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Hey Queens!
I‘m turning to your collective wisdom to help me explain this phenomenon.
I had many scenarios in my life with acquaintances of all genders where they seemed like an overall great person with their values in place, but then they said something so OUT THERE that you started doubting their whole character and true motivations, and even what they could be capable of.
The below is just an illustrative example:
I had a flatmate, let’s call hin C, with whom I lived together for over 2 years. He was very compliant, polite, accommodating, considerate among other things. Of course I never dated him or ever thought of him as someone of any sexual/romantic interest, so I’ll never know what he’s like in an intimate relationship. But as I observed him as a boyfriend to other ppl, he seemed to be the ‘good guy‘ type (not the incel-y good guy, but a genuine nice person who has a potential to be HVM).
I was therefore utterly taken aback when he once proceeded to describe his ex-neighbour as a really good guy who *only beats his wife when he gets out of control due to alcohol problems* but has otherwise a heart of gold.
Now it would be very hard for me to imagine a scenario in which C acts aggressively or even disrespectfully towards any woman ( of with a small % of chance of that happening just like with everything else in life). But otherwise ‘good‘ guys (or even women) having such awfully faulty judgements of situations gives me cognitive dissonance… like WHO are they really, how come that what they believe in is so different than what they act like - or could it be that they simply act according to their misogynistic beliefs in other scenarios/with other people??
Would love to hear some thoughts & observations.
People’s beliefs, perspectives, and actions ARE their character. If something seems out of character, it means you didn’t fully know the person.
Remember that men are capable of being incredibly thoughtful, caring, and generous to specific women who they respect, and then turning around and being abusive and cold toward other women who they don’t respect. Once you have evidence that a man does not respect ALL women as equal human beings, then distance yourself as much as possible.
I have a tendency to not see people as black and white. Cognitive dissonance is incredibly common even in people you'd overwise consider good. I don't expect every person to have a 100% crystal clear picture of their own values and biases because that requires tremendous reflection and life experience. However, we also know that abusers and narcissists almost all have a pleasant facade, so you can see comments like C's as "tip of the iceberg" stuff. You can safely assume there's misogyny underneath, especially since most men are misogynists.
It’s simple: he doesn’t view women as people. Most people would say that a person who is violent toward other people is not a good person. But for men, the way they treat women (especially their wives) is considered completely separate from what kind of people they are. So a man can “only beat his wife sometimes”, and still be considered a “great guy”. The man you are talking about views the way he treats his wife the same as he would view the way he treats his car, or any other inanimate object.
I forgot who said this one time, but something about how men who seem decent are only ever seen that way because the state of most men is so dismal in comparison, and that men rely on other men to being evil, hateful, violent, etc, to bank on that and to also get women that way. It works on women too... the whole "He's not that bad, at least he doesn't beat me like my last ex did."
Men bank off of other men being absolutely disgusting and terrible because then it makes lazy men look like Prince Charming in comparison. If that makes sense.
This C guy banks on the neighbor being an alcoholic wife beater just so that he himself can look so much better in comparison. He doesn't even have to donate to a battered women's shelter to prove it, either. See?
All men are misogynists to one degree or another. They will all disappoint you eventually. That's, unfortunately, the conclusion I've come to.
On the other hand, some men are willing to hear other view points and to try to be better.
Our only choices are seperatism - or - allow a select few seemingly decent men in our lives while constantly vetting and reevaluating.
Men are always willing to overlook a horrific thing other men do and say how they are "such great guys otherwise" because they don't want to admit that many men are actually POS.
I've seen this so many times already and now I'm starting to get jaded at the ripe old age of...out of high school.
We need a term for this, as a women’s community: when a man passes all the 'not misogynist' red flags but then reveals his true nature in a casual way or a different situation (like he always supports MeToo, but when it's his favorite actor gets accused then you see him call the woman a liar)
Has any other man or woman ever described a woman to you a *really good woman who occasionally beats her husband/kids or cheats on him due to alcohol problems.* But really, she has a heart of gold and only does it occasionally. It's really not her fault you know, she has an alcohol problem. She's a good person who takes care of her family though 🤡🤡🤡
It's laughable that our cognitive dissonance is so strong we'd hold men to absolutely no standards and then gaslight ourselves into thinking * hE dIdN't rEalLy mEaN iT tHaT wAy* when men tell on themselves by enabling, sympathising and/or identifying with abusers, murders and rapists.
Imo sheltered, younger men are sometimes "main characters" who see the world in terms of who entertains them and who doesn't, rather than looking at actual morality. I met quite a few of these guys who seemed like well-educated, nice, very friendly, non-judgmental people, and had these attitudes that bad people were just interesting and "colourful".
Sometimes with a bit of life experience people grow out of it and actually learn to take bad behaviour seriously and understand the effect it has on the victim. Sometimes not. I would be wary of this guy, not because he's necessarily violent but because he's clearly someone who struggles to empathise with the woman involved (and maybe with all women).