ending no contact?

Jesus…I could have written this post. I have an ex that I grew up with & I can’t tell you how many times I have been seconds from calling him again. To answer your question-typically, the person who wanted no contact would have to be the person to reestablish contact. But should you? Absolutely not. You are putting yourself in a position to be hurt, he will have the upper hand & odds are, he hasn’t actually changed, but he’ll have a great facade for just long enough to trap you again.

Girl, write all the letters you need to. Then put them in a drawer. He lost the privilege of knowing you the second he mistreated you.

If abuse is ever bad enough that you initiate no contact, you should NEVER break no contact. I understand that as time goes on you start to miss the good things about the person and the abuse seems “not so bad.” People like this don’t change though. He would be fantastic to you at first and then would start to fall back into his old ways the minute he knows he’s got you bonded to him again.

It sounds like you are in a great place in your life right now. Please don’t risk losing that. Being in any sort of abusive relationship, even just a friendship, will completely turn your life upside-down.

I know you miss your childhood friend. But this beloved friend of yours abused you when he got you into a vulnerable enough position. You cannot get that beloved childhood friend of yours back because ONE of these statements is true:

1. The friend you thought you had never existed in the first place. He had the endurance for a decades long facade until he got you in a vulnerable place where he could hurt you.

2. The friend you had might have been a genuinely good guy. BUT now, that 'great friend' has memories on how easy and good it felt to hurt you, and has been irrevocably changed by that experience. He's unlikely to admit to himself how fun and satisfying it was to make you feel small, but that nasty new habit is definitely still there, just waiting to burst out again at the first solid opportunity.

Respectfully, you're making excuses.

OJ Simpson could be very nice to Nicole Brown when he wasn't abusing her, up until the end when he killed her. His periods of "niceness" don't make up for his violence.

By your own admission, this man abused you so badly that you were depressed and had to flee and cut him off. By your own admission, your life has skyrocketed in every way since you got rid of him. How does that not tell you this man was poison and dead weight?

Abusers don't change. Those who do are so rare that you might as well buy a lottery ticket. Are you literally willing to bet your life on winning the lottery? Not hyperbole. Three women are murdered every day by their partners. I'm sure all of them thought, "He'd never go that far."

You need to treat this guy as if he died, because in a way he did. The man you thought he was didn't exist. Deal with your grief over that by talking to friends or a therapist. But don't think for one moment that you'll find closure by letting the wolf back in the door. He'll hurt you again, and now you have more to lose.

When people betray you in such a terrible way, they've just told you, "Fuck you, I don't give a shit about you", regardless of any nice things they tell you afterward or promises they make to do better. The latter is just manipulation.

Please be loyal to yourself first. Think of 21 year old you, leaving the abuse. Don’t betray her, don’t let her down.

The best advice I've ever heard is that sometimes you have to love people from a distance to protect yourself. You can have fond feelings for him, they're not invalid, but knowing his past combined with the fact that your life is too good now to risk it being ruined by a scrote, is enough to stay away. There's nothing to be gained here. Cherish your memories for what they are but leave him be.

My story is similar to this, except that I left him within 10 months and he stalked me for about a year before the pandemic became severe and he had to stop.

I totally understand the pain of losing someone you've known for 10-12 years since childhood. It leaves a bigger hole compared to just a regular ex. Your memories starting from childhood need to be forgotten or dealt with.

No matter how empty that feeling leaves you, it is not worth it to break NC with a human who hurt you so deeply like that. He will do it again. He has his parents support as well.

And your feelings from past might return to confuse you and make you miss the "good times" as well. Just avoid all of that and continue cruising in life the way you have been till now.

All the best.

Resist the urge, precisely because you have it.

If you start talking again with this person, you will go down. You will lose your confidence. You will get distracted and anxious.

He will use the (completely normal) love you have for him to manipulate you into putting up with things that hurt you.

He will make you feel like he has never forgotten you and he made a mistake in treating you bad. He will apologize profusely, and because you love him, you will give him another chance. He will abuse you again, but this time harder.

He will use the childhood friends card to make you tolerate abusive or erratic behavior.

He will keep you confused on the status of your relationship, labelling it "friendship" or "more than a friendship" depending on his agenda.

You're not thinking straight.

FRIENDS don't abuse you.

If he did abuse you (and I believe you), he can't qualify as a friend.

Grieve the relationship, you haven't yet.

Please don't break no contact. It's highly unlikely that this man has changed. In fact it's been my experience that abusive men usually only become more manipulative and better at abusing people as they get older. I appreciate that there were good times. Very few relationships are all bad. Even abusive relationships will have some good times but that doesn't negate the abuse. Think about why you went no contact. Think about your mental health and your safety.

Also on a side note, have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? It's all about the different types of abusive men and why abusive relationships are so hard to leave. It's might be worth a read if you haven't already.

you do you, boo

and also DON'T DO IT.

you can love someone and not be with them.

when i moved back to my home town, it was because shit hit the fan and i had to regroup. he is likely not doing well. keep leveling up.

Honey no. Your peace is not worth it, invest in new friends and live your life. Ask yourself what gap in your life you think he can forfill in your fantasy of reconnecting? Write in your diary and answer what feelings you hope to get reconnecting (safety? belonging? being needed?). He knows the old you, but not the adult you who is setting boundaries and having a really nice lif. You are at high risk of falling into your old patterns of excusing and minimizing his behaviour. You are 24 and your brain is not fully developed, so you are at a higher risk of being abused again and not setting boundaries. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt!

If you should go against all of FDS advice, then you should only do it if he answers three question

1. does he take accountability for the abusing behaviour (does he regognize it or does he excuse and minimize it - not taking accountability)

2. Has he gone to therapy for his abusive behaviour (and let me remind you Jonah Hill did therapy and weaponized it).

3. How can you know, that he will not abuse you again?

If you can not ask him this because you are afraid of the outcome, then you know the answer. You should ask him over text, so you have the proof of him being abusive.

No … just no. Don’t go back to your old self with this abusive scrote stuck in an unhappy relationship. You don’t need his friendship as it wasn’t genuine to begin with. Do not and I mean do not lower your standards at all. You can love someone and let them go. It’s ok.

Love yourself first.

My post on zombie relationships might help you:

https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com//forum/dating-relationships/new-fear-unlocked-zombie-relationships

Something else to keep in mind - if it's been three years, he's probably changed in ways that may make a rekindling a friendship hard anyway, even if he "changed" for the better (though unlikely).

I could have written this post myself, minus the moving together. Went no contact, but I failed at it after 2 years. Tried to reconnect, but the history between us was so deep, and so much had happened in that time that abuse aside, it wasn't possible to return to a friendship anyway.

I had grown up and thrived in my life during our time apart, and he.....just didn't. This made trying to reconnect even harder since we weren't in the same place in our lives anymore, just like it would be difficult with any friend, much less one that we dated and shared an intimate history with.

The friend from your childhood is gone, sis, and that's OK! That leaves room in your life now for people who are better for you.

No. He was abusive towards you. He's back home because he's moving back in with his parents. Trust me this isn't some big sign from the universe that y'all are supposed to be together.

He was ABUSIVE to you. After knowing you so long, especially having a childhood friendship and being with you during all of college and then moving together .... and he still ABUSED you.

In the post it's clear that you're lonely. It's okay and normal to miss connection and companionship in a friendship sense. I buried my best friend a few months ago - and one of the biggest steps is simply acknowledging the hole left and how lonely you are and missing them. You need to tell yourself you miss who he WAS back then (he changed over time) but also need to understand who he WAS is gone. He will not go back to that. It's okay to miss the old him, and to mourn that.

You're vulnerable especially with life changes and missing people. Being single for a while especially because you've been single as you've leveled up also creates a loneliness and you'll crave a genuine, loving connection with someone. Again, acknowledge this.

There can also be like a Stockholm syndrome like thing going on as he was abusive to you before. Maybe some trauma bonding and codepencey - and that can be easy to fall back into. Abusers are often well liked community pillars (notice how his mom was still so friendly and seemed completely unaware of what happened, wouldn't br surprised her chat was her hoping to see someone marry her son). Abusers are often super smooth and sweet talking. That's why breaking a cycle of abuse or leaving one is so hard. That's why no contact is hard to initiate and maintain.

These are all reasons as to why your guard needs to be kept up and stronger than ever. These are all good things to discuss with your therapist if you're still seeing one.

You need to set down your boundaries if you see his parents again. "No." Tell them that, "no I don't want to see your son again. Please do not be mentioning me." Don't disclose where you live, what you're doing, etc.

Your Safety: the silver lining is you know he's coming back around soon. You better believe he will "run into" you purposely and soon, men get desperate and he will try to shoot his shot. Your safety here is of utmost importance. Keep eyes open, let friends know, etc etc. The man is abusive and unpredictable.

If you were thirsty and there was plenty of poison ready to drink, would you drink it? You know it's poison. Same thing with this dude. You've come so far and should be proud of everything you've accomplished- so don't compromise it and endanger yourself for him.

I agree with what everyone else here is posting. When he became an abuser, he lost the right to be your friend. Would you remain friends with a man who you found out abused his partner? I know that I would not.