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So, I accidentally roped myself into becoming a handywoman for my next door neighbor. She's elderly with a sickly husband, so I know she needs the help and I'm sure she gets lonely. But EVERY time I talk to her, she trauma dumps on me! Whether it's in person or on the phone, doesn't matter. I called yesterday, intending it to be a quick phone call, but she kept me on the line for an hour and twenty minutes talking about all the bad things that have happened in her life. She talks non-stop, completely dominates the conversation, and won't let me get a word in edgewise. I tried like 8 times to interrupt her and say "Look, I've got chores, I have to go..." but she was bascially holding me hostage in the conversation.
I'm due to go over there in about half an hour, and I am seriously dreading it! I want to set a boundary so she will stop talking at me like I'm her therapist, but I don't know how to word it without sounding rude. Any suggestions? Please help đ©
To be honest I would use the old âhello hello? reception is terrible, I canât hear youâ clunk and hang up the phone. Send her a text and say my phone is playing up ttyl!
My grandma does this and I basically yell over her "mhm ok I love you sososo much but I have to go to work. I'll call later Have a blessed day" đ€Ł Since yall aren't family, I would very sweetly say "that's sounds rough/I'm happy for you. I have to go, have a nice day" and just hang up. She's being rude by talking over you so don't feel bad about giving her some of the same energy back. Also try to make her socialize with other old people or volunteer organizations to get her off your back.
I think it's a generational thing. I know older women like this. It's not always trauma dumping but they love to go on about things and ramble. I think you need to ask yourself the question "Do I care if she hates me for setting a boundary?" "is this person worth the time and energy to help out?" "Why am I feeling dread?" And maybe you'll end up with a thought process like this: "So what if she's mad at me for walking away, I had to go to the appt at 3pm. I've done all I could for her and I don't have time to talk for an hour. My time is valuable and she doesn't respect it esp, when I'm helping her out for free. If she's upset at me, so be it. This doesn't seem worth the effort anymore." I think you need to address the guilt, not just what you will say to her. Do realize your discomfort and that your discomfort needs to be addressed. We're often socialized to tolerate discomfort, but it's our time to put our self first. Our time and energy isn't free. Taking that first step will be the challenge.
can you be insensitive/rude back? If sheâs cutting u off when ur trying to talk then sheâs being rude to you. And bc youâre frozen in fear itâs easier for her to keep talking at you.
Repeat yourself again when sheâs trauma dumping. Say I have to go do x. If it helps, prepare an excuse before u have to call her so your mind doesnât go blank in the moment. But interrupt her right as she starts trauma dumping. Itâs rude but at some point you need to train ppl who tend to trauma dump not to trauma dump on you. If you do it right when they start, eventually theyâll get it. I know it sounds cruel but keep in mind someone whoâs never letting you talk doesnât have much consideration for you anyway. Youâre already doing a lot by helping them out.
State from the start, immediately after greeting one another, that you have an appointment at so and so time and stick to it. Set an alarm on your phone and make it loud enough that she hears when it goes off. Then say something like, OH IT'S [TIME] I MUST BE GOING. I CAN'T BE LATE. BYE.
âNeighbor, Iâm really sorry, but I have to get going.â And if she keeps talking, stand up and walk out
When my dad goes on and on and on and on, because he is family, I will literally put the phone down and turn the volume down. And focus on something else. Occasionally taking myself off mute to say "huh, oh wow". But lately I'll say "Dad I'm sorry I really like talking to you but I'm meeting a friend soon, love you!" It's nice you're volunteering for your elderly neighbor but you can just not answer the phone calls (if she has emergency she can call 911 or a grand child or nephew etc), or you don't even have to volunteer for her- you can just say your schedule change and you now have obligations/a busy schedule. I used to give rides to this kid from Africa to church, well I guess he's my age in his 20s but still. He eventually became less appreciative and more demanding, demanding to know why I was 5 minutes late, demanding which music is played in the car even though I was driving out of my way to go get him. After a few months I straight up told him, sorry I'm not able to do this anymore here's a screenshot of the bus schedule. You could send her a list of handyman in the phone book or direct her towards Craigslist and say you're so sorry but your schedule has changed. Even if you're just milling around the house, she doesn't know that you're not on a conference call or doing freelance work or helping your cousin or something
She deliberately ignored you when you tried to get away. Itâs time to ghost and avoid!