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This is going to be a huge trauma dump but let me explain - I've gone through some life experiences that I am struggling to move on from and forgive myself for. I lost my virgininty to a guy who took advantage of me during the lonelinest time of my life. Basically he asked if I wanted to sleep together, I reluctantly said "its too soon" and he kept going anyway. I hate him for it but I also hate myself for just letting him. Then after he ghosted and acted like he didn't know me. It really messed with me, it took months and months to stop crying myself to sleep every night. I thought by the time that stopped, I had recovered and moved on, but I know I haven't because I can't let go of the regret that I let it happen to me. I brought it up to my therapist in an earlier session, it was incredibly awkward and she said we can go over it but we never did. I think I prefer to heal from this on my own, so reading suggestions, videos etc would be helpful. I have also gone through experiences that most if not all women have gone through - men catcalling and talking about parts of my body, living in a culture that objectifies us and so on. I also had a "step dad" who had low key inappropriate and creepy behavior towards me. He made objectifying comments about boys wanting me, whispered stuff into my ear and made creepy compliments. I want to move on and stop hurting over these things. I want to be able to have sexual experiences that feel fully consensual and I feel ready to do it, not rushed or initaited by "rough sex" bdsm crap that I got from my ex. And most of all I want to forgive myself.
I've been looking into books, there are so many on the subject! Also maybe there are some relevant FDS podcasts?
The body keeps the score https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Body-Keeps-the-Score-Audiobook/0593412702?device=d&source_code=GO1GB547041122911M&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=Cj0KCQjw7KqZBhCBARIsAI-fTKJ3Txs0wLSx9MDnpmlwBA6bEsz_AHyLqzkVvqvbazbKAVeVtZtNgAsaAg05EALw_wcB
Dr Jessica Taylor’s website Victim Focus has amazing resources and a brilliant free mini course for survivors of sexual violence. It’s an incredible resource and I strongly recommend it. Take care in your healing journey.
I am so so sorry you have to go through this. 💙 Sending you big hugs. I am dealing with healing from this type of trauma myself so I totally understand and appreciate you posting this thread so others like myself can take advantage of the resources. Sometimes it feels so heavy and fresh in the heart and mind that you think you might never be able to date or trust any man again, you know? I know you said you were planning to try to heal it by yourself, but honestly, I think you should consider finding a different therapist. At the start of seeing my current therapist, I thought I would never begin to heal or have anyone understand what I was going through, but she proved me wrong and I don't know what I would do without her. It feels wonderful to be heard and understood, and I don't think it's right that your therapist just glossed over it and didn't really pay attention to your being open enough to even share it with her, which is really brave of you honestly. For me, it is hard to even get the words to leave my mouth about what happened to me and what I need help with, because it makes it even more real somehow. I think something that really helps is another person being there to give you permission to let go of the shame and blame that you're placing on yourself. So if you end up not being able to find that person soon, I will say to you: That shame isn't yours, it belongs to your abuser. When you find yourself deep in your thoughts and laying that punishment on yourself, try to remember that he's the one that should be ashamed for being an awful disgusting person, not you.
I second the book The Body Keeps The Score. Also find a therapist trained in EMDR. I did intensive sessions this year and healed a lifetime of trauma in 12 hours total. It’s an absolute game changer.
I'm currently working through Stefanie Stahl's book "Your inner child is looking for a home" (the English titles seem different, if English isn't your first language, maybe they have it translated to yours: https://stefaniestahl.com/books/). The book is great for working with negative views about yourself that were created in the early years. In some respects, these negative views also explain why we would not protect ourselves from negative people ("I need to be convenient, I am weak" etc) - in my personal experience, why I would ignore so many red flags and let the abuse escalate. There are very specific exercises to understand your specific deep negative beliefs, your coping mechanisms (eg, not setting boundaries so to not upset others etc). I'm at the point in the book where there are exercises to heal these beliefs by accessing negative memories. Apparently memories are mouldable, in both good and bad ways. One of the exercises is to return to a memory and imagine it played out different - that someone actually intervened, helped you out, explained the situation and told you it's not your fault right then and there. This was quite intense yet cathartic to me, but there were other exercises that might be more meaningful to others. I would suggest this book if you're also feeling like the pain runs deeper than the very clear attacks on your person in those moment. I would only warn you that it might make you more sympathetic to other people who have behaved emotionally/aggressively in your life - and while our trauma isn't our fault, it is each of our own adult responsibility to deal with it. Some people are very comfy in their negative coping mechanisms and no outside force can change that, even if they are the ones losing out long term. You're already so much further ahead by looking for ways to heal yourself and you can lead by example, not by carrying them along. Maybe it's not relevant to you, but lets say that's what I needed to hear myself rn 😂
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Please be gentle with yourself. Do look up Ho'oponopono and give it a try as well.