Do you give men second chances?

When he picks fights with you, it means he’s cheating. DUMP HIM.

I have never had a good outcome when I gave a man a second chance. I have only been left with regret ever time I have done that…

Honestly, I just left him, no matter how much it hurt me. I ended up choosing myself, because I too think men will go to the greatest extent of lying and hiding shit.

I think fighting a lot is a bad sign. Sometimes In relationships you’ll have disagreements but you should be able to solve those quick and it shouldn’t lead to fights all the time.

Back in my early 20s I lived with a bf and we used to go through periods where we’d argue Every. Single. Day. It’s exhausting but back then I was convinced it was just a rough patch and it would seem that way because eventually we would go through periods of time where we’d get along. Im telling you, it’s no way to live. I thought it was just normal back then. I Know better now.

I’d say if it’s something that you’re fighting about that is simple and can be solved you can try, but arguing and fighting all the time is exhausting and it’s clear you’re not getting along. Also it’s stressful and it will age you and give you wrinkles.

Cut your losses and break up with him. Also, I would not consider those HVM qualities. If he doesn't know how to cope with stress I would see that as a red flag.

Giving second chances is like giving them the green light that you will stay while he continues his no no activities (whatever they might be for you)

No second chances. Either he pulls up his socks or he gets dropped.

If his response to this is to start a fight/arguement, especially with statements which are indirect accusations towards you or some action of yours, then that becomes your confirmation to break up.

All the best.

Good men don't need second chances, they already do great on their first try. so no. I rate men's behavior with good, great and excellent. Good is the minimum and excellent is the maximum. Okay or average behavior is an instant block. Life is too short to deal with big children weed them out because they know what they are doing.

No

It depends what the fights are about and how you fight. Are there good external reasons for both of you being more irritated than usual? Who usually starts the fight? Is he making unfair accusations, invalidating your feelings etc? Has he shown signs of doing this before? (People who aren't great conflict solvers do show their colors early on) How did you find out that he smoked, was he forthcoming about it? Hiding stuff from one another isn't great. To be honest it seems like the mask is slipping, especially if you're confused about this behavior. But there's not enough context here to say for sure. ETA: let's please not confuse "gives me material things" with high value on this forum. Generousness and graciousness should also be displayed through other actions. Especially during fights.

No, especially with smoking and alcohol use- I'm very cut and dry about my expectations.

And I'm that way for myself- IDC one way or another if I'm being fair to him or not. I've had addicts in my family, I know I'm susceptible to substance abuse if I invite it in. So I don't, and I don't take kindly to people who sneak it into my life. Your partner affects your habits, your closest 5 friends affect your habits, make sure they have good habits

Nope. The first time I dumped my (now) ex was because he did cocaine at a party after I begged him not too. Weeks later, he gaslighted me into thinking that I am the issue for not wanting to "work things out". I was weak so I took him back. You know what happened next? He started texting other girls (including attempting to text/talk to a FRIEND of mine- which is how I found about it).

And ironically, he was always the one grabbing my phone to check it and accusing ME of cheating (when I literally never did).

Cherry on top of the cake? The last time I saw him was when he ditched me at another party to do drugs and try to get with other girls, and he literally left me drunk and alone in the streets of downtown Toronto when I was begging him to come back home with me. This was over a year ago and he still tries to contact/call me from random numbers but I never ended up speaking to him again and also moved away (for school).

The fact that I took him back the first time showed him that he could act however he pleases and I would still be there. But that time he was dead wrong.

Nothing feels better than knowing I will never again be humiliated and/or made a fool of by a man.

Anyone who deserves a second chance wouldn't even need one.

If stress is his justification for the constant fights, break up. Life naturally has many stressful moments, it'll be like torture for you every time he gets stressed. And he’s probably not interested in proactively improving that aspect about himself. The fact that you're fighting (not just disagreeing or debating) already shows you are not compatible on communication styles and on personal values anyway.

In response to your post's title, the only time I’ve ever given second chances was for miscommunication, accidents, and emergencies. But if he actually fails to do something I consider basic respect for me, block and delete.

TLDR: your boyfriend sounds like a tool, his smoking will escalate, and fighting all the time is boring and stressful. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and is actively making you a priority and it sounds like he isn’t.

Cigarette smoking and addiction issues are a dealbreaker for me. Every cigarette smoker has a chance of backsliding into smoking again and it is a disgusting and expensive habit, health risks aside. I tolerate it in my friends, but would never date someone who smoked.

(My dad was a pothead, junkie and an alcoholic and I cannot abide people who are messy/angry drunks, or yucky off their faces. I have enough trauma from my father using drugs to last a lifetime.)

This doesn’t mean I’m teetotal or expect others to be- sensible dabbling is fine.

not anymore. best decision of my life.

Red flag 🚩

Was smoking a deal breaker for you? Or something that has never been brought up?