Am I too harsh in finding marriage to be a raw deal?

Looove this! How did you get your relationship trauma down to zero?

This is going in my "Inspiring Quotes" file. Great advice! If I could upvote you twice I would.

I cut people off at the first sign of disrespect. I always ask myself would I treat another human being this way ? If the answer is no, then they gotta go!

I think there is something to that, that LTR are largely not for me. The odds that I will have to train, and educate (someone posted something about the mental load here recently, and this the kind of stuff men actively resist learning…so we aren’t even talking about *willing* students), and remind, and warn, are high….I just don’t have the patience for it anymore. Men really are socialized to prioritize the self, and will conserve resources as much as they can get away with, which seems to happen the moment they feel comfortable (or too tired from all that courting). As someone who aims to please and prioritize the happiness of others, I resent this natural “why but of course me first!” outlook. And when we hit that point- I’ve never had a single man not attempt to pull back some, even when I set firm boundaries- I just don’t want to coach or shit test him through it. I’d rather just leave, and start over with someone else who is feeling eager from the novelty and challenge. This might be that I truly am hardwired to love hard….it is physically painful for me to hold off a man that is pining for me and making it known that he doesn’t feel secure in my love. Not just because I feel guilty, but the giving in is what makes the whole thing fun for me in the first place….holding back indefinitely ultimately is not overall enjoyable for me and feels like I’m just denying myself the pleasure that was the whole reason for getting involved in the first place. Yet the moment I give in, he relaxes on effort, and now I’m the designated Relationship Manager. So your reply has given me added context, and I think I am coming to greater acceptance of my future. Of course I will have relationships, sex, even love…but likely not long haul. Much like how I am open to winning the lottery, but am not building my financial strategy around that outcome, I am open to marriage, but am making decisions based on the more likely outcome of numerous fulfilling-at-the-moment romantic connections, relatively brief though they may be. I used to feel bad about even considering this- there is a dynamic you hear about a lot esp in the poly community where one is addicted to New Relationship Energy, and that’s why they hop from person to person…they get bored. It sounds immature. But that’s not me at all! I can handle the excitement dying down and settling into old married couple routines. What’s me is the need for someone to be able to match my efforts, to want to keep exploring, to be as perceptive of what needs to be done in our home, to value what we have as much as I do, to be as self-aware/willing to do inner work, to be as proactive in keeping the lines of communication open (I’m likely better off in an LTR with a woman like me, but that’s another story). I’ve not been with anyone who meets that criteria, and like I said- as a combo of the times plus the fixation on youth- I don’t feel hopeful to find someone who *can* match me, I am slowly coming to adjust to what is realistic and making peace with it. It takes a level of Zen-like acceptance of impermanence in general, which is hard for me but, I am working on it! Thank you for your response! It reminds me why I am grateful for this community and it’s actually quite nice to not have male lurkers anymore, in order to speak candidly.

I totally get it. I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with what you know you want deep down. I am somewhat the same. I love the feeling of falling in love. I just stupidly thought that feeling would give way to this amazing partnership and lifelong friendship. More like men who wanted a life long Mommy McBang-Maid. The facts are: this type of life is precisely what the patriarchy has conditioned us to avoid. They don't want us to reap the benefits of ONLY being with men who are eager to please, who are willing to put in the effort - it isn't OUR fault that when we begin to reciprocate, they change it up. That's on them. So what have men done since time immemorial to trick us? They'be told us that women who ditch an unsatisfactory relationship to pursue a better one are "whores" "sluts" "hypergamous," or my personal favorite: when they compare us to chimps swinging from man to man or dick to dick rather than tree to tree (popular amongst the "red pill" sect). They truly do NOT see us as equally human to men. They are barely past Aristotle who saw women as merely a deformed, unformed man. They would never admit it & most of them would be "so shocked" if you confronted them with it, but their actions speak so clearly. They're gross. They're lame and ultimately? They're fucking jealous.

@RaiseTheBar This is such a great reflection on your personal situation and also the state of relationships with coddled and entitled men nowadays (almost all of them). I agree with everything you are feeling and have experienced and find myself in the same situation.

I was thinking about it recently and realized that "life-long marriage" is a societal ideal, just like living to 100 or becoming rich. Not everyone can reach these goals (in fact, only a small minority, which is why it's an "ideal" and not actually standard). Most people just aren't set up to be 100 or to be fabulously wealthy by luck or the conditions of birth (inheriting longevity genes or a family/community where becoming wealthy is far easier).

Working towards these goals by putting in the effort and making good life choices is essential to achieving them, but without some luck and/or good genes/upbringing, it's not going to happen for the vast majority of people, and that includes long and happy marriages And that's ok. You don't need to be a centenarian or a billionaire to have lived a good life, and you don't need to be married till death do you part either.

We all need to just figure out what we need to be happy and go for those things. You want kids? A deep emotional or sexual bond with another person? Yes, do get married if you find a person who shares those same goals in the way that you want for as long as you both feel that way. And yes, marriages ARE "work" to some extent, and are not completely effortless, just like any relationship, so "the first sign of disrespect" is contextual. But you KNOW IT in your gut when he crosses that line and you realize that he is not as concerned about making it work as you are, and that's when it's time to go because you know it can never get better from there.

When you get to the point where you realize that he expected you to become someone other than you are after a while (spoiler alert: it's his mother he wants you to be. It's always his mother), dump him and don't feel bad about walking away, because he wasn't in a marriage with you anyway, he was in it with who he wanted you to be.