Divorced men in the dating pool. To date or not to date?

Why would you want to date another woman's leftovers?

There was very likely a very good reason why she divorced him, especially if they have children together. Women don't divorce decent, HV men just like that and if he wanted the divorce despite having children together he's a deadbeat who abandoned his family.

What makes you think those men suddenly became better people and the reason their exes divorced them aren't still valid?

Yup, my experience with them has been exactly as you described. They use coparenting (which they are shitty at) as a lame excuse to still be emotionally and romantically tethered to the ex. And they hide behind the idea that they love their kids when actually they of course basically hate their kids.

And basically they are desperately waiting with baited breath for you to ask him to please stop treating you shitty, so he can yell "MuH KiDs CoME FirST!" and indignantly paint you as some wicked stepmother.

Basically they'll use the kids as a fake excuse to treat you bad and then yell at you when you call them on it. They weaponize the kids.

It sounds like you’re talking about single dad’s. Being a step mother has to be the worst category of woman to belong in. AVOID at all costs. Stepmother’s are the unhappiest female demographic. Save yourself the trouble, especially if you don’t have kids of your own.

You hit the nail on the head with “triangulation.” I had this exact experience. Most men aren’t even emotionally mature enough to handle dating one woman, let alone handle having an ex-wife, kids, and a new girlfriend. I would avoid trying to date these men.

Unless the divorced man has been to therapy and done significant work on themselves, I would avoid them like the plague. Otherwise, you will be dealing with an emotionally broken man who takes you down with him (ask me how I know how!).

If you do go down this path, I would pay very close attention to how he speaks about his ex-wife. If it's with anger, hurt, criticism or vitriole, I would leave in an instant. He is still not over her and resents her for leaving. If they have children, also take note if he is paying child support regularly and upholding his responsibilities for actively parenting them. He should still be a decent and involved parent even if the relationship with his ex-wife didn't work out.

I would also pay attention to the role he wants you to play in his life. Make sure he is choosing you for you and not just as a replacement wife and mother.

Divorced guys are often divorced for a reason. A good reason. I'd stay away from em. And baby daddies. They all lack the foundations that make good long-term partnerships.

It's either he is really not that great that even a woman with his children decided to divorce him or she is really not that great and now she's in your life for at least until the kids are grown. It's a lose-lose situation.

Divorced HVMs are rare.

I have met a few who were married to truly bats women or there was a big ideological difference (e.g. one party decided they wanted children, the other didn't)

But as I said, rare. So vet damn hard and keep your options WAY open.

And make sure they are actually divorced, not just cheating.

"I'm going to need to actually see the divorce papers, and have a chat with your ex wife"

Mine begged me back right before finding a new chick who acts and looks like me, after a history of cheating.

Play stupid games...

That's like opening your dating pool up to abusers, just to get quantity over quality.

Surprised this post is here.

My ex was too hip to bash his ex wife and they coparented easily. However, after a while I saw he was doing it to make himself look good and it looked as if how he treated her was not that bad. After a few years I compared notes with her and turns out he lied to me about why they split and he was actually a horrible selfish husband to her. And selfishness , as I was discovering, was his number one trait. He hid it quite deftly until he locked me down.

No one is saying that you're forbidden to, but I'm not up for dealing with their ex-wife. It would be better if the ex-wife were deceased, but then I'd have to wonder if the woman actually died of natural causes.

If a woman has never been married and/ or has no children then said women should avoid divorced men for their own sake. There's a pile of issues you may have to screen that you don't deserve to be burdened with. Find someone unattached with minimal baggage. He may be fun & charming as ever but don't get involved. I want my daughters to follow this advice.

For a divorced woman dating divorced men is fine but they have to screen carefully. A divorced woman has more experience in this department and knows more of the warning signs. You mention the boundary issues with the ex. Chances are she sent him packing. Find out why, not from him. 1 in 10,000 of them might be worthy of dating.

I felt an uncommon surge of optimism when I wrote the above post. Forgive me.

I don't know why there is a hyperlink in my text bc I didn't add one.