getting a better job himself. Your mom is right; listen to her and take her advice. You'll realize sooner than you think that this guy has been revealing his contempt for you little by little over time. He's manipulative. I think the others are right about his cheating too. He's blowing up your relationship because he's been cheating on your for a while and wants to hide it.
HE SUCKS. I'm sorry. At least you found out now. And now you'll know to never let a man treat you this way ever again.
Ding ding ding! We have an abuser! 🛎️
It's fortunate you found out now and not after you got married.
Get out now.
'We ended our night in a fight, and as this morning when he left for work, he angrily said that he's never going to marry me because I'm not wife-material! Because I refused to fully take care of him. He told me I'm worthless and lazy, and that no man would want a woman who lacks motherly qualities (cooking, cleaning, taking care of her man).'
This right here was him revealing himself. Everything he's said since has been nothing but bullshit to make you feel exactly the way you do right now - heartbroken, guilty and obligated. Let me be extremely clear here, there is NO NEED for you to feel like this about a situation he willingly signed up for and is now trying to bait and switch himself out of by laying on the heavy guilt trip. Also, you're not his wife so you have NO obligation to do anything that a 'good wife' should, or to jump through his bullshit hoops to 'make it work'.
As to whether you should stay or leave, that is entirely your call, but you said you already felt like you were losing your dignity. Is this guy and the lies and headgames he's offering you worth that?
"I will admit that I haven't done as much as a good wife should"
You aren't his wife, though. He's shown that he'd prefer to live together without ever getting married, but now he wants full wife benefits for girlfriend prices. No ma'am. Not only is he already trying to hold the marriage carrot over your head (now that he sees it's important to you), but he's demonstrating the classic abuser cycle: start a fight and make accusations whenever you step out of line (by asking about getting married, in this case), say he's sorry but keep you on the backfoot by gaslighting and making you think it's your fault ("I'm sorry I lost my temper. It's just so hard when you keep provoking me"), lie dormant until the next time (and there will be a next time. There always is). He's even convinced you that his outburst was your fault! Can you imagine how this will escalate if you ever DO get married? Men don't become less abusive when they get married; in fact, they often graduate from verbal abuse to physical abuse once they feel they have you trapped. And if it doesn't happen if/when you get married, it will happen once you get pregnant. Now move out, before he baby-traps you.
This guy doesn't respect you. A man who actually loved and respected you wouldn't propose and then claim that he's not ready to get married, only to then bring you flowers and claim that he's changed his mind. He knows that you want to get married and he's dangling it over your head like a carrot in order to get you to do whatever he wants. He's already trying to manipulate you into doing more housework. Next time, it'll be something else e.g. more sex or agree to a threesome or something else. You need to get out now! Your mother sounds like she has her head screwed on. You should listen to her and you should definately get away from your boyfriend. Your mother has offered to let you stay with her. Why not take her up on the offer?!
Please leave. I promise you that if you stay and spend more years with this man, you will deeply regret it. I’m sure many women here (including myself) can tell you about the years we wasted on a joy-draining loser because we thought there was something there worth salvaging. There isn’t. This man is an abuser and it will only get worse. The longer you stay with an abuser, the harder it is to heal the damage.
All you have to tell him is that you changed your mind because you realized he’s “not husband material.” I would recommend moving out while he’s at work or out of the house (if at all possible) and just leaving a note. You don’t have to suffer the blow-up.
Someone else already said it: this guy is cheating on you. Whenever a guy who's been wearing a mask suddenly starts blaming you for why he was masked up, it's because there's a new woman in the picture (or one that's been there for a while and he's wanting to leave you for her). That's the real reason he's stressed out, depressed, poor and suddenly wanting you to contribute.
OP, you've already gotten some great advice. Please follow it. I want to tell you that this is going to hurt, and you're probably going to try like hell to rationalize staying. Push through it. There is an amazing life for you, waiting on the other side, but you must leave this relationship in order to get to it. I am so sorry you are going through this🧡
Tell him he's not husband material because real men actually provide for their families
Okay your soon-to-be-ex sucks but your parents sound great - rely on them for emotional support when you break up with him.
This is pretty much exactly what you're going through btw
Leave, men who aren't ready for mariage are ready to receive all the husband benefits for free, If you have been dating a man for a half year and he's not ready to marry you before the year ends then he's either not into you or he settles for you until he finds something better, or he is with you for convenience sake. Relationship must progress to courtship within a half year, dont let men waste your time and don't allow such disrespect.
How do you know when a man is in the relationship for you? When he is capable of acting like a mature adult and cooks and cleans for himself, If he expects you to be his mommy then let him go.
Girl, this is abuse. Listen to your family and get the fuck out. Don't talk about it with him, just do it. He's a liar and a shameless manipulator.
All the red flags:
He lied to you about being in debt from the beginning. This alone is a dealbreaker, because he's just proven himself a huge liar and you have no idea what else he's lying to you about. Do you even know how much debt he's in, or are you taking his word for it?
He proposed with no intention of marrying you. No timeline means he isn't serious, he's just here to waste your time.
"He's having a hard time at work" so you took over all the other responsibilities. Exactly how much are you paying now? Do you see how he keeps moving goalposts and then blames you for "expecting too much of him"?
I'm not even gonna get into him blowing up at you, saying you're not wife material, and saying you need to earn the ring. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You see this is abuse, right?
He brings home flowers and gives you excuses, because he knows you were about to leave. Google the abuse cycle. This is how abusers behave: abuse you, blow up, then try to soothe things over with false promises, then the cycle repeats. He's not sorry, he's just lying to you some more because he knew you were about to leave, so he fed you some more bullshit to make you stay. Get out now before he escalates.
He'll lead you on forever. Even IF you get married, it'll only be for his benefit, never yours, and you'll forever be his whipping post. He's a liar who's terrible with money (and this is only what he's ADMITTED to you!) so who knows what else he's lying to you about and how much other debt he's in.
Call your family and get their help moving out. Don't be alone with him again because he's abusive and who knows how he'll escalate when he realizes you're done.
Honey your mom has all the answers. Go back home.
The fact he backtracked on marriage is the LEAST of your problems. He is manipulative and emotionally abusive. You are BLESSED he doesn't want to marry you. You'd be getting in an abusive marriage.
Let's just assume you have 50% of the blame now (for the record, I don't think you do, but just as a thought experiment). Do you think it's healthy and loving for a man to guilt trip you into changing? Is it loving to tell you you won't find better than him cause you're not a good woman? This is textbook narcissistic abuse, including coming home with flower after hurting you (intermittent reinforcement much?) and if you don't leave him it will get worst. You can't make him change into what he was because we wasn't loving you, he was love bombing you.
And to all the young ladies reading this, BEING HIGH MAINTANANCE AND HAVING HIGH STANDARDS DOESN'T KEEP YOU SAFE FROM NARCISSISTS. THEY LOVE A CHALLENGE. I will never get tired of shouting this from the rooftops.
Please cut your losses and leave now. You're so lucky to have a supportive mum who gets it. Go live with her and recover from this ordeal. Life doesn't have to be so hard.
First of all I would like to point out that you are being brave and amazing for making all the necessary steps toward making the right choices.
You called your parents who love you and want the best for you and are ready to welcome you back and protect you.
You posted here because you know how we will react.
Proud of you because you have your own back !
Now the next steps : leave. But how ? Considering his behavior, I think safety before all. Involve friends and family , gray rock the scrote, leave quietly... anything to ensure that you keep having your own back.
Then : heal. But I'm sure you will have time to think of this. And you can take all the time you need.
You can do it !!
When a man like that shows you who he really is, believe him. Believe him and run.
I mean he's at least absolutely right about one thing he isn't ready to get married. Marrying him will absolutely ruin your life. I cannot stress this enough. Listen to your mother.
That’s a dump for me lol
There’s nothing wrong with living with your family especially at 25. I plan on living with mine until my early 30’s until I pay off school debt and be completely debt free.
It sounds like he wants the 50/50 forever girlfriend bangmaid package. If you go along with this, I guarantee you that he’s not going to marry you at all or atleast for a long time. He’s already gotten most of your youth. Your 20’s is a time of fun, and learning. You have your whole life to stay home and be a wife. Go out and see what the world has to offer at your own pace.
Please leave him! If you marry him you will spend the rest of your life wasting time as his mommy bang maid trad wife that he apparently wants, and you will be miserable. And as someone who is divorced, it’s much easier to leave your fiancé than your husband!
Never try to find a way to run into a burning building to rescue a scrote, as opposed to listening to your own good instincts and running AWAY to save yourself. This man is garbage. He is not worth the mental energy, and likely never was. You need to work on prioritizing your own self-esteem and dignity, and put this loser firmly in the past. YOU are worthy of your own hard work. He is not. We never beg or communicate with a man who is clearly showing us he does not want us, and is nowhere worthy of us. Also, "love expenses" (cringe!) are not to be figured into a man's part of the household budget. A worthy and good man will take pleasure in treating his woman, and gladly, from his own pocket.
His mask hath slipped. Move out as soon as you can, stay with a friend in the interim and have them present with you as you move out
Your mom sounds amazing. Please go back home.