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Story summary: After breaking up with her ex, the letter writer took the dog and agreed that her ex would occasionally see the dog. However, when she started seeing someone new, her new boyfriend expressed discomfort with her ex spending time with the dog. The new boyfriend mentioned that people he knows find it unusual to keep an ex involved in a pet's life.
Response from the ethicist: The ethicist refers to the boyfriend as 'controlling' and 'mistrustful'. The ethicist also suggests that the letter writer "plainly" has emotionally moved on from the previous relationship and advises caution in giving in to the current partner's demands.
Comment section of this article: Many people label the boyfriend as 'controlling' and 'insecure'. One commenter stated, "Plenty of people remain friendly with exes, and the dog doesn't have to be a factor! I side with those who believe the new boyfriend is insecure and controlling, and she should not accommodate his demands."
My question:
Personally, I wouldn't date someone who still co-parents a pet with their ex. I don't date individuals who have a lot contact with their exes, with the exception of co-parenting situations involving children.
I also believe it's premature to label the new boyfriend as 'controlling' or 'insecure' based solely on this incident. ( Asking a partner to establish boundaries with their ex is a resonable boundary)
What are your thoughts? Do you believe the boyfriend is controlling and insecure? Would you date someone who co-parents a pet with their ex? If not, would you try to " communicate" or would you just leave?
Idc if I get downvoted but this is seriously the whitest 💩 on the planet. Imagine having a custody agreement for a ff dog🐕🤣 It's giving mental illness 🤒💀☠️
Yep, this is weird. I wouldn’t date someone who shares a pet with an ex. I would imagine this is the type of thing that you’d find out pretty early into dating so I wouldn’t communicate, I’d just bounce. 😂
A friend of mine was “co-parenting” a dog with her ex. Once she got far enough into a new relationship, it just became too inappropriate to keep seeing her ex for the sake of the dog. She prioritized her boyfriend and let her ex keep the dog, since he was willing and able to care for it on his own. She does miss the dog, but she is now soon to be married to this man, who I deem to be pretty HV. I think it was a HV step for her to cut ties with her ex to nurture and commit to her new relationship.
Personally, I wouldn’t *start* dating a man who shares a pet with an ex. But eventually, one person needs to keep the pet. We all love our pets, but they’re simply not children, and “co-parenting” a pet indefinitely is not healthy or respectful for any of the humans involved.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I was dating someone that had lots of contact with their ex. Idc why they talk. It’s weird. A dog isn’t a kid that you co parent. So it’s not even a good reason.
We don’t know anything about this bf except that he’s reasonably uncomfortable with her ex coming around. That’s not controlling. He has a normal boundary. Id guess this woman would feel uncomfortable if her bf had his ex coming over all the time.
Shared custody of pets is just so fucking weird. Like, I understand the bond you can have with a pet, trust me - but no way in hell am I going to date someone that co-parents a cat or a dog. A kid is unavoidable, but a pet is totally optional.
Should always make it clear who the pet belongs to in case something like this happens. Like a pet prenup lol
I would imagine he's trying to get back into her life through the pet. Don't need the complication
Pets are not children. You do not “co-parent” a dog.
I personally know several cases of men using pets to control their exes after the breakup. Not only do they have an unhealthy attachment to the pet, they see it as a way to force the ex to be in their lives long after the split.
Yeah letting your ex see your dog regularly is weird IMO and I say this as an animal lover. Then again I think that being in regular contact with your ex for anything bar co-parenting is weird.
Well, I knew of a situation like this. One of my sister's best friends was with this significantly older guy who had previously been married. My sister's friend and him did not live together, although they made the decision to buy a cat. The cat lived with my sister's friend because the guy claimed that he couldn't properly take care of it with his work hours.
Then she found out that he was hoeing about. She breaks things off, he is inconsolable and begging for her back, and she wants nothing to do with his ass. And then there was the cat, which became the root of the problem.
They were doing this "cat visitation" shit for maybe a month. He would make excuses why he couldn't bring the cat to his place in order to hang out with her, thus using the "visitation" as a way to try to get back into her good graces. She shut him down, then he resorted to stalking her. She ended up giving him the cat and putting a restraining order on him.
Moral of the story: Do not buy/adopt pets with people you date. Period!
I would never adopt a pet with another person. It is either my pet or their pet with all the consequences. If it's my pet, my name is on all of the paperwork, I make the decisions and there will be absolutely no "shared-custody" or "visitation" after a breakup. Not going to happen. On the other hand I am not going to pay vet bills or take responsibility for a pet that is not legally mine.
"Shared pets" can be used by scrotes to hurt, pressure or control you during and after a relationship. A friend's disgusting ex used their dog to control her by threatening to hurt it, give it away or let it be euthanized if she left him. She did all the carework since the dog was a puppy and loved that dog with all her heart, but his name was on the adoption paperwork so he was the legal owner and she had no legal rights regarding that dog. We ultimately managed to save her and the dog but it needed a little criminal energy that caused the paperwork to "disappear".
Just leave. End of story.