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I think deep down I know the answer... But, it's hard. I started seeing this man in December. He saw me on Tinder and found me on Instagram (I had my Instagram linked to my Tinder as I'm not on Tinder very much).
I was lonely and horny for a romantic and sexual connection. I have an extremely high sex drive. Two gym memberships & I've been working out a lot lately... getting in even better shape which just makes my sex drive even higher.
He asked if I wanted to do Christmas with him. I did. It was record cold here. I wanted a companion to stay warm with and have sex with. Then, New Years came and I thought it'd be sweet to have a New Years kiss and partner thru that holiday. Then, his birthday came... It's been holiday after holiday which makes it inconvenient and kinda sad to break up.
I don't think he's a malicious, malevolent guy but he has selfish, entitled, and indoctrinated beliefs. We are not compatible with even 1 thing. He works as a bartender (31 yrs old), and I work a work from home day job (I'm 32 years old). I work as a musician on the side, but not as a career I rely on for bills. Our hours are completely different. I have struggled with alcoholism in the past but the past year or so I've been doing muchhhhh better. I don't even like alcohol or bars. They're extremely boring to me so unless I'm performing doing what I love and making money at them I don't want to be there. We have different tastes in music, he likes country and top 40 and I like electronic music, synths, amazing vocals, and some alternative rock.
Red flags with this guy ~ I think he might be a pathological liar. He works as a bartender and bathroom attendant but has claimed he makes $175,000 a year, has a $5 million trust fund (but no access to), and said he put down a deposit on a Lexus although a few days later said he pulled his deposit out. I cancelled our first date and meeting in December because he was having car troubles and said it had to go to the shop. Then a few days later he asked me out again. I asked if he got his car fixed and he said yes. He picked me up and we went on a really nice date in his working vehicle. But, a few days later he says it's broken again. So, the guy has been vehicle-less and we've been using my ol' vehicle to get around. It turns out he told on himself a little while ago and said he wasn't sure his car would even make it through our date.
I have documented how much time I have spent on the holidays ~ several hours wrapping gifts, for his bday a ton of time making myself look gorgeous, and I took him to a museum as a birthday gift.
When we spend longer periods of time together at my place, I always cook something because I'm a healthy person. When I go to his house, he has nothing good prepared. I think the final straw is I told him he could coordinate our hangout yesterday since I coordinated this weekend (his bday museum gift) and he did absolutely nothing. He probably has to barback tonight so that was our valentine's day. No food. He made popcorn and opened up his Instacart app attempting to order from seven eleven. His hot spot wasn't working so we watched The Hangover 2. Sort of funny movie, but it gave me anxiety a bit. I don't think drinking alcohol and doing drugs is funny anymore, its seriously dangerous and that movie promotes and normalizes it.
The only thing we have in common is the sex. I know how rare it is to find a man that has a well working penis. Due to porn and decreased testosterone in men that has seriously been a problem for me. But, everything else is misaligned. It feels nice to have a boyfriend knowing I can get reliable/more likely to be monogamous sex but we have nothing in common, I don't really respect him and I don't think he respects me.
I'm the woman that posted about opening up a second phone line awhile ago. The second phone line is good for business reasons but I admit it's sad to have to have a second phone line to use when he's clingy and blowing up my phone. He started saying I love you very early on. I feel really bad breaking up with him especially it's Valentine's Day and this all hit me yesterday really hard when he did absolutely nothing.
TLDR; I'm dating a guy I'm completely incompatible with career wise, money wise, and interest wise. The only thing we're compatible on is the sex. Should I "stay" with him and just see others too, break up with him, or stop doing ANY performative tasks like cooking, driving to him, etc till he gets annoyed and breaks up with me
For your sanity, just break up.
Take it from someone who has stayed with shitty guys for the sex - they consume your energy and sanity, and erode your standards and self-respect.
This guy sounds shady and potentially dangerous, especially with his questionable finances, lying, and the alcohol situation.
Plus it’s simply humiliating that he’s ordering food from 7-11 for the two of you, and doing nothing for Valentine’s day. This is clearly not a relationship, it’s a hookup for both of you. Ick.
He doesn’t seem to care about you at all, so you should have ZERO qualms ending it at any time for any reason. Don’t coddle his feelings when he’s a selfish asshole.
You know what to do - end it with him, block and delete, and treat yourself to a new vibrator, a weighted blanket, and a hot bath ❤️
Why in the world are you buying gifts and setting up bday dates for a FWB??? If this was truly just sex for you, you wouldn't be this extra for him. This is why sex has to be off the table, because the woman (not the man) gets inevitably attached. It's inevitable because it has to do with the oxytocin exchange during orgasm. For the woman, not the man. You're emotionally hooked now. Chemically. And you're doing wifey shit for a man who is using you. God whhhyy. We women have to stop doing this. Stop going the extra mile for someone who won't do shit for you. The more you keep fucking him, the more attached you will become, whilst he won't become attached AT ALL. Men can fuck indefinitely without ever feeling anything for the female. This is all pickme behavior.
Ugh, you connected during cuffing season- this relationship is just a cope and you knew it when you started and you know it now. Cuffing season is real (don't think bc you time it in between holidays that you've avoided it) it runs from after Halloween through to just after Valentine's day (November- February).
Do yourself a favor and take a dating hiatus during this time in the future. Holidays make it hard to plan dates, family obligations tend to fall during this time of year, and we all feel down bc the sun sets so early. Just take a break and hibernate.
Remember for cuffing season: bears (hibernate), beets (to eat), Battlestar Galactica (to pass the time)
Break up. We are not men. Men who are so pathetic they need to keep the current source strung along while they look for the new. Your peace and sanity is more important.
Dear god, just break up with him. He's adding nothing to your life, lying to you, driving YOUR car (WTF??), eating your cooking and doing nothing but taking, taking, taking. Dump him yesterday. He's using you and you're letting him.
The trial is trash. Don’t get conned into a subscription, cancel NOW!
It sounds like he’s the only one benefitting from your relationship/situationship. He gets gifts, food, planned outings, a ride, and someone to direct his clingy energy towards. What are you getting out of it, though? And is it really worth what you’re putting in?
The way this reads to me is you’re put off by him for so many valid reasons but you’re justifying tolerance of it for the sake of your libido. Why are you letting a scrote enjoy the luxury of sex with you? Masturbate and take a good long look at all the other dudes out there who would jump at the chance to be exclusive fwb with you (because let’s be real, this is seeming more exclusive fwb than actual exclusive dating). Some of them have to have more to offer you than this guy. I just feel like you’re allowing the absence of a lot of important qualities because you’ve elevated (partnered) sex far beyond everything else and made it a need. If it really is so important for you then all the more reason to hold your standards high as hell.
My vote is to break up with him and continue working on yourself. The people you surround yourself with have a greater impact on your mental health and progress than you may think.
Girl, run. Sex as a woman is extremely easy to get. You don't need to subject yourself to that because of sex.
It sounds like your intuition is alerting you to his shadiness, and you have hard data (his claims in your conversations) to back it up.
Further, you can articulate not just what you feel, but why.
So my question is, what has led you to feeling you have to settle for someone who has 20% of the package you want? (Obvi you aren't obligated to answer here).
I ask because I wonder if it is more than just the sex and a question of feeling good about yourself as well. It's not like this man is the "d*ck appointment" situation. It sounds like "fwb" with an emotional security blanket AND girlfriend "obligations." You are cooking for him, providing transportation, sitting through entertainment that sounds like something he picked, and your efforts are not even close to matched. It's only been three months (!). Even if I believed in FWB, I wouldn't be sure this man is it simply because he seems to be enjoying perks of having you around without providing the respect and love you deserve (whether he cannot or will not doesn't matter-- the fact is he is not, period).
Something else to think about-- if your intuition is pinging about somrthing,, even a very small lie nobody would have an understandable reason to lie about, it doesn't mean he can necessarily be trusted to be monogamous. When I was a teen in secondary school, I was encouraged to overlook when boyfriends lied about little things. Or disappointed me in terms of romance. My support system assumed they were "just immature" and wouldnt hurt me because they did not push me to do anything physically. Their personalities were goofy, adorkable and laid-back in a nice way and they never did anything to intentionally hurt me. We were just kids. I later found out, years later, both of them cheated on girlfriends way after me. Not saying all men are like this if they are immature and goofy in their late teens, but I do not accept lies. Red flag = stop and do not proceed.
If you cheat on him or monkeybranch after finding someone else, that would be LV behavior. This man is not providing food, shelter, financial stability, or care for children. You have no legal ties. He doesn't provide the emotional intimacy of a best friend or the unconditional love of a pet. He is just companionship, and you can do better. But what is stopping you?
What is the worst thing that will happen if you cut the cord?
What is the worst thing that can happen if you stay?
I apologize if this is overly direct. Source = my experience and wanting you to feel deserving of higher standards ❤
Last edit: saw the update just now. Great job untangling yourself from him! Now onto bigger and better things 🙌
What a dumpster fire of a fuckbuddyship.
This man sounds shady as hell, and you deserve better. You need to remove yourself from his presence. When you do it (Valentine's Day, after Valentine's Day) doesn't really matter. I'm sure he doesn't give a shit, so neither should you.
I wouldn't put too much thought into how you break things off, as long as you keep yourself safe. He will not care about your carefully crafted word choice because he is incapable of appreciating anything you do for him.
Block, delete, next.
Definitely stop doing any performative tasks, remember, low value men are allergic to effort, so just distance yourself for now and find a new fish 🐠 this seems to extract a lot of time and energy from you mentally though so snip that line at the next possible chance, although that vday date is honestly a good chance. A quick aloof/distant/cold I just don't think our energies/ expectations match well. Throw his ass back to the streets he can't drive on.
🚩country music enjoyer
what's crazy is he would be taking the one taking a major L. It sounds like you are the better one of the two here, you work out consistently, taking care of your sexual needs and kind of just getting it done. What more can the man ask for if he's just out there doing stupid things with his finances and lying to you? Like he should be doing everything possible to keep you around/happy. That's crazy. I feel like in a couple months that guy is going to end up on reddit complaining he lost the best thing he's ever had, woe is me, wahmen are unfair, blaming you, etc.
As a woman with a high sex drive I know we do things to find one decent sex partner and go through hell to keep it because I do NOT want to resume searching or having different partners, personally. I had a hard time losing a good sex partner because that was genuinely the only thing that keeps me happy and really helped with my stress. But it's not worth a partner that isn't cooperative.
IDK I just think people are headaches and I'm the avoidant type lol I would break up with him and not blink twice about it.