Do anger issues make a HVM low value?

This is enormously unsafe! Ask me how I know... I was "only" emotionally abused for years and it manifested in all sorts of physical ailments. It's literally unhealthy and trauma can even cause nervous system / brain damage. I'm not exaggerating. Don't go down this road, it's not worth it. Also, emotional abuse will likely turn physical over time, I'd never have thought my ex would hit me but he started getting physically aggressive (with objects) so there was definitely a noticeable escalation. A bit longer and he would have started hitting me. It might hurt to leave now but it will hurt so much more to be disrespected for years and having to break up then when you're only a shell of your former self.

It offen starts with yelling and escalates to physical assualt after some time. Please leave immediately.

That's how it started with my ex. Never thought he'd hit me but it escalated to him throwing things and then eventually him hitting me. We always think "I know him. I know this man, he had anger issues but he'd never hit any woman. He'd never hit me." You're projecting onto him. I promise you he will eventually hit you no matter how much you think he won't. You're a frog in cold water with the heat slowly getting turned up. You may not be in immediate danger now but you will be.

Whatever happens, don’t let him back in your life.

The cycle of abuse (hear me say this from experience) starts if you EVER let them back after cutting them off the first time. They take it as a free pass that you’ll accept it, and blame you for it.

You are strong and brave for doing this!

Really needed this! Mornings are the fucking worst and I feel like I’m dying. but just trying to stay strong

See he knows what he was doing was wrong. Sis HE KNOWS. And he's trying to gain pity from you when he is the one who abused you. Glad you blocked him. Proud of you.

He just yells. But that should be enough for me to get the picture and just leave.

They almost never start hitting you right away. Abuse ALWAYS escalates over time. There are no exceptions. I learned this the hard way and so have other women in my family. For example, my aunt's ex husband was "just" yelling at her for years but in the end he was threatening her with a fucking knife.

Yeah, Lundy Bancroft writes about this phenomenon. Angry and controlling people "collect" little grievances over time and then they seemingly explode over nothing, when they were actually nursing their grudges all along. It drives you crazy to be around people like this for extended periods of time.

My ex would get so heated if he heard anyone chew. This one time I was chewing ice from my strawberry milkshake in his car and I felt his anger immediately. I look to the side and he looked like he wanted to kill me.

Extreme behavioral differences from one moment to the other are a MAJOR red flag for abuse. It alerts your nervous system in a way we often confuse for excitement, passion and even love. He is NOT a dream man. Trust me. If someone can be so angry towards you but your thoughts about them are still along the lines of "but he's such a great person", you are already being manipulated.

Thank you ❤️ you’re right

This comment is key. It comes down to being able to know that love is love, and not all the other stuff. To be able to discern what love IS. But it can get confusing as hell with these "types". Been there.

"This man made it his mission to destroy everything he admired about me." I relate so much to this too. My previous relationship was like that. He even dared complaining to me how I wasn't the person he fell in love with anymore. Well, because he did everything in his power to dull my shine. I wasn't allowed to feel good about myself for a long time, because he would eventually find something over which to completely assassinate my character. I'm sorry you went through this, I know how it feels and how long it takes to recover. That's also why my biggest fear is running into this again.

I think men with personality disorders and more psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies are very good at masking their intentions for a very long time. They really know how to turn on the charm. Check out Dr Ramani's videos on how men who are too charming and perfect and know all the right things to say are the most unhinged ones. When you feel those explosive fireworks it's a red flag. I will try to find it and link it here, but there is a video and some articles that explain how feeling butterflies is your nervous system telling you to run from that person. Never date that guy who you feel a powerful magnetic, earth shattering pull towards. They're also very good at making people feel like the sun shines on them and then taking that away. They play the give and take game to keep you off balance. This caused you to get addicted to a person, you're always seeking those highs, it's a trauma bond. And it's hard to call them out because they are incredibly charming and good with words and know how to make you feel stupid with excuses such as they were busy with work etc.

Jfc i’m so sorry. Men are truly not worth it

If he truly wants you to be happy he will let you go, and maybe (though it's very unlikely), after years of him doing the work, there might be a chance for you again. But not like this.

Couldn't agree with you more on this!

This is probably the best advice honestly, I can’t be with him while he is so deeply damaged or hurt or traumatized or I don’t know what happened to him but he needs help. He’s living his dream playing music and touring the world so I know he won’t get the help he needs right now. So I have to choose myself first. It’s such a mindfuck because it’s 98% perfect, but the 2% of times when he yells at me or calls me a POS is enough for me to know he doesn’t deserve anything from me. Not a reply, not a phone call, nothing.

I'm so sorry you feel this way! It's probably only happened two times because you are long distance. If you didn't end it it would keep happening. You did the right thing.

Believe me, it will happen more often, especially if he stops going to therapy at some point and becomes complacent. I know it sucks, but you're better off without him.

This is the fine line that I’m walking right now. He’s not an inherently abusive person, he’s an angry person who has been verbally abusive twice now while he is in one of his “rage episodes“. My dumb ass just keeps thinking he can change if he puts in the work. But I still haven’t contacted him