Advice from FDS Queens: dating a Kenyan man

I did a similar reconnaissance when I dated a Lebanese guy for a couple months- let me save you the trouble:

Recon on a man's culture is a waste of your time, and it sets you up to excuse behavior under the presence of culture etc. All the while it enables you to sit in limerence by 'learning' (really fantasizing) about him under the pretense of evaluating how his culture will fit with yours.

I've found that you don't fully notice the cultural incompatibilities til a few months in- and make no mistake: dating Western women for sex outside their culture is a very common theme for these men- especially if they're wealthy enough to work/live/travel abroad on the regular

TLDR; Reconnaissance is just limerence masquerading as research. If you are compatible, there won't be a need for reconnaissance on his culture- you will be comfortable with him/the pace and enjoy learning his cultural quirks.

I am Kenyan. Pay attention to how involved his sisters and parents are in the relationship, and how much weight he gives their opinion of you and your relationship.

Vet him as you would any man really, but yes, of course they are misogynistic AF in Africa (I don’t believe there is a real free country for women anywhere) but Africa is a continent full of poorer countries and strong religions. Women don’t tend to do well in those environments. If the human rights of a country is lacking, you can believe that women’s rights are *more than likely* in the gutter.

However, I’m a black American woman, not Kenyan, so I can’t speak on specifics. I suggest that you start researching into how Kenyan women are treated by men and their families. In my experience, black men are likely to treat their sisters, mothers, and aunts far better than any woman they’re dating, but that can vary ofc. In your position, I’d also be wary of being fetishized by a black man.

And definitely make sure to ask him up front right away how his family feels about you not being apart of their culture or race. African people are way stricter about their culture than black people in the West. I know of some American black women even having issues with marrying an African man because of culture differences. If he says anything other than “it’s not a problem for my family at all” run for the hills, sis. I would also question him a ton about what he expects from his potential wife and how he she should interact from his family.

I see a few good answers. I will add it’s important to make sure he is not dating you so he can gain citizenship (via marriage) in a more “desirable” country. (I assume you’re from a Western country that is seen as more desirable/prosperous than Kenya.)

Being used for citizenship had never occurred to me until a Pakistani man warned me that many Pakistani men will seduce Western women into marriage so they can immigrate to the women’s countries. After marriage, the men will treat their wives like shit because they never intended to be good husbands in the first place. Their behavior can do a total 180 after they receive their citizenship papers.

All men are trash, just seasoned differently

-a wise queen on this forum once

Black, white, Asian, Indian, it doesn't matter what you think of dating a man like him unless he ASKS YOU OUT. Lol... Has he actually asked you out?

I dated two African Americans (like their actual parents were African, not referencing black Americans who have generations of American before the African ancestor), one moved from Kenya in middle school and one grew up in US with Nigerian parents.

I NEVER ONCE brought up the race thing, it literally never occurred to me. The one I dated in Florida, in high school, some kid yelled "Oreo" which is very racist. Racist people will try to fit black people in a box- they're "acting white" if they have x hobby, or date a white person etc. That type of rhetoric is so offensive because anyone is allowed to have any hobby or date any person or like any music and still be black.

Anyway..

Ya both guys were extremely high quality, respectful, upstanding. Unless he comes from a polygamist background, I don't see it being a red or green flag. Just part of who he is.

I lived in Kenya for 2 years when I was younger, near the coast among the Mijikenda (a set of 9, mostly rural, people-groups). I learned the language fluently and really enjoyed becoming as culturally integrated as possible. Those years are some of my best memories.

I’m not sure what tribe this guy is from, or if he grew up urban v rural, but my experience is that most Kenyan subcultures are quite sexist. The woman has the babies and does ALL the heavy labor (childcare, farming/work, resource gathering, laundry, cooking, etc) and men spend their time socializing and eating food the women cook. Many are polygamist.

I think meeting his family and seeing how they interact may help you flush out his attitudes and expectations for a wife. Kenyan men are very charming & handsome (IMO), but the combinations of Christianity/Islam and traditional religious beliefs creates a strong “women submit and obey” culture. It wasn’t uncommon to hear that beating your wife is your duty/privilege as a man.

Now, I DO admire the women because they are freaking strong and awesome! Queens in their own right. One time a man was beating his wife and she hit him on the head with a jembe (farming tool), leaving him bleeding profusely. She ran away, he chased her yelling he would KILL HER, and that’s when I saw what was going on and stopped him on the trail. (I was considered a guest in the culture so I could sometimes take liberties like this). I made him sit down, got him some water and bandages, and stalled him til she could get further away. I’m not sure what happened afterward, but it’s likely they cooled off, and she returned to him, only to be beaten again. But I’m not sure.

I also noticed that men and women do not socialize together much - they socialize by gender. Women keep their secrets and loyalties to women & men keep theirs, so he may have different ideas about honesty and intimacy with his wife (ie lying is ok and his bros will defend him).

I‘ve heard Savannah talk about Nigerian cultural expectations for women, so maybe listen to the podcast episodes where she addresses it.

I agree with all the other comments overall: a scrote is a scrote. And you’ll be able to sniff him out. But I agree that Kenyan men have a particular romance and beauty about them. Maybe it’s the British accent? Not sure but I fell in love with almost everyone I met in Kenya, both men and women.

ps. Some men have to build/buy their wife a house before she will marry him, and it’s tradition in some places to give her gold as well. But that doesn’t mean he’ll be a HVM.

If you just communicate to him about how you do not want to get female genital mutilated like 21% of Kenyan women according to Unicef, you will live happily ever after.