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Hi sisters,
After my last post where I expressed feeling bad about my date always paying for our dates, I am more certain that I'm doing everything right and I should tell myself I am worthy of everything and more, but I am wondering If inviting him out would make him see me as low value or a pick me.
There was a museum I rly wanted to go some years ago (my ex never took me lol even tho I told him for a year that I wanted to go). Would it be acceptable to ask the guy I'm seeing on a date there?
Benefits:
the guy sees I can be generous too after threee amazing dates he always paid for.
by taking him there, he can see I wanna do more exciting/interesting things on dates.
Cons:
might see me as low value/pick me behavior.
Thank you sisters (pls always read the word sisters in the voice of Winifred Sanderson)
No.
The benefits mentioned are for him, not you. Proving that you're seen as generous and interesting- why would you need to do that? That is pick-me behaviour.
Dating is best with your benefits in mind. As someone else mentioned, if you drop hints and he initiates/picks up on those- the benefit to you is that you are choosing someone who is thoughtful and attentive towards you.
You mentioned in an earlier post that you're fighting against feelings of inferiority. You're in a vulnerable period right now where you're getting nice treatment from someone. It might feel to your inner pickme that this is the time to let up on the ruthless handbooking. Nope -- if you suddenly drop your standards, you're giving him intermittent reinforcement for LVM behavior. Don't do it!
Also, I'm wondering about something -- this was a museum you wanted to go to YEARS ago. You waited for your now-ex to take you, and he didn't. Now you're hoping this guy will. Sure, drop a hint to him, but for crying out loud, if he doesn't pick up on it. GO TO THE MUSEUM! I'm not a fan of waiting to do a thing until you get asked to go with someone else.
You're disrespecting yourself by chasing this scrote and disrespecting us coming here fishing for our approval to feel better about doing so. You're not following FDS. You went on THREE dates in the span of ONE week with a scrote who originally offered you a coffee. You are already so invested you balk at the thought of letting him pay. You are finding justifications why you should invite him out next. You want to do the pick-me dance for this stranger, go ahead. But have the decency not to come here and ask us for the go ahead.
No you do not do this.. Plus it's not that special or hard for LVM to give you 3 great dates. You do not need to prove a damn thing to this man! Your company and time are valuable. He benefits amazingly from a relationship with you in every way.
Drop a hint next date or phone convo that a friend went to this museum and said it was fun. Or something like that. Then see if he 1. Remembers, and 2. Plans a date around the museum for you.
I’m ok with dropping hints and seeing how they react.
One of the reasons I ended my last relationship was that one of my favourite artists had a special showing locally and I told my boyfriend we should try and get to it. He said sure and we never went. Message received (at month three of our relationship he’d have planned a day around it).
I didn't read this, but the answer is no.
The guy needs to court and iniate.
Why should a man ever need to see that a woman can be financially generous and pay for dates? He pays for the dates. You tell him what you would like to do on those dates. "I'd really like to go to that museum". There, now that isn't so hard, is it?
Also, never ask a man out. That is the anti-FDS. If he wanted to, he would. Back to school for you and this pickme nonsense.
No initiating from your side.
If you initiate he will immediately start slacking off, show his most LV behaviour and take you for granted.
Big nope 👎
Nope! in most cases, a scrote will see that as his chance to start taking advantage of you; a man of value will be insulted.
pre-fds I felt a little weird about a guy who treated me to 4 or so dates and I tried to initiate the 5th and offered to pay 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤦♀️
the guy seemed very uncomfortable, his whole tone shifted, and he never spoke to me again. I’m not going to assume he was hv but did show some promise. it didn’t click for me what I did wrong until I found fds years later.
theres absolutely no scenario where it will work in your favor.
The vetting doesn't stop after date three. I'm with my partner for over a year and I still drop hints and observe whether he picks up on them and plans accordingly, because I want to keep up the expectation that he has to come up with fun things for us. I'll admit, I'm a better planner so I might need to nudge a bit, but I really want to give him the space to grow into this more instead of taking over and doing it myself like I always have in the past. I want to be taken out while knowing he has everything taken care of. That's one way he can add value to my life. And he does plan with my maximum comfort in mind, which lets me lean back and enjoy the day/evening. That's what we need to expect of men. Nothing less. You don't need to advertise your capabilities or virtues to him. Women already take on too much by default and men are already profiting from that so there's no need to go further.
No - why don’t you go there with a friend instead? Or you could casually mention wanting to go and see what he does.
You don't need to "be generous" to catch a guy. He should be flattered and interested that a beautiful, nice woman is giving him attention. And if he wants kids, he has actively trying to show you he can be a provider and is not a loser incapable of taking you on dates.
Look, I've been there before, the guys seems interested for a few weeks or even asks me to be his girlfriend so I think I can let my guard down and start asking him on dates, etc inviting him over for Netflix and chill. I still got dumped. I remember from The Rules books (Ellen fein and sherry Schneider) have a few sentences in a chapter saying "this man hasn't even said I love you yet and these women are calling him up, asking him out etc".
I thought, phooey! I like this man and he really likes me, I'm doing it MY WAY!
He text dumped me on month 3.
Don't think that because he's showing interest now you can just go full hog like you've known him a year and he's in love with you.
Best case scenario he's lukewarm interested and a nice guy, and passively reciprocates/accepts your invites, then flakes out after a few weeks or months because he wasn't really that interested you were just pretty and available (and possibly having sex with him).
Worst case scenario he's a player and now you're already jumping through hoops for a man who is never serious, and if you let him run his natural course he would have faded away, you wouldn't be blind to his slow withdrawal and you would have saved yourself pain.
I don't see why not plan the date if he's already planned a few things for you, but he should pay for the tickets and perhaps a meal you go to after. Many museums have nice restaurants inside. Also, why do you feel bad when a guy pays for dates? Do you realize that it will never be trouble for a man who is financially stable and actually likes you? You are not inconveniencing him by expecting him to pay, and it also doesn't mean you have to owe anything in return (ex. kissing, sex, going back to your apartment after, etc.)