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Ladies, what tools do you use to learn boundaries and how to set appropriate ones?
Backstory: my family is a mess, young parents/absent, family history rife with mental illness, child abuse, DV, substance abuse and in the middle of nowhere, low to no social structure.
As an adult, I'm a socially awkward mess. Raised to be a doormat because of my gender, the only parent who had strong opinions is a LVM with all the typical conservative views.
I'm lonely, I want friends and I want a social life. I want to have and be part of a support network with and for other women. Problem is the only friends I was able to make were LV pickmes (except one, fk cancer). I have no trouble making friends, but with putting down appropriate boundaries- saying no to people gives me anxiety because of how I was raised.
I took a year of "being an asshole". And guess what? Nothing terrible happened. I lost a few "friends" along the way, but I knew it was very fragile friendships based on my lack of boundaries anyway. I learned to say no without feeling of guilt. I somehow "reset" the unhealthy ways I dealt with people. Now I'm able to set reasonable boundaries. And I'm 100% sure my boundaries are healthy.
Hello! I would like to recommend a book to u, it is superb. The book details different types of boundaries (intellectual, space, emotional etc) and real life examples including how to practice them. Very helpful! “Set boundaries, find peace” by Nedra Glover.
Hope it helps! It’s a journey..also the book did acknowledge and address stuff like how it’s difficult within us, difficult emotions like feeling guilty in setting boundaries. :)
Read: Get Out of Your Own Way by Mark Goulston. Excellent practical guide to developing boundaries.
I hear you and have been through similar. Therapy! Therapy will help you process the trauma of your childhood and it will also help build your self worth. Self worth is the signal that teaches us where boundaries should be. It’s very hard to draw them without it the internal signal. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is a good place to start, but to be honest, EMDR (trauma intensive) really changed the game for me. There’s also DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) which is more skills focused. Definitely read the recommended book, because it offers solid guidelines for where boundaries should exist and how to implement them, but read in conjunction with therapy so you can begin to develop your internal signal as well.
I'm seeing good books and therapy recommendations but I need to put this out there for what people can do when they don't have access to a therapist or haven't gotten the book yet!
Start by writing down simple things like: limiting the length of a phone call someone has with you / limiting the amount someone will vent or use you for help.
Another is just sticking to your schedule when it comes to appointments and work. You don't have to be flexible. You can tell the appointment that a day or time actually does NOT work for you. It is also okay to say NO to covering for others shifts. You do not have to stay extra/do extra (outside of your contract) .
There’s a book called boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud. I also recommend finding a therapist who’s licensed in LMFT.