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I just started dating someone and, as someone who rarely dates long enough to invite the person over, I'm already feeling that bit of anxiety over potentially losing my independence. I see how other couples operate, keeping nothing from each other, including things told to them in confidence by their friends and family when the issue has nothing to do with the SO (in fairness, the paired person usually states this upfront before anything sensitive is disclosed, but still, why does it have to be that way?). They share passcodes. It's like everything is just out there.
I have lived alone for years and while I like this guy, I struggle with anyone being all up in my business. Maybe I'm being too touchy but like while I would never keep secret something that could hurt my partner (ie cheating, mismanagement of funds, etc), for example, I have a silly hobby that is mine and mine alone, it doesn't involve anyone else, it is not smarmy or illegal, no one knows about it. I want to keep it that way. But it seems like there is this expectation to like tell all in relationships.
Does anyone here keep things to themselves from their partner such as the above examples of private convos with friends/family? Or just something they like to do in their free time that has zero impact on their partner but just you might worry about how they would interpret it, or you just enjoy having something to yourself that not a soul knows about (which is why I would not allow access to my phone due to discovery)? I don't know what the expectations of privacy are, if I should just not get involved with someone too seriously.
this is where i get angry. i feel like you deserve to have your “silly” hobby (which is probably amazing) stay private…but if you get deeper into this relationship, i can imagine it blowing up into something much bigger, and all for nothing.
and i’m sure we can all agree: men’s secrets are usually 110% worse (porn addictions, money mismanagement, drugs, gambling, they enjoy wearing diapers, etc.).
i am a private person too, which is why i will never again live with a man i am dating to or married to. apart but together for me ALL THE WAY.
Most men give zero fucks about actually learning anything about you as a person so don't worry
Couples that share everything are codependent and it’s not healthy.
I like to travel alone. I can be a devoted partner but I need to periodically just be alone and away from everything. My ex-husband never had an issue and actively supported it. My ex-boyfriend thought it was an attractive trait when we were first dating but once we were in a committed relationship thought it was something I should give up and accused me of cheating when I went away. It was helpful that I’d had a non-possessive partner previously as he almost had me questioning why I wanted my alone and away time.
We can have relationships on whatever terms we desire. Even if every other relationship ever does something and you don’t want to then you don’t have to. The right person for you won’t require you to share every part of you and no doubt that space will be what makes you want to share.
I relate to this in several ways. I had been single for so long when I finally met my boyfriend, and it was a huge adjustment to have his presence shape my schedule, and eventually have him in my home, and then sleeping in my bed, meeting my friends and family, etc. It’s uncomfortable letting someone into your life!
A man should never push you for intimacy or to invade your privacy. But it does require a gradual mindset shift to build healthy loving intimacy. This should take place over *many months and years*.
That said, I do think it’s healthy and ideal to have things that are just for you, or between you and a family member or friend. Similar to not trauma dumping, women need to protect their personal information in many regards. I purposely do not tell my boyfriend absolutely everything. Yet as you say, these are not “secrets” that he would be entitled to know or that hurt him. It is private info that doesn’t concern him. I think your private hobby completely falls within this.
So in summary, I think partly as your heart opens, you become more comfortable sharing your personal self, yet it’s never a full enmeshment and as women we should always maintain some individual privacy.
You don't have to tell them everything right from the get go! Dating is just the initial part of building up a romantic relationship, so this is when you are checking out how much you can trust him. You don't need to dive in headfirst! Start with something small that doesn't actually matter to you, a guilty pleasure that you don't feel any guilt over. I dunno, enjoying children's movies? See how he reacts to that: if he uses it in a way that makes you feel bad then he loses trust. If he is accepting of the non-guilty pleasure, then you can try something a little bigger.
But it doesn't matter what other people are doing, what do they have to do with your life??
Once you've built up enough trust over time with a partner, you may find you want to tell him. If not, I would suggest being honest about having a secret. You simply tell him exactly what you've told us: you have a hobby that harms no one, but you like to keep it to yourself. How he reacts is important.
It's not at all necessary to tell your partner everything about yourself. I like having secrets. Completely inconsequential secrets, like going to a concert by myself on a Saturday afternoon and not telling my boyfriend, or more serious secrets, anything. I think it's because i grew up with a bunch of siblings and basically no privacy (I'm not complaining, it was fine, it's just how it was) that I developed a habit of keeping some things all to myself just for the sake of it.
I'm unfamiliar with the expectation that I should be sharing absolutely everything with my bf. That's weird and I dont like it. We're two different people with two different lives, and I dont owe him complete transparency.
It’s ok to keep things private. I used to over share with guys because I thought it created intimacy. now I think things will come up naturally as the relationship progresses. So keep what you want to yourself. You don’t have to tell him anything. I think it’s smart to have his passcodes if you want them but he shouldn’t have yours.
I’ve been single off and on for a long time. Nothing long term in years , I’ve also lived alone for years. It’s hard to learn to have someone in your space. Maybe one day it will change , but I rarely have my bf over to my place, we only go to his. I just like having my own space.
A good guy will understand your need for independence and space.
I haven’t yet read through the comments, but speaking from experience: several years ago after having been divorced for two years, I started dating. I had this horrible feeling about opening up my home, my life. I wish I would have listened to that horrible feeling.
That was my instinct telling me this guy was bad for me, for whatever reason. And it was right. I realized (after ignoring that horrible feeling) several months later that I had allowed a repulsive hobosexual into my life.
I have been happily single ever since…and of course, I blocked and deleted and subsequently found FDS.
Please don’t ignore your instinct. It could be as simple as you are not ready to move forward.
You just started dating him. You only like him, not even love him, but even if you loved him it wouldn't change this answer. There is no reason for him to be anywhere around you that you don't want him to be. If you're feeling anxious for any reason, especially about losing your independence, call it off. He's not worth it.
Honestly I tell my fiance things friends confide in me with their permission because sometimes you just want to tell someone because it feels like a lot of pressure to keep it to yourself and I know my fiance won't ever repeat what I say. I would never dream of telling anyone else though. I don't know maybe I just have a hard time keeping a secret. We don't have passcodes though and I'd never let him read my private messages with friends nor would I want to read his