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Hi all,
So as titled, have I completely missed the boat with relationships and sex ?
I had a difficult childhood and as a consequence I developed strong boundaries early. I'm grateful that I've never let a man (outside of my family) mess me up or hurt me but I've overcorrected, and now I'm too closed off. I have no idea how to have intimacy with a man. I'm wondering if it's even possible at this point.
I'm not asexual nor gay. Unfortunately I'm not stunningly beautiful but I do put in lots of effort: I'm slim and dedicated to the gym, I wear makeup and dress stylishly etc. I don't necessarily think appearance is my issue although I am a WOC and was bullied for that very badly in childhood. I spent my twenties studying, travelling and healing my trauma. I went on a few dates but mostly it wasn't on my radar.
I don't know how to attract men. When I go to parties and events, all the men are either already partnered or completely uninterested in me. I'm scared of OLD.
Genuinely don't know how to meet someone and also worried that I myself am considered a walking red flag due to my lack of experience.
I just want to know what it feels like to love and be loved. But at a certain age is it just better not to even try if you have no, or very little, experience?
(I would like to have children one day although I am aware there are options available now for single mothers by choice, if needed. I do fear that the sperm donor route isn't appropriate for a virgin. That alone makes me wish I wasn't one)
I am in a similar situation at 34 with no relationship or sexual experience. Just want you to know you are not alone. I obviously have no advice. But I don't think it's ever too late to find genuine love and connection. I hope to love and be loved too one day by the right person.
I'm 26 and I haven't been a virgin since I was 16. Unfortunately, I've only ever been with LVM and have been traumatized by them and would rather still be a virgin with no experience.
Don't be hard on yourself instead be proud of yourself for upholding your boundaries. Most men don't deserve access to us especially our bodies! You want your first experience and relationship with a HVM anyway. It only takes one man, trust that there are men out there praying to be with a woman like you.
Don't worry about being considered a "walking red flag" just cause you dont have experience. Honestly, 32 is still young. And a HVM is not going to care about the amount of experience a woman has. You are right to avoid OLD as most men there just want to smash. I would say parties and bars are not a good idea either. Go to events for nerdier interests, like a book club if you like reading about a certain topic. Basically something that involves something intellectual or creative rather than partying.
No, you’ve saved yourself the hassle of traumatic, LV experiences. Those would have just screwed with your mind/heart, making it more difficult.
Finding love and a relationship is the same, whether you’ve had experiences or not.
Lack of experience isn't a red flag, as a woman it could just lead to you being vulnerable or targeted. So as long as you stay safe, the only thing to do is continue trying. Being guarded, but open to experiences with men (not simply attracting attention or validation from them).
No advice on where to find or how to attract a man. Maybe some other FDS sisters have advice on that!
Are you me? Lol
We’re almost the same age. I’m in my early 30’s and never has sex. My longest relationship was three months for a semester of college. People thought I was asexual or demisexual. Not true at all, I just had high standards and was attracted to certain qualities that most men don’t have.
I am a virgin out of principle and my own core beliefs. Having sex with a man who’s not my husband is wrong to me. I don’t have a problem if other people want to have sex with their partners, and if they want to have sex with their partners…cool, I’ll give them their privacy and a box of condoms lol
I left OLD two years ago. Best decision of my life. It was the best time for me to heal, get to know myself and my improve myself.
Despite dating someone for three months, he wasn’t a good lover, because we were both each other’s first bf/gf. After the relationship ended, I learnt that I did have feelings for him, but he couldn’t reciprocate them back in a way that made me feel loved. Ultimately, it was why we broke up.
My advice is to not rush into things, and just find some rando to feel loved. The worse thing a women can do is seek affection from men; they have to be willing to give love to you unconditionally and willingly.
Also, instant attraction plays into this very well. Someone once told me that when meeting a person, you’ll know if you’ll like them in the first 30 seconds due to the pheromones released in the air. It’s not love at first sight, but a connection, or some kind of curiosity on both sides that makes both people talk to each other.
i don't think it's too late. men don't know how to be intimate with women, or treat us as human beings. so you're already better than them. i say keep your boundries and your high standards. a HVM will respect you and won't care that you're "old" and unexperienced. he will care about compatibility.
now, considering the current state of the dating scene for straight women, you're not missing out. i'm 34 too and never had a serious boyfriend. just men who used me for everything i could offer and gave me nothing but trauma.
my godmother is 80 and a virgin. she tells me "sweetie, if there is ONE thing i do not regret, it's to never have been with a man." - and being a woman with little sexual experiences myself, i agree with her.
I'm in the same boat as you. Sometimes I feel the same as you but honestly the vast majority of men are so LV it's better to stay single. A lot of men appear decent as they are good at hiding their flaws. The average guy is smart enough to hide personal traits such as porn addiction and a lack of hygiene.
Plenty of people date because they fear being single or want to fit in so their relationships are not as romantic as they claim. They claim to love their SOs a lot when the truth is they only see them as placeholders or don't even enjoy having sex with them.
A lot of people who are taken like to portray themselves to be in a loving relationship when that is not the case. Pick mes do this for status whereas LVM do this to portray themselves as a HV SO. I know men who openly talk about how much they love their SOs when they are actually emotionally cheating on the behind their back. All these couples who claim to be in a very happy relationship... I wonder how many of them are truly happy. It's hence pointless to compare yourself to people who are taken when you don't even know the dynamics of their relationships.
I've only had sex with 2 LVM in my life (both in LTR), I would trade that for my virginity in a heartbeat.
A HVM won't care. But be careful because some LVM might target you more if they knew you were a virgin cause they are nasty.
You're right to be cautions of OLD; high value hobbies are the best way to meet men, or meet high value women who can introduce you to high value men or help you vet.
I heard that golfing lessons is becoming a popular way to meet high value men
It will be too late if you do nothing though. Staying at home or only go out to do groceries and gym will be hard to find the right one because ppl usually don't go there to meet people. It can be scary but you need to find a way. I'd say do a dance class and attend a salsa party, engage in hobbies, visit Comic cons, or beaches.
Just look at the people you admire and try to be like that. Observe what they are doing and you don't. Just look at people who have many friends see what they are doing and imitate that.