Advice for my current situation

There's nothing about your current situation that's healthy.

End it.

He doesn't like you, he likes access to your body and your co-dependency.

The only way to heal is to get away from him forever. Once you gain some distance, you'll be surprised how clear the entire situation is, and how well you can stand on your own two feet. You don't need this guy to be happy.

Nothing about single hood is scary — the scariest thing is being stuck with a LVM

It's block o'clock. You can do it.

I feel for you. I know it feels impossible right now. You need to go completely and unapologetically NO CONTACT with this guy. Focus on yourself. You need to take time to heal.

Is there a possibility for you to start therapy? Because you need help with your healing. A good therapist can be a game changer.

I wish you all the best.

No matter how great the highs feel, the next low is always around the corner. This cycle is baked into the dynamic, you can't change it. You will never be able to have the good parts without the bad parts with him. Trust me, I've tried it for 9 years, and I'm by far not the only woman. Toxicity is addictive, and quitting is hard, but you need to give yourself the chance to heal. It's a lot more peaceful on the other side. You won't miss the drama when you've had a chance to cool down completely.

Hun, don't call yourself stupid. I went through the same thing, I found out about the rules and fds but still broke them. It's a process of trial and error, one thing I know for sure is that I will never err from the path again, not because I've been brainwashed into thinking this is the only way to be, but because I've realized this is literal grassroots information from women who have been through b******* and come up with a game plan to avoid maximum b*******. You can break the rules all you want, you can violate fds all you want. It's not that you need to do these things out of some sort of ideological purity, it's because women have been hurt many times over and we've come up with ways to avoid it. Avoid the pain. Get closer to a good man who treats us well. So don't beat up on yourself. Just like a little kid, your mom tells you not to touch the hot stove but you do it anyway and after getting burned you never do it again.

Second of all, for your specific situation I would tell yourself two things. First of all, you are heavily bonded to this man because of oxytocin which is released when you cuddle touch and especially have sex. I did not even know this. I used to feel so bonded, even in love with men who in retrospect didn't give a s*** about me. Biologically, if we do not release the oxytocin, we would not bond to men and then die via saber-tooth tiger or freezing winter because there is no man bonded to us to protect us in cave days. Or, if you did not release oxytocin for your children, you would just abandon them in the supermarket when they piss you off.

Realizing that I have been biologically driven to bond with this man via oxytocin, especially if you've been having unprotected sex (birth control or not, the lack of condom specifically) or even simply cuddling, has been a game changer. I'm no longer crying on the floor saying oh my God I love him, I'm telling myself that I am bonded to him and I formed a bond because of the physical activities I engaged with..

Second thing for your specific situation, it sounds like when you break up, you said yourself both of you will cry and come back together. One thing that is really horrible that I learned is that men will fake entire emotions. one time a boyfriend wanted to suddenly start using condoms, and literally created a fake sob story about how his sister got an abortion and he never wanted me to have to go through that. That was a literal complete and total lie, he wanted to wear condoms all of a sudden despite being exclusive and tested at the beginning, with me having an IUD, because he had begun to cheat on me with anonymous men off craigslist. No joke.

I'm going to say something that is really hard but woke me the f****** at the age of 24 and now at 28 I am much less prone to b*******. Here it is: a lot of the reasons men do things are just simply maintain sexual access to us. Whether it's a fuckboy, an ex-boyfriend, a current boyfriend. Men have learned that most women don't want to just come over, have sex and leave with absolutely zero expectations for communication or love or anything. I'm not saying all men are evil, I'm lucky I have an amazing father so I know that good men are out there. But I don't know, 60 or even 75% of men will literally say whatever they need to say and do in order to maintain sexual access to you. It is so much easier to have a girl who is in love with you because she is or was your girlfriend, easy sexual access, no months-long pursuit is necessary, no dates in public that he pays for are necessary, all he has to do is call you up on the phone, cry about how much he misses you, and invite you over.

I've been treated so badly by ex-boyfriends, or ex situationships (under the age of 23 or so before I learned to tolerate a lot less b******* by finding out about fds and books like 'not your mother's rules' and 'he's just not that into you'l.

It was a big wake-up call to realize that the literal reason this man is twisted, hot and cold, non-committal, disrespectful, first of all has to do with his character but second of all has to do with this man has a penis and is frequently horny and does not want to have to go through the trouble of being a decent human being, going on dates with a new woman, getting into commitment, being a good person to maintain the commitment. It is so much easier to just b******* your current or your ex-girlfriend to get sex again.

I would strongly recommend you block and delete this man, commit to it for 60 days. Listen to the audiobook it's called a breakup because it's broken. Don't unblock him for any reason, it literally doesn't matter if he sends you a 10 paragraph email apology. Assume everything he says is b******* and he's just spiraling because he's obviously losing his sexual access to you. I know, you are much more than a sexual body, much more than just someone to hook up with. We know this, I know it, hopefully you know it. that doesn't change the fact that this is how toxic men see us. If he was a good man, or if he was truly interested in respectful, serious commitment, there would be none of this hot and cold b******* and drama.

After 60 days, with plenty of exercise and getting plenty of sleep and making sure to nourish your body with healthy foods, you will literally not want to see this man again I guarantee you no matter how much you think you're in love with him.

Please, for the love of God I know how you feel and the only way out of this s*** hole death spiral is to block and delete for your own good. Stop caring about what he thinks, what he feels, what he wants, what he thinks he needs or what he actually needs. This isn't about him anymore. This is about you and your mental health and your well-being and your self-respect.

Commit to taking a full one-year break from dating. Even if you feel like you are biologically compelled to hurry up and have kids, you're not going to make healthy kids or a healthy marriage out of this mindset you're currently in. Commit to one year zero dating, you had a long-term relationship and then a toxic sloppy rebound. Mental and emotional healing is possible, but what you really need now is a big long break from penises flying in your direction and men's b******* I swear. I took a two and a half year break from dating and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, when I returned the dating pool I had zero baggage and I was actually a healthy fully formed human being for once.

Please get a dog to cuddle and take on walks, and also listen to the audiobook why does he do that? By Lundy bancroft.

The reason he does all this crazy s*** is because it simply works for him and it sounds like it's a good distraction from his absolute bum life. You are falling into sunk cost fallacy, that's why it's painful to imagine this loser with another woman, even though actually another woman taking him off your hands would be the best thing that ever happened to you and the worst thing that ever happened to that woman.

You probably are getting caught up in the drama because it's a good distraction from the heartbreak of your long relationship. If you allow yourself to feel your feelings deeply, by yourself, they will actually be easier to deal with and you will move through them. Avoidance is your enemy

You barely mentioned substances- just said you became dependent on them. Which ones? Are you still? If so, that is a beast you'll have to deal with first and foremost before you can tackle any of your other life problems. And certainly, you shouldn't date until you have.

But this man sounds absolutely terrible for you.

time for a reset!

book yourself some bodywork appointments if possible, block him + delete him from your life, even songs that make you think of him...and then do as much exercise as you can. wake up with the sun, go to sleep 2 hours after sunset. find your rhythm again and get back to your center.