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Hi everyone, I'm dating a guy and in many ways he's great, but I go back and forth a lot and wonder if I'm being unreasonable or have internalized toxicity/unrealistic expectations that will lead me to end it with a potentially high value man?
He's great in many, many ways:
Very attractive (seriously the most attractive guy I've dated)
Very smart in ways that complement me
For his work, he wants to only do things that help people, and won't take jobs that are a negative social impact (e.g. not working at Meta).
He's motivated to move up in his job/area of career interest.
He makes an okay amount of money (think L5 @ google, just an example he doesn't work there).
Has meaningful, deep friendships.
Very kind, for example he always buys food for the unhoused at the local park, and whenever he sees someone like a homeless person or a woman being harassed he will, if it's safe, insert himself in front of the harasser and call them out until they leave.
Great at cooking. Always cooks for me (I don't know how to cook).
Just in general very helpful. Helps his friends move. Helps my roommates and I barbecue. Helps fix up stuff around the house. Helps repair my bike. Helps repair my friends' car. Etc. etc.
Clean and uses soap (crazy that I have to put this but the bar seems low).
Puts me first in his decision making.
One of his best traits is being able to "stop and smell the roses." We'll be walking along the concrete jungle, and he'll stop and say, "Isn't that sunset beautiful?" or "Aren't these flowers [weeds growing through the cracks] beautiful?" Sometimes I get caught up too much in my thoughts, and it's nice to stop and appreciate the world.
Good at sex. His only fetish is getting me off and he is the ONLY guy who's ever figured out how to do it.
Pays for outings, buys me gifts, if we move in together he doesn't mind paying all the rent etc. And if I want to buy a house he's willing to pay for the house.
Wants to get married whenever I'm ready.
There are some ways I'm really not sure:
Yes, he makes a decent living, but we live in a VERY HCOL location, and while he's happy to move up on the corporate ladder, I think his morals about where he works as well as disliking climbing the ladder for climbing's sake heavily limits his max earning potential. My friends are all dating rich guys, and it feels they have a buffer in this unfriendly capitalistic world. And I've only been in the corporate world a few years longer than him, and I make about double what he makes (although I don't plan on working at this job much longer because of burnout).
I live in a world where everyone is doing a startup, and I think guys who are able to work for themselves show agency, confidence, and purpose that is very attractive. And while volatile, I think it's one of the only ways to get very rich. So I feel like this trait is "missing" in him. I talked to him about this, and he says that he would be open to doing a startup, but only if he had a good idea. And he doesn't have any ideas. I think he just doesn't try to think of ideas, because he doesn't really want to do a startup. To be fair, there are a lot of extremely shitty or scammy startups, and I don't want him to just do any startup for the sake of it.
Sometimes I think he is too selfless and helps people too much without asking for pay or anything in return. Like he will give up his seat on the subway to random people who clearly don't need it any more than him, which I just don't think is necessary. He'll dogsit or catsit for his friends without asking for any pay even for extended periods. I think being too selfless will just get you walked over in life.
Just all in all the feeling of being a small cog in the world rather than being a part of something bigger. I've dated guys who had strong MISSIONS in their life and I felt like I was part of a greater movement by being with them. But right now this guy is happy to make a decent living and just living life.
You are right to worry about financial security, but I don't think I'd scrap an otherwise great guy just for his comparatively "lower" earning potential. Also, keep in mind that starting a business is VERY risky, and most startups fail. Sure, he could become rich, but he could also lose everything he worked for, and the process of creating a startup is very stressful and entails lots and lots of work. Are you sure you want to be with a man who would risk his future and not have any time for you just because he's "confident"? It's actually reasonable that he says he won't do it unless he has a good idea. I mean, it's your life and your standards, obviously. But nothing that you have outlined here is a red flag. It seems you have internalized some turbo-capitalist ideas about how we all have to be the greatest at something, achieve outstanding things, etc. I would consider it a good thing if someone is able to be content with what they have and doesn't strive for status above all else. I was with a very "mission driven" man once and I found it hellish. But to each their own.
IMO this isn't about whether this guy is high value or low value. IMO it's about whether you both have similar outlooks on life. If you like the nicer things in life, then this guy probably isn't the guy for you. This guy seems to feel that money isn't everything and that ethics are more important. That's fine if you have a similar outlook but if you don't, then your entire life with him will be a compromise and you'll probably end up resenting him eventually. I think the best thing you can do is sit down and REALLY think about what you want in life and where you want to be in 10 years time. Then ask yourself, are you likely to get there with this man by your side. If the answer is no, then he's not the man for you.
I'm also in a HCOL city. Personally, I am so sick of every damn scrote proclaiming to be an entrepreneur. So many men talk a big game but aren't actually playing. Your friends may have men with lucrative start-ups that are doing well. I would honestly take such claims with a grain of salt. So many men lie about this sort of thing and the women in their lives just naively believe them.
Case in point, I have a friend who is just stunning. She was very recently dating this guy. He told her what line of work he is in and she of course, believed him. Come to find out, he isn't even employed. Not that the scrote ever came clean about it tho. Men lie lie lie about everything.
You are allowed to have your preferences and that includes how much a potential partner is able to financially contribute.
If you don't want to be with someone who makes what he does, then drop him. Based upon what you shared, I think I'd have a hard time getting rid of someone like him.
Idk, he sounds like he's doing his own mission just fine. The other guys with STRONG MISSIONS are all full of shit. Frankly the only MISSION boils down to making money. If you have an actual mission you don't go around bloviating about it, you do little things without bragging. Although, he may be doing a lot of that nice stuff to try to impress you, but I can't necessarily identify the problem with that.
I get you live in a HCOL area but sheeesh I googled L5 at google salary and that’s A LOT like people like to claim I make good money but that’s at least 3x my salary.
How is L5 at google salary "okay money?"
Must be nice to think that anything more than six figure income is ok money 😭😭
I don't see any LV traits here. Having or trying to get more money that anyone would ever need does not make a man HV.
A Rich man doesn’t mean he is high value. They could be assholes cheating and lying to their gfs. But it seems like that’s not what you want in life so if you want a rich guy to be similar to your gfs, you need to know your standards. If he doesn’t meet them, let him go.
He sounds kind, sweet and very considerate.
From what you've written here, it sounds like he's a HV guy in general, but you two have different values. And that means he might not the right guy for you.
You value financial success, independence and entrepreneurialism. It sounds like he doesn't value those things as much as you do. He seems to value life outside of work more.
I'm gonna be honest... I would encourage you to consider your own values a bit. It sounds like you're living in a place of fear. Fear of scarcity, fear of being taken advantage of. You admit that you've worked so hard that you're making roughly half a million dollars a year, but you've worked yourself to burnout, and you're still afraid of not having "security" and "getting walked over in life." You sound very ambitious and hardworking, and those things are great. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a partner who is equally ambitious and hardworking. But I don't think that's what this is actually about.