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Hello!
Would like to get some tips on something I contemplated while reading the playbook (I'm new to FDS and haven't gone yet all the way through):
I am normally quite empathetic; I am polite, and I would often say things are cute in quite a feminine way and would sometimes sob a little at a sad story (even on the news), try to have a laugh, would sing along to a song I like playing at a bar with my mates, etc.
I sometimes feel like most men take any signs of personality/femininity as signs of weakness, and they make assumptions and try to take advantage of it, and I'd really like to know how to deal with it in my daily interactions with men, and in the least exhausting manner.
I'd also sometimes have male acquaintances pretend they like the same things I do (say, a band or at a television show) just to refrain from it later or imply that they only knew casually, or without even remembering what they said.
I feel like I can't trust anything that most men say and would like to take more precautions but know how to balance it with being myself.
Thank you, Queens!
I'm the same way. I am an empath, and super loving towards everyone. I can see past peoples foibles to their core selves, ie their souls. I can see why they do this or that. I operate on the vibration of love. However, being a person who operates on the higher vibration of love, will immediately attract those who need the most loving, (the most healing through love). Out of no where, all the spiritually sick people who are absolutely desperate for healing (ie love), will come knocking at our doors. At best they don't consciously want to hurt you, but they end up draining us of our life force anyways. At worst, we attract the straight up predators that consciously destroy our light, because our light highlights their own darkness, so they have to drag us down to their level. ie: Misery loves company. Or flat out kill us. My way of managing this is first figuring out what boundaries I need to energetically protect myself, clearly state those boundaries, then ruthlessly defend them the very first time they are tested, pushed or outright disregarded. This is when these people will find out how nice you aren't. True "nice girls" either won't have any boundaries at all, or cave any time their boundaries are tested. WE don't do that. We stand firm. We immediately address the indiscretion and handle accordingly. You can read in my post history of a scrotation on Thanksgiving where I was warm, kind and nice until scrote completely disregarded my boundary of not wanting to date right now. Then I shut him down immediately. It's unfortunate how guarded we must be to keep ourselves safe,but that's the world we live in.
I think its important to recognise where these personality traits came from? I used to be the same until I realised no Im just conditioned to give out more empathy in patriarchal system and have become a people plaser who can't say no due to parental trauma. If being empathetic or 'nice girl' isn't serving you,then don't be one. Establish firm boundaries, learn to say no and not everyone deserves your empathy.
It's not a great sign that you, too, are viewing your reactions and traits as being "more feminine."
Having said that, I'll add that it's unfortunate that men read your personality traits as a sign of weakness, but as this is the case (and since I don't see any reason why you should have to stop laughing, crying, singing, and feeling as you want, in your social or private moments), I would recommend having more female friends and not hanging around with guys. I know you can't avoid the men at work, but at work you should be presenting a calmer, more professional demeanor anyway.
Once you feel more centered in yourself, you'll figure out a way that you can act around men that is still being true to yourself without allowing them "in" enough to fake similar interests, etc. Be your kindly empathetic self, but keep them at a slight distance. Cultivate female friendships where you can really let your hair down, as they used to say.
Anyway, that's my slightly-reserved, older-woman advice after years of accidental pick-me behavior!
do you feel like you are a people pleaser? if so then the first step you need to take is establishing boundaries, especially with men. you appear aware that they only agree with you for the sake of doing so; what you should then do is cut off the convo and walk away. why invest more time and energy into a one-sided convo? you also note that you feel exhausted; why do you continue doing things that exhaust you?
This is a struggle of mine as well. I have always been vulnerable, open, and trusting. I've wanted to see the good in people. I am an empath. I realize now that I haven't had boundaries and I've let people walk all over me. I've also been a people-pleaser and relied too much on the validation of others.
I've had to change how I am with men, even in casual interactions with them. I am more guarded and distant. We must protect ourselves. We must establish boundaries. We cannot trust men unless that trust has been earned over a long period of time. We can't afford to give them lots of empathy and compassion the way we would our girlfriends. We think they'll give us all that empathy and compassion back, but they won't.
I'm interested in a book called "The Empath's Survival Guide" by Judith Orloff. It might be of interest to you, and it might help with protecting your energy and creating boundaries. Who you are is beautiful. You do not have to change or harden yourself, but you do need to be selective about who you share all your light and magnificence with. It should only be with those who have earned the privilege of knowing you.
It sounds like you need to work on being mean to men. You can be a b*tch without being a b*tch about it. If a man makes fun of you for being sensitive (aka having human emotions) or for the things you like —you walk away in the moment or nod and smile at him but make a mental note that he’s an idiot and not worth your time and don’t engage with him in the future. If it’s coworkers you have to run into, stop being friendly. If you used to say hi, stop saying hi. If you used to chat, stop chatting with him.
No need to explain yourself. Show via your actions that you’re displeased. What men want the most from women is their attention —so only dole it out to those who deserve it. Men hate being ignored.
If you catch a man lying about liking things —he’s worried other men will make fun of him for liking something “feminine”. The thing doesn’t even have to be feminine—a woman just has to like it to “ruin” it for men. That’s how insecure they are.
I think it’s not really the behavior that’s the issue, it’s more about how much you believe them when they lie, a subtle hint that you don’t believe them but are too polite to call them out directly can go a long way, unless he keeps lying then you have to drop him. The most important thing above all else is knowing when to drop a guy, and it also helps if he knows that you are willing to drop him for your own safety no matter how strongly you feel about him.
It sounds like you need to work on being mean to men. You can be a b*tch without being a b*tch about it. If a man makes fun of you for being sensitive (aka having human emotions) or for the things you like —you walk away in the moment or nod and smile at him but make a mental note that he’s an idiot and not worth your time and don’t engage with him in the future. If it’s coworkers you have to run into, stop being friendly. If you used to say hi, stop saying hi. If you used to chat, stop chatting with him.
No need to explain yourself. Show via your actions that you’re displeased. What men want the most from women is their attention —so only dole it out to those who deserve it. Men hate being ignored.
If you catch a man lying about liking things —he’s worried other men will make fun of him for liking something “feminine”. The thing doesn’t even have to be feminine—a woman just has to like it to “ruin” it for men. That’s how insecure they are.
It sounds like you need to work on being mean to men. You can be a b*tch without being a b*tch about it. If a man makes fun of you for being sensitive (aka having human emotions) or for the things you like —you walk away in the moment or nod and smile at him but make a mental note that he’s an idiot and not worth your time and don’t engage with him in the future. If it’s coworkers you have to run into, stop being friendly. If you used to say hi, stop saying hi. If you used to chat, stop chatting with him.
No need to explain yourself. Show via your actions that you’re displeased. What men want the most from women is their attention —so only dole it out to those who deserve it. Men hate being ignored.
If you catch a man lying about liking things —he’s worried other men will make fun of him for liking something “feminine”. The thing doesn’t even have to be feminine—a woman just has to like it to “ruin” it for men. That’s how insecure they are.