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FDS red flag list?

I realize this post has been made a lot, but any thoughts on creating a standardized list of red flags akin to the Handbook via a Google Document or something similar?

Maybe we should have a system to add or remove from it to keep it a relevant document.

I'm also interested in a list of red flags in male and female friends, respectively. What do you all think?

16 answers0 replies

Comments (16)

PlainSimpleTailor

Apr 13, 2023

The point is to figure out your own dealbreakers and learn to walk away when your gut says something's wrong. Common red flags for abusers have already been collected numerous times, they boil down to negging, triangulation and not honoring boundaries. I actually think hypervigilance with regards to red flags is an unhealthy goal. We're not supposed to get so lost in detail to the point that we're looking for red flags everywhere. The more important skill is to really listen to your intuition when you feel disrespected, neglected or invalidated. LVM are not brilliant conmen, they thrive on our tendency to give the benefit of the doubt. When you work on that, red flags will be glaringly obvious.

PumpkinNighthag

Apr 16, 2023

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Replying to

You're not wrong, but the things is that when you're young, or have been trauamatised already, you won't have strong connection with your intuition and you may get hurt before you make that connection. Developing good relationship with your intuition takes time so I think making a practical list of red flags is good as a start of your journey. Then you can rely mostly on your intuition, sure.

Sometimes I still find here on FDS examples of red flags I completely missed or didin't even hear of. That's how subtle they can be. We also live in the age of information and internet, and lvm and nvm can easily read about those red flags and narcissism in order to not appear this way. Red flags can even look like green flags. I've met a narcissist who knew narcissism lingo.

Your intution definitely should be the foundation of spotting red flags, but also practical information can literally save you from so much trauma.

PlainSimpleTailor

Apr 16, 2023

Replying to

I'm not against practical information, and I believe there's lots of it on FDS, it's not called "strategy" for nothing. I just don't think the essence of this can be captured in a list. ETA: also I've seen how women who haven't done their inner work yet rebel against and debate these red flag lists anyway. There is no shortcut. The best practical information on abuse imo is Lundy Bancroft's book, and reading that for the first time is very hard. And it's supposed to be.

Unknown member

Jul 29, 2023

Replying to

I actually wholeheartedly agree with this and it changed my perspective. Thank you!

Unknown member

Apr 13, 2023

Any form of disrespect/Cowardice/ people pleaser/rules for thee but not for me mentality/tardiness/ laziness/messy/unhygienic/addictions/mental illness is a red flag.

A man is either with you or against you. There is no third option. he either acts like a functional adult or he needs to piss off.

He’s a partner for you or he can be a burden for his mommy.

you will not put up with his crap.

Baby_Royalty

Apr 14, 2023

This might be a good idea to have for women and girls on the spectrum or who come from neglect and isolation

Unknown member

Jul 29, 2023

Replying to

This is what I thought too. Thank you!

SereneQueen

Apr 13, 2023

This is a nice start: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/owcshp/markers_of_abuse/

so.pretty.he.lied

Apr 16, 2023

There needs to be a universal absolute NO list. This is not about preference but helping women who are naive and genuinely don’t know.

PlainSimpleTailor

Apr 16, 2023

Replying to

Women who are absolutely naive have some other work to do before they get any use out of a list. Because they will not understand WHY those things are bad, or how to look out for them. Elaborating on that is what the handbook and all discussion here does. This idea that all valuable and transformative information can be put into an easy to digest format is well intentioned, but misguided. The majority of the work happens on the inside. If you want a generic red flag list though, there are already dozens out there. What sets FDS apart is putting them into context.

Jan

Apr 16, 2023

The biggest lesson I've learned from FDS is that the only green flag is good behaviour over time. A lot of the time, displaying other standard "green flags" still doesn't mean we can stop vetting. What do I mean? Here's an example:

Say a guy pays for a date. Great! We know the alternative would be an instant block, but that doesn't mean the fact they paid means they feel the same way about offsetting women's labour/the pay gap that we do. A lot of men who pay think that buys them access to women's bodies, and in that way are just as harmful and transactional as the 50/50 LVM we stay away from.

You get what I mean? It's not as simple as green vs. red flags 😊

hush

Apr 15, 2023

https://www.chumplady.com/2023/04/what-were-the-red-flags-you-overlooked/

The many comments to this Chump Lady post on red flags cheated on people ("chumps") missed in early dating is so good.

Sallyseashells

Apr 16, 2023

He likes Barstool or is a Kobe Bryant fan.

PumpkinNighthag

Apr 16, 2023

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I think it's a great idea! I will gladly make on with you OP.

Unknown member

Jul 29, 2023

Replying to

Hi, are you still willing to do this? I'd be happy to help you.

FDS red flag list?

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