Does anyone have any advice on learning to receive/ just be with regard to friendships? I used to be an over-giver, which I have now recognized was a covertly manipulative attempt to prevent people from leaving me. I thought if I made people need me/ depend on me then they would stay. I am trying to implement things like putting on my own oxygen mask and giving to myself first, which has certainly helped. However, I now find myself confused on the limit especially with regard to female friendships. How much do I give? Right now I have been trying the invest exactly as much as they invest and not an inch more, but this doesn't exactly feel natural or right. For example, a friend invited me for dinner at her place and I brought drinks and strawberries. This week a friend treated me to an expensive dinner so I sent her a fancy thank you card after. I invite my friends to hang out and make plans, but if they don't reach out the next time to make plans, I don't give a second invite. I hate how calculated/ tit for tat I feel with regard to these interactions, but I just can't seem to find a comfortable balance between giving relationships my everything and not giving anything at all.
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First, know that this is a process. It involves some of the things you're already doing on a behavioural level, which is good.
The key is that you also have to accept yourself first for only exisiting as a non-giver.
When you truly feel in your bones that your value is in what you ARE, not in what you give (or at least that the latter is just a manifestation of the former), you'll implement different behaviours in a more natural, organic way.
I hope it's not your case, but for me, it helped to go through the trauma of betrayal over and over again. It made abundantly clear that no matter how much you give, it is NEVER a guarantee that people won't leave you, and possibly will increase the chance that they'll use you if they can feel that giving is how you value yourself.
It was kind of a tough reality check, but now I only fully express my giving side (which makes ME happy - that's the key) with people who value me and love me for who I am and not what I give. Or, alternatively with people who I want to help outside the context of a personal relationship (such as a volunteer).
But before you get to this point, you have to wake up to the fact that your intrinsic value lies in your mere existence as an unrepetible unique being. Isn't that great? :)
Aww. You don’t have to exist within such rigid lines. You’ll learn to trust your judgment with time. Don’t receive with the intention to give back. You risk making your r/ships transactional and it replaces the affection with pressure.
Many women are inspired to give as an act of nurturing. Who knows maybe she gave you a fancy dinner because she felt you needed a cuddle? Or she simply thought it’d be nice to create that memory with you? Or maybe last week you’d given her a kind word and a smile? What if a stranger opens the door for you or an umbrella over your head?
You don’t need to make detailed calculations. Just gauge *why* you feel inclined to give whether emotionally or otherwise. If you really just want to be helpful due to genuine compulsion, whether inspired by reciprocity, kindness, sympathy, do it. If you find someone exploits that, then you stop.
I love cooking for my friends and if someone brought wine and strawberries I would think they were really thoughtful. But I would truly be happy to have them without it. I don’t think you have to go tit for tat. Just do it from the heart, and accept things graciously.
So, Miss Manners would be proud of your etiquette!! Hostess gifts are always a good way to reciprocate, and so are thankyou cards! I love getting cards. Part of why it feels tit for that is bc you're trying to redefine established relationships. Meeting new people is a great way to minimize your discomfort bc you aren't changing a dynamic with them. It's good practice for cutting off friends that don't reciprocate, and for realizing which friends you should cut off. (Tbh I slow fade friends who don't reciprocate, and the meh ones sometimes take a year or two to fully leave my circulation once I downgrade them initially) Also making friends is a good skill to develop at any time, always try to make new friends, the world is only small if you keep yourself and your circle small