Sage advice. This applies to 21-plus women as well.
Unknown member
Feb 02, 2023
Yea, you're not missing out. And even if you wait til you're done w all your school and begin dating in your mid-pate 20s- literally no one cares. No one at my highschool reunion cared.
The few people I've met along the way (who did care), we're very toxic and hypersexual bc of low self esteem- I would rather be one of my shoes than be like them a few years out from knowing them. You aren't missing out.
I know people who married happily in their 30s. If you want kids, 30s is not too late to marry at all. No rush, I promise. Guys are not going anywhere lol
Do men your age even know what it means to date? Trust me when I say I had a stupid amount of random hookups and situationships from the time I was 16 and got burned by all of them. Focus on your education and career development is the most important thing for you right now.
Don’t date and don’t have sex! That’s my best advice. As other commenters said, you’re not missing out on anything. Focus on you, making female friends, and leveling up your education and career
I'm 20 and I'll say this: don't let any guy convince you into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. Ever. Even if it's not a big deal or he's acting like it's not a big deal. Men are not afraid to say no, you don't need to be either (as long as you feel safe and can safely remove yourself from a situation).
Don't do anything you think you might regret later (this goes back to the first point). If you know you don't want to get intimate with a guy, stay meeting him in public.
If you want to have sex, do lots of research to make sure you will feel safe. Track your period cycle with an app and try not to have sex on your fertile days, and use condoms that are not expired lol.
Me personally I used to be sexually active with boyfriends, but it made me so depressed, suicidal even, and I just felt used since they could leave me whenever they wanted. I am now waiting until marriage to have sex again because the emotional pain afterwards, hormonal attachment to these no good dudes, and anxiety and risk of STDs and pregnancy? just not worth it for me.
Whatever you do, don't get pregnant before you're ready to start a family. Life is easier without an unplanned pregnancy
tldr: Read the handbook for specifics on vetting, but other stuff...
Prioritize your education and career development. NEVER sacrifice your future for a boyfriend.
Prioritize your friendships with women, and keep high standards for them too. Don't tolerate bad behavior. Seek out girlfriends who have good character and have their shit together.
Don't bother with close male friends, they're a waste of time. They'll hit on you, assault you, won't reciprocate the way your girlfriends will, or will disappear when they find a girlfriend.
Invest in sex toys and learn what you like. Learn how to enjoy sex and give yourself pleasure without a man.
If and when you start sleeping with men, rules of thumb: A man has to pass every step to get closer to you. If he doesn't ask you out properly and plan dates, he's out. If he's not consistently courting you, he's out. If you don't like how he kisses, he's out. If you don't like how he makes out, next him. You control every step of the intimacy, and he has to prove himself before you get to penetration. If he throws a hissy fit over any point of this, get rid of him.
Never ever ever make excuses or try to rationalize a man's behavior. Trust your feelings. If at any point you're confused, if you feel disrespected, if something just feels "off", that's your inner guidance telling you this guy ain't it. A good guy will make you feel secure. A terrible one will leave you feeling confused or crazy.
But seriously, prioritize YOURSELF at this age: your education, your development, your friendships, your hobbies. Never prioritize men. Only allow men to court you if they've got their shit straight.
Do not listen to anything a man says. They will legitimately say anything to get into your pants while appearing very innocent. Most guys under 21 are fuckboys who will say whatever it takes to get laid then talk about these strategies to the boys when girls are not around telling each other what worked. Actually, most guys in their 20s are fuckboys too, who do not really like women or desire a relationship with them.
Don't say yes to coffee dates it is the default date idea for fuckboys and low value males. Don't agree to walk dates either. When I was your age, and I read this I would think the person is exaggerating or it's in reality only a small proportion of guys who are like this. It is not, it is the majority of them! So focus on yourself, do not rush to lose your virginity or be ashamed if you still have it in your 20s because rushing can lead to situations or sexual affairs that will be a deep regret.
Any excessive flattery from guys is a strategy they use to get laid, they are empty objectifying "compliments".
If a guy does not use condoms during sex show him the door. Unprotected sex if you didn't know can severely affect women's health in particular. It can cause cervical cancer, pelvic disease if the STD goes undetected, urinary tract infections and the more obvious STDs such as warts. The most common STDs are "silent" and you will not have symptoms. A guy that does not have sex responsibly by using condoms is a piece of sh*t. Condoms are not uncomfortable as they say, they aren't allergic to them, they aren't too small, they make excuses like this because all they care about is the sex feeling good as possible for 5 seconds and this matters to them more than your long term health. Think about what that says about these men. It is extremely common for guys to refuse condoms.
Spend lots of time getting to know a guy before you sleep with him, or even start dating him, use the vetting tips that FDS offers.
On the other hand, beware of narcissists too. Look up love bombing, familiars yourself with it. A number one sign of an abuser is how they talk about their ex - is everything her fault, do they speak poorly of her, is there bitterness and resentment?
I am just telling you what I wish 21 yo me knew. At 21, I had a guy sleep with me without my consent, lost my virginity this way, then a few months later met my to-be abusive boyfriend.
This is why people in the comments are saying to not be in a rush, ignore men, and that you are not missing out on anything. Ideally form female friendships (not with pick mes though) because if you do not have them you may get lonely and seek male validation to fill the gap.
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Yea, you're not missing out. And even if you wait til you're done w all your school and begin dating in your mid-pate 20s- literally no one cares. No one at my highschool reunion cared.
The few people I've met along the way (who did care), we're very toxic and hypersexual bc of low self esteem- I would rather be one of my shoes than be like them a few years out from knowing them. You aren't missing out.
Do men your age even know what it means to date? Trust me when I say I had a stupid amount of random hookups and situationships from the time I was 16 and got burned by all of them. Focus on your education and career development is the most important thing for you right now.
Don’t date and don’t have sex! That’s my best advice. As other commenters said, you’re not missing out on anything. Focus on you, making female friends, and leveling up your education and career
I'm 20 and I'll say this: don't let any guy convince you into doing something you feel uncomfortable with. Ever. Even if it's not a big deal or he's acting like it's not a big deal. Men are not afraid to say no, you don't need to be either (as long as you feel safe and can safely remove yourself from a situation).
Don't do anything you think you might regret later (this goes back to the first point). If you know you don't want to get intimate with a guy, stay meeting him in public.
If you want to have sex, do lots of research to make sure you will feel safe. Track your period cycle with an app and try not to have sex on your fertile days, and use condoms that are not expired lol.
Me personally I used to be sexually active with boyfriends, but it made me so depressed, suicidal even, and I just felt used since they could leave me whenever they wanted. I am now waiting until marriage to have sex again because the emotional pain afterwards, hormonal attachment to these no good dudes, and anxiety and risk of STDs and pregnancy? just not worth it for me.
Whatever you do, don't get pregnant before you're ready to start a family. Life is easier without an unplanned pregnancy
Make sure he at least can make you cum. Too many men are selfish in bed and sex benefits them more than us when they’re that way. Vet carefully
tldr: Read the handbook for specifics on vetting, but other stuff...
Prioritize your education and career development. NEVER sacrifice your future for a boyfriend.
Prioritize your friendships with women, and keep high standards for them too. Don't tolerate bad behavior. Seek out girlfriends who have good character and have their shit together.
Don't bother with close male friends, they're a waste of time. They'll hit on you, assault you, won't reciprocate the way your girlfriends will, or will disappear when they find a girlfriend.
Invest in sex toys and learn what you like. Learn how to enjoy sex and give yourself pleasure without a man.
If and when you start sleeping with men, rules of thumb: A man has to pass every step to get closer to you. If he doesn't ask you out properly and plan dates, he's out. If he's not consistently courting you, he's out. If you don't like how he kisses, he's out. If you don't like how he makes out, next him. You control every step of the intimacy, and he has to prove himself before you get to penetration. If he throws a hissy fit over any point of this, get rid of him.
Never ever ever make excuses or try to rationalize a man's behavior. Trust your feelings. If at any point you're confused, if you feel disrespected, if something just feels "off", that's your inner guidance telling you this guy ain't it. A good guy will make you feel secure. A terrible one will leave you feeling confused or crazy.
But seriously, prioritize YOURSELF at this age: your education, your development, your friendships, your hobbies. Never prioritize men. Only allow men to court you if they've got their shit straight.
Do not listen to anything a man says. They will legitimately say anything to get into your pants while appearing very innocent. Most guys under 21 are fuckboys who will say whatever it takes to get laid then talk about these strategies to the boys when girls are not around telling each other what worked. Actually, most guys in their 20s are fuckboys too, who do not really like women or desire a relationship with them.
Don't say yes to coffee dates it is the default date idea for fuckboys and low value males. Don't agree to walk dates either. When I was your age, and I read this I would think the person is exaggerating or it's in reality only a small proportion of guys who are like this. It is not, it is the majority of them! So focus on yourself, do not rush to lose your virginity or be ashamed if you still have it in your 20s because rushing can lead to situations or sexual affairs that will be a deep regret.
Any excessive flattery from guys is a strategy they use to get laid, they are empty objectifying "compliments".
If a guy does not use condoms during sex show him the door. Unprotected sex if you didn't know can severely affect women's health in particular. It can cause cervical cancer, pelvic disease if the STD goes undetected, urinary tract infections and the more obvious STDs such as warts. The most common STDs are "silent" and you will not have symptoms. A guy that does not have sex responsibly by using condoms is a piece of sh*t. Condoms are not uncomfortable as they say, they aren't allergic to them, they aren't too small, they make excuses like this because all they care about is the sex feeling good as possible for 5 seconds and this matters to them more than your long term health. Think about what that says about these men. It is extremely common for guys to refuse condoms.
Spend lots of time getting to know a guy before you sleep with him, or even start dating him, use the vetting tips that FDS offers.
On the other hand, beware of narcissists too. Look up love bombing, familiars yourself with it. A number one sign of an abuser is how they talk about their ex - is everything her fault, do they speak poorly of her, is there bitterness and resentment?
I am just telling you what I wish 21 yo me knew. At 21, I had a guy sleep with me without my consent, lost my virginity this way, then a few months later met my to-be abusive boyfriend.
This is why people in the comments are saying to not be in a rush, ignore men, and that you are not missing out on anything. Ideally form female friendships (not with pick mes though) because if you do not have them you may get lonely and seek male validation to fill the gap.