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Today at a family gathering the topic of marriage came up and came with it my refusal to several marriage proposals (I live in third world country so I refuse to marry and be attached to any man in such a misogynistic society)
I expressed my lack of desire for marriage and especially my lack of desire for having any children, I'm strictly child free, even under perfect circumstances. My sister in law then called me 'abnormal' for my childfree choice. It caught me off guard. She really pissed me off with her audacious rude remark and I'm not used to getting into heated arguments with people in real life. How would y'all ladies deal with rude br**der's remarks when expressing your child free choice?
With a situation like this, I prefer to lean into the insult and embrace their verbal attack.
My retort would be something like, "yes. You are absolutely right. I AM abnormal. I have no interest in a normal, average life."
Refer to yourself as 'blissfully childfree' moving forward. It sets the tone about your choice and gets a laugh.
"Nah, I don't need to shit out a kid to feel 'normal'. Good luck with yours though"
Remind them single childfree woman are consistently and overhwhelming the happiest group on the planet.
Having a man in the house creates 7 extra hours of houswork per week and you ain't about that life.
My shitty comments are about being a single mum and rather than be rude back, I prefer to imply that they’re struggling.
Cowbag: It must be so hard being you. I’d never want to be a single mother.
Me: I’m not sure why you’d think that. I’ve had the freedom to build a life I love. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
No matter what they say, I do not understand and get more and more sympathetic about their unhappy life and poor choices. It keeps me amused 😁
The ruder they are the ruder I am. If they keep telling me i'll change my mind, I tell them, "Tell that to my fallopian tubes! They've been yeeted into a trash can<3"
A good response to the usual, "you'll never know true love until you have a baby reeee" Sorry Carol just bc you're stuck with your smelly manchild of a husband and don't bother cultivating healthy friendships doesn't mean we live the same life
People who are crazy about breeding and the lifescript or are misogynistic can't stand it when a woman chooses her own autonomy, freedom and needs
“ if you were so happy with your choice , you wouldn’t be criticizing mine” . Then walk away. Happy parents don’t pry or judge the childfree. Only the regretful bitter ones.
I’m luckily past that as I am old now!
I'd probably joke "sorry can't hear you over my mountain of disposable income"
In your situation, I probably would have smiled & agreed-something like “yeah. But I’m happy with my choice 🤷🏻♀️☺️”. Being called abnormal for being childfree wouldn’t really bother me because I know I get to go home to my happily “abnormal” life without diapers & screaming & PTA meetings. I guess if she had used a stronger word (freak, abomination, etc.), I would have felt much differently.
People do tend to feel very strongly about childfree people so I never bring it up on my own in mixed company. The decision to not have kids is mine alone so I see no reason to even give anyone else’s thoughts the time of day.
I empathize with you. Family being in your business plus the culture of a third world (I dislike that term) country are two things I do not have to go through and I cannot imagine that kind of pressure even if the pressure in this so-called first world pressure is...kinda similar 🤔
At any rate, I haven't dealt with family because I am not close to either side and I am childfree. People see that I love waving to kids when I see them and they ask me why I don't have kids. I say I love kids and the best part about them is giving them back to their parents! 🤣 I started telling people today that I am marriagefree too. Some men hate that. Oh well! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It really depends on the context, but in the situation above I'd have given the classic 'what do you mean?' response to the remark about being abnormal and then sat back and watched them struggle to come up with an even halfway coherent, articulate response. People like this aren't used to being put on the spot the way that they seem to feel entitled to do to others so it can be nice to turn the tables.
Good for you that you are standing up to such a strong force in your countries social conformity! It takes an incredible strength to stand up to the majority! You are an independent thinker. Be proud of yourself. Fuck these sheep that just want to follow what everyone else does!! You are a trailblazer for your community. You don't know how many women you are influencing who secretly believe how you do, but don't have the courage to be public about it!
"we are the most destructive species on the planet...we really don't need more of us running around. in fact, i'd say we need less. care to volunteer?"
or quote Eltahaway:
“…I own my body. Nobody else owns it: not the state, the street, or the home, not the church, mosque, or temple.”
Relative : when are you getting married?!! You need to have kids
Me: No I don't
R : what do you mean, of course you do. Who will care for you in your old age
Me : No
R : But-
Me : No
R : .....
Me : ......
R: ......
Me : 😊
Also, my sis asked me once when I'm planning to turn into a trans man or If I already have officially become a lesbian and have a secret gf somewhere.
I was kinda speechless 😶 But I just avoid going home as much as possible now. So instead of asking about my marriage and child plans, they ask why I mever visit anymore. I just tell them I don't feel like it.
The internalized misogyny runs so deep that I recently realized not every woman thinks the way we do. In fact, most of them don't. So it's better not to be surprised by their diminutive, pick-me remarks.
Luckily, I am still young (early thirties), so the pressure to have kids has not been as strong as I'm sure it'll be with my growing age... But I honestly DGAF. Luckily (?) I live in a country with a dying population so if anyone tries to give me sh*t... They can just look at themselves, lmao. Having kids is expensive. Not only that, but if your baby daddy turns out to be a scrote (and most men are scrotes), you'll be tied to him for 18 years at least. Who in their right mind would want that??
What bothers me more, is the instant "when will you get a boyfriend" coming not just from my misogynistic family, but from the patriarchal society as well. Who cares that the cheating rates in this country are through the roof? As long as you have a partner, even an abusive one, you're considered to be finally "normal" ... Ooof, sorry for the rant, clearly I have a lot that needed to get out :D
This probably isn't what OP wants to hear, but I just avoid people who make nasty comments about my childfree status. The way I see it, a friend should support your life choices (bar really bad life choices like doing drugs) so anyone who doesn't is not a friend and I owe them nothing. For example, I have an aunt who has been pestering me about finding someone and having kids since I was 13. (I swear I'm not exaggurating). The final straw was when my 35 year old cousin died suddenly and this aunt was harrassing me at the funeral. I didn't openly challenge her because I felt that would be inappropriate given that it was a funeral. However, I made a mental note to avoid my aunt as much as possible going forward, and I have. The one exception was my brother's wedding a few years ago because I wasn't going to miss my brother's wedding. Anytime I'm invited to a family gathering where my aunt is likely to be, I just politely decline and say I can't get the time off work or some other excuse.
Anyway, I don't really have any comebacks as such. If someone makes a negative comment or asks a personal question, I usually just say in a polite tone of voice "That's not a very nice thing to say" or "That's a very personal question. I'd rather not answer it if you don't mind". If they take on board my comment and back down, then they'll have no problem with me. However if they double down, then I usually try to avoid them going forward the way I avoid my aunt.
I am at the point now that when people ask me if I have kids, I just say YES, to get them off my back. Of course this only works with strangers cause family will know the truth. But he other day I had an 86 yr old male ask me if I had kids, I said, "Yup! A bunch of em!" And he literally jumped for joy and did a fist bump in the air and said, "Yes ! That's what I'm talking about!" It was so strange to see that reaction after years of seeing the reaction when I say NO.
Is it acceptable to have children before marriage in your society? Just wondering because in mine, it is not. I don't publicise the fact that I'm childfree. So, even though I'm of "marriageable age", I have to pass that hurdle first, if I want to. In a society where every little choice or decision I make is criticised or questioned (by my mother mostly), I find it easier to bide my time and then do what I want.
And I feel your frustration with your family. It can be tough to get along with family at best of times. But you can't change people's opinion if they aren't willing to listen. I have fought with my parents about some thing or the other a million times and I have lost most of the times because they aren't even willing to consider that they might be wrong or what they consider right might not be right for someone else. Telling them what you think of them might give you satisfaction but it will probably deteriorate your relationship with them.