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Deprogram your niceness and politeness. It will put a target on your back because it signals to predators that you are easy to walk all over or groom. Unfortunately we do not learn about predatory men, or men with personality and mental disorders in school or from family at home. Nobody respects, appreciate or values a person without boundaries.
I would highly encourage all FDS women to watch Dr Ramani's videos on YouTube about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You probably have a work colleague, classmate, partner or family who is an undiagnosed narcissist. It's an incredible resource on how to deal with them. Her videos genuinely helped me navigate some very difficult situations, especially because I did not know people who have NPD cannot feel empathy or be reasoned/ with. And the nicer you are to them, the more vitriolic they will be to you. Navigating relationships with these kind of people is completely different than navigating relationships with normal people. I often see very young women in their teens to early 20s being overly polite and nice. It's not their fault. They're socialised to be this way. I used to be like this. I was probably worse. I was an incredibly, painfully, pathetically polite people pleaser. I mistakenly thought making people happy and trying to keep the peace would keep me safe and happy. It did the complete opposite. I endured a lot of disrespect and abuse from extended family, fake friends used me to pay for everything when we went out. Worst of all, I attracted a diagnosed narcissistic man, who has been stalking and harassing me to this day. I was a massive pickme on top of all this. Younger women I am going to tell you my narcissist's words regarding why he "picked" me. He said "You were so polite, kind, easy -going and humble. You didn't brag about yourself and talk about the bullshit that all other women I went on dates with did. I mainly picked you because of two things. You were so beautiful why, should I lie, it's the first thing I noticed. But I was equally attracted to the fact that you were also so polite and didn't brag." I felt weird about him saying that even though I was a massive pickme at the time. You see ladies, I didn't realize at the time that my niceness and politeness and tolerance got me "picked" by a diagnosed narcissist who went from being Prince Charming for almost a year to Bluebeard, as soon as I fell for him.
(https://youtu.be/DrhPcVsiwhY)
Being too nice to men can you disrespected at best and killed at worst. I am lucky to be alive considering some of the situations he put me in. In my case being too nice got me subjected to blackmail, physical violence, 3 near death experiences, stalking, harassment, body shaming, depression, weight gain due to him manipulating me into eating all the time ( I was scared to offend him and say no to the food because he had a temper). He didn't let me sleep either. It derailed my whole life and I'm still picking up the pieces. I know my case sounds extreme. But there are other ways in which men can derail your life. I've had to take friends for abortions, they had been ditched /blocked by the men who got them pregnant. One of them is still trying to get her career back on track because being abandoned by a man she loved in this kind of circumstance sent her into deep depression. I used to think that my situation was unique. Until I found FDS and saw all the eerily similar dating stories that other women had. Don't be too nice. Call old scrotes out in public when they hit on you and if it's safe to do so, imply they're a pedophile so people around you can hear. If you're working retail or something similar and scrotes try to talk to take up too much of your time by flirting, tell them that you are busy. For the love of God stop being so nice. It will be the hardest thing you try to deprogram. But please do it. Because being nice can derail your life.
Ladies, especially older ladies, please feel free to add your words of wisdom/experiences. I think it can be very helpful to a lot of fds ladies, especially newcomers.
Excellent post. I’d like to add that the urge to be “nice” and polite is underscored by the need to be liked and accepted by everyone. Women need to understand that not only is this not possible it is also not desirable. What does it matter if a scrote disapproves of you? Why should anyone feel shame at being rejected by what is objectively a loser? The only people whose opinions I’ll pay attention to are people I also hold in high regard. I urge women to be judicious in who they give their energy and kindness to instead of expending their effort to be nice to strangers. The former will deepen worthy relationships while the latter will just leave you burnt out, taken advantage of and vulnerable to being targeted by malignant people.
I’m so sorry you had to endure all of that. I hope your stalker unalives himself. that is beyond stressful to deal with.
and yes, we are so brainwashed to be nice and accommodating even at the expense of our comfort and safety. I’ve attracted so many manipulative, narcissistic and abusive people who have mentally and physically harmed me on many levels but after reaching my breaking point, I refuse to put up with anymore bullshit
most people don’t deserve our precious time and energy anyway
You forgot helpful and accepting. You don't create friendships or more than that, you get freeloaders and hobosexuals. Being kind and helpful only helps in fictional stories but not in the real world.
I feel like you described my life. I had a similar situation with a narc ex. He even had the nerve to say I couldn't break up with him because I made him look good (I was cute back then).
I really needed to see this, thank you for the reminder <3 My entire life I've been conditioned to be a people pleaser and always cater to a guy's needs because I feel like I couldn't endure being "selfish" and wanting something for myself. I still struggle with this immensely. Growing up my Chinese mother (who has since apologized and I forgive her) was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive, and I felt like I couldn't have a normal childhood because I was so pressured to be perfect: thin, perfect grades, perfect personality, perfect TROPHY DAUGHTER in other words. I always feel like I have to "switch" personalities to feel likeable to everyone if that makes sense. If a guy pays for dinner, or spends money on me, my immediate reaction is to feel like I owe him something and I feel so guilty even though I know it's wrong. I can't be rude to guys because I feel severe anxiety and I feel like I'd rather completely disengage and ignore them rather than call them out (which is something I need to work on).
As early as eleven, I would look things up like "how to get fuller lips" "tutorial to get bigger eyes" I'd even search how to get blue eyes cause I thought they were prettier than my brown ones, and "how to get bigger breasts." I still feel the struggle to be the perfect female specimen and the "cool girl" but I have made TREMENDOUS progress. I wouldn't recognize my pick me ways from last year. Realizing why am I wasting my time catering to scrotes?? I read and reread the FDS handbooks. Are there slip ups? Sure. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite being a radical feminist but accidentally sliding back into my people-pleasing ways because it feels more comfortable and familiar. But part of levelling up is recognizing when we start going back to our pick me/LVW ways and get out of the habit as soon as possible.
I was always "The Good Girl" when I was growing up. I had no boundaries and was a major people-pleaser. I was shy and never stood up for myself. I had trouble being assertive, confident, and I was way too trusting. Now, in my 30s, I am working on dismantling The Nice Girl attitude because I've seen how it attracts people who take advantage of me. I'm also sensitive, empathetic, and have a vulnerability about me. I thought people had good intentions, but I've finally learned that I need to set boundaries, put my needs first, and protect myself. FDS is helping me with all of this. It's also helping me see men for who they are, not how I imagine them or want them to be. I'm so glad I finally woke up.
The Gift of Fear, an awesome guidebook to this.
Thank you for this post. I was literally told by a loser to my face that he would love to date me because I'm the easiest girl he ever met. "I can do anything and fuck up whenever and as much as i want, and you'd still be ok with it" He started claiming he's in love with me since 2016 and knows for a fact we will get married for sure. Even though he had a serious relationship for 4 years (2016-2020) while cheating on that poor woman with multiple women and bragging to me about it. Even though there are more details to this, he wasn't even more than a platonic friend to me. Tch. Of course there's always an abundance of these scrotes in our lives, and I'm so done with even talking about them now. Time to level up and move forward. :)
yep i had to learn the hard way to not see the good in these men unless it’s presented. i don’t want to hear about your trauma and sob stories about your ex. at the end of the day it’s a form of manipulation
I used to be very polite. I believed that I could solve my problems with honesty and kindness. This made my problems even more difficult. Eventually I started having nervous breakdowns and never tolerated every person who mistreated me. even to my father, with whom I had to live in the same house. (I even say because we have a history of hitting me and trying to stab me.) I showed them my tooth and deleted it from my life. but of course I couldn't erase my father. yet he never dared to treat me the same as before.
My traumas gave me anger control problems. to be honest i love it. I'm glad I don't have to be kind to the bad things I've been through. When I have a nervous breakdown, guys are horrified to see a cute girl turn into a maniac. ahahah
What your narcissist said is horrifying. I'm always wondering why I'm picked out when I am. What makes a stranger gravitate towards me? It never makes me feel good anymore. It makes me immediately wonder: why? I've been there with both men and women, where men have obviously just wanted sex, a pushover or someone to brag about and girls/women who've used me for one-sided emotional support in friendships. Nowadays, I try to avoid the people who choose me and watch and pick the people I want to talk to instead. I haven't dated enough to comment on my approach to men since I usually shut 99% of them down immediately, but it works when it comes to women. Just thinking about what I get from this early on and whether this person is worth my time helps a lot. Where I still struggle is in actual relationships once I'm already in them. I wish I could shut down my empathy but a button was turned on in my early 20s that I find difficult to turn off to my detriment. Ever since finding FDS, it's becoming so much easier.
HV people, men and women, will respect you no matter what. They might be put off by the desperation, but they will still respect you.
However, the vast majority of people will only give you exactly as much respect as you demand. If they feel like they can get away with trampling your boundaries, they will.
In a perfect world, you'd be surrounded by HV people and maybe can display vulnerability sometimes. But this isn't that world, so minimize the pain for you. Run at the first sign of disrespect.
Ugghhh. I am pained to admit how much I relate. My nice girl qualities are something I used to think were good qualities. If asked to describe myself I would have said things like ‘positive, easy going, hard working’. Now I can see how I was just advertising myself as a target for narcissist abusers. I am painfully working on undoing all my programming. I never tell my girls to be nice. I am celebrating and working on my resting bitch face and ‘doesn’t take any s***’ vibe.
I am very nice, until I sense someone poking at my boundaries or starting up some BS. Then they're in for a surprise 😈