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I need somewhere safe to vent because I have nowhere to vent. After escaping and going no contact with my abusive parents for several years, a LVM pressured me into getting back into contact with them and having been lonely for so long, I gave in and now I'm stuck and back in my birthplace/small city.
Father is a typical physically and emotionally abusive scrote who loves screaming at me and only does the bare minimum of providing for the family while my mom is on a whole other level of covert narcissism. i keep low contact w my father since he's at least paying for my school tuition but my mother is the one who I thought got better.
She's so good at pretending to be caring and loving to snake her way in. Especially when I'm down in one of my depressive episodes like today, she loves to tear me down in insidious ways by telling me pickme bullshit like I need to bring value to the table for men, she constantly compares to my cousin who's 3 days younger than me like she's done throughout my whole life, makes me feel dumb, won't acknowledge or apologize for the emotional abuse she's put me through including asking if my father has raped me or not without any concern and threatening to sue me when I called her out on her abusive behavior.
She goes on a constant smear campaign to all of my other relatives constantly calling me a drama queen and crazy for getting upset whenever she tells me I'm not as attractive as my cousin or not mature or adult enough even though I've been working my ass off and have been100% financially independent for years while my 24 yr old brother gets to be a bum, never having worked a day in his life and only taking 2 classes at a time in college.
There's so much more I can go on about but it's awful knowing i spent years building myself back up, going to therapy and repairing my confidence and boundaries only to have them torn down by my own mother. I sense that she gets jealous of me too and it's horrible. She makes me feel so horrible and small. I can't go no contact again bc I'm back in school and am now financially dependant on them to pay my tuition bc I don't want to risk being in debt. I do pay for all of my living expenses though
I'm not sure what to do besides grey rock. It's so hard bc I thought she was getting better but I can see that her apology and initial support for me was fake. I'm relieved they still live states away from me so I have that distance at least. I just really needed to vent bc I can't even trust anybody else in my family since my mother has turned most of them against me.
My plan is once I'm done with college in 3 years and I finally have a stable high paying job, I can finally truly be free. But what i can do in the meantime to cope with her?
Covert narcs are the absolute worst kinds of people. I have had some experience dealing with three (one was an ex) but none were as severe as your mother.
I don’t really have much advice to give on how to handle her, unfortunately, since the only real solution is to go NC, which you can’t do at the moment. I can give you some resources that helped me to at least understand why they are that way (no excuses but understanding still helps) and heal from the aftermath.
There’s a YouTube channel I really like called Looking Behind the Mirror. She’s not an expert; just a regular woman who has experienced narcissistic abuse and I really appreciate her perspective on a lot of things.
As much as I hate Reddit, there is a support group there I liked called r/NarcissisticAbuse. I haven’t been on there in a while though.
Mine was the ultimate pickme, I believe most mothers don't even deserve daughters, because nobody teaches you about self misogyny than them, " Cook and clean or no man would want you" "You need to marry so that you'll be in good hands"
Mothers coddle sons even if they are lazy but groom girls to be liked by men.
The only way to cope is not get under her radar, if you want to do something do it in private, If you are not allowed to do things because of men or other reason then nod your head pretend to be docile and do it anyway, arguing will only make it worse, just do it without a word.
Whoever tells you to forgive or go back to them needs to be blocked, they are enablers and enablers are the playground of a narcissist. Don't talk to her at all just ignore If she's not saying anything that suits you.
Parents can't take your rights, you are just bullied into handing it over to them as soon as you are out stay away from them.
"it's awful knowing i spent years building myself back up, going to therapy and repairing my confidence and boundaries only to have them torn down by my own mother." She will destroy you. I'm sorry, but I speak from experience - I could have written that quoted sentence myself.
Not having student debt will be useless to you if you don't have your own self and strength. You can pay debt off. There is always more money. Obviously don't do anything irresponsible, but really: find another way. ASAP.
Find other sources of funding. Either through loan/s, income, or a combination of both. Your future self will thank you. I rarely give such pointed advice like this on internet forums but I relate to this personally so much, and girl, you've got to have your own back. If someone would have said these things to my younger self (and I'd listened and acted accordingly) I would have saved so much damage.
Don't let her/them tear you down any further!!
I don't really have any advice but I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I hate to even think this, but there is a not-so-insignificant number of pickmes who get jealous of their daughters when their husband is raping them. In your case, thank God it never happened, but maybe she thinks you are lying when you say you weren't abused this way? 🤔 in these gross pickme's minds, their daughter is their sexual competition and she hates you for "taking her man away"
Get student loans and get out of there. Student loans suck, but not as much as other types of debt.