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This is going to be a long and in-depth post, but I feel it's necessary. I want to share as many resources as possible.
I'm recovering from an intense limerent experience that plunged me into a breakdown. I've been ensnared in this torment for a couple of years now, and it's changed my life forever. I am making this post as a way to educate and help other women. I hope these resources are valuable, and I hope being more aware of this concept can give a name to what some of you have experienced or help a few of you stop limerence before it forms. Knowing the signs can empower you. This really has devastated my life. If I can help any woman, then it helps me bear my pain.
What is limerence?
The short, textbook definition is: "the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship."
In essence, limerence is a person addiction. It is not just a crush or infatuation; it's much more agonizing and all-consuming. You may feel a "lightning bolt" moment but barely know someone. The intensity might be overwhelming from the very beginning. Being with this person and interacting with him will literally give you a high that you become addicted to. You can develop intrusive and obsessive thoughts about him, and you desperately crave reciprocation from him. Your moods will start to be controlled by the other person's behavior. You'll feel euphoric highs followed by horrific lows--all based on how this person responds to you and treats you.
The Living with Limerence website has a more in-depth and complete definition of limerence here.
Three things are usually present in order for limerence to form: the glimmer, uncertainty, and vulnerability. The glimmer is an inexplicable attraction to another person. You may not even be able to articulate why you're drawn to him. Uncertainty can come in multiple forms. Maybe he lives far away, you only know him online, he is hot and cold or avoidant, you're unsure if he likes you back, you work together and can't pursue a relationship, etc. He is unavailable to you in some way. Lastly, you are usually in a vulnerable time in your life that makes you susceptible to developing limerence and getting addicted to the highs you receive when you're in contact with this person.
In many ways, limerence is a catastrophic mess to go through because multiple things are happening all at once. There is the addiction aspect of it that basically rewires your brain to want the reward of any kind of attention or reciprocation from the person you're limerent for. When you get any crumb from him, you'll feel a euphoric high. When he ignores you or you don't have contact with him, you're plunged into excruciating pain. You might feel out of control, debilitated, and unable to function. Then, there is the attachment aspect. I've read that many who develop limerence tend to have anxious attachment styles, and they get addicted to people with avoidant attachment styles. You develop an intense attachment to this person, and that makes it even more difficult for you to cut contact with him.
I also believe something that is at work in limerence is intermittent reinforcement. This is when a reward is given inconsistently and in unpredictable ways. Experiments have shown that if you give a reward in this way, the test subject becomes obsessed with the mechanism that releases the reward. Say you get intermittent attention from a man you've become limerent for. He throws you crumbs now and then, plays hot and cold. This can start activating the obsessive thoughts about him, going over all your interactions to figure out what caused him to show interest in the past so that you can do that again and maybe get the reward of his attention. Or you get intrusive thoughts and start wondering if he likes you at all. You go over everything he's said to you. It's very difficult to break out of this vicious, toxic cycle.
I want to emphasize that a stable, secure connection with someone will most likely not make you obsessive. If you are obsessing over a man, there is usually a reason. Some kind of uncertainty is present. He is being inconsistent, sending mixed signals, going hot and cold, or being avoidant. When you sense this happening, it's important to notice it and respect yourself enough to walk away. If I had noticed these signs, I truly believe I could have saved myself so much pain and heartbreak. You deserve someone who shows consistent interest in you. Deep down, I tolerated the breadcrumbs because I believed that's all I could get and all I deserved.
It's important to stress that much of limerence is happening inside your head. You are usually daydreaming and fantasizing about this person. You are using this daydreaming to escape your life and to soothe a deeper pain that you need to confront. The obsession might be distracting you from something you're unwilling to face. You might take certain things he does and exaggerate the meaning of them, thinking he secretly loves you and is obsessed with you and just doesn't want to show it. Limerence is like an altered state. You really are not yourself. Often, the person you're addicted to is avoidant. He most likely knows you are infatuated with him, and he might give you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but he never gives you enough. It's never a stable or secure connection. You feel more for this person than he does for you, and you know it. It keeps you in a constant state of anxiety.
It's essential to understand that your addiction to this person is about you and not him. It's about your unmet needs. You are seeking his attention and validation for a reason. The power of a limerent experience can be in the way it cracks you open and shows you what is missing in your life. Once you can identify those unmet needs, you can go to better sources to get them met. The person you are addicted to will NEVER meet your needs. He will never give you the love you are searching for. You will always remain starved for what he can't provide. Ultimately, limerence shows us how much we need to actually love ourselves first and also try to heal some wounds that are festering in our lives. It can inspire you to do inner work and to change your life for the better.
How to start recovering?
If you're going through limerence right now or trying to recover from it, remember there is hope. Here are a few essential steps that I had to take:
Acknowledge the reality
Accept that this is not love, this is addiction and obsession. This person does not love you. This person is not your soul mate. This person is not even that extraordinary. He only generates a feeling of euphoria because he gives you attention or affection inconsistently. What are you telling yourself about the relationship, and what is the reality? If you feel a deep, spiritual connection to someone, what exactly is that connection--that intense feeling--based on in reality? What are this person's words, and what are his actions? Do they match? Is this connection enhancing your life? No, it's most likely causing you deep emotional torment. You will never make this person love you. You will never earn his love. You should never have to earn love. Acknowledge the reality, and then make the choice to no longer let the addiction rule your life.
Go no contact
I had to learn this one the hard way, but I fully advocate for it if it's possible. Unfollow and even block on social media. Stop speaking to him. Cut him out. Ending contact also ends the intermittent reinforcement that is most likely controlling your life. You're on the hamster wheel. You're just living for that one time he likes a post or responds to a text days or weeks after you sent it. You are chained to that desire for the dopamine hit. Going no contact shuts it off, and you can start to heal.
Find purpose
For many people, limerence is life-changing. It can cause so much havoc and destruction--just like any addiction--but it can also wake you up. You can take this experience to better yourself and level up. When you hit rock bottom and get so desperate for a person to fulfill you, you know something is deeply wrong with your life. Re-evaluate everything. Live more intentionally and with more purpose. Search for a deeper meaning. I even got spiritual.
Learn the lessons
It's easy to beat yourself up for becoming obsessed with someone and getting addicted to them. Learn what you can from the experience because I promise you there are so many lessons. Forgive yourself, too. A big lesson I learned is to never put my worth in someone else's hands, and to not seek wholeness or fulfillment through a man.
Work on addictive behaviors
Limerence forced me to confront the depths of my own addictive tendencies. The coping skills I've developed in the process of overcoming this limerence have helped me work on other addictive behaviors. I can get addictive about food, shopping, and even social media. I've started to track my habits and work on breaking bad habits.
Get to know yourself
What I realized through my limerent experience was that I was totally disconnected from myself. I did not listen to my intuition about the person I became limerent for. I knew from the beginning he didn't reciprocate my feelings. He was avoidant and inconsistent. I pursued him. I kept our connection going and surrendered to my obsession. I did anything I could to keep getting the reward I so desperately needed. I was in a very low point in my life, and I knew nothing about FDS. My inner voice told me something was wrong, that things were not reciprocated, that he didn't really care about me or feel for me what I felt for him. And I just kept right on staying in contact with him, taking the breadcrumbs, tolerating the inconsistency, and living with overwhelming anxiety and depression. I wasn't listening to myself or honoring myself, and that had to change. Now, I journal my feelings, I listen to my intuition, and I use tarot to tap into my unconscious. I never want to get ensnared in limerence again. As soon as I can tell a guy isn't interested or is stringing me along or doing intermittent reinforcement, I hope to run for the hills.
Resources
Books
Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov
Living With Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten by Dr. L
The Limerent Mind by Lucy Bain
Twenty Disastrous Limerence Errors by Lucy Bain
Overcoming Unwanted and Intrusive Thoughts by Sally Winston
Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession by Lisa Phillips
Obsessive Love by Susan Forward
Videos
"Limerence: What is it and How Do We Let it Go?" by Heidi Priebe
The Self-Compassion Channel by Fenna van den Berg
Websites
Social Media
Healingloveresource on Instagram
Self-Care (these are things that have helped me)
Connect to spirituality even if it's just nature (I've connected to feminist spirituality, which I may share more about one day)
Lean on your friends, find a sense of love and connection beyond just romantic love
If you're comfortable with it, have a friend be an accountability partner so that you maintain no contact
Know that you are worthy of a reciprocated, secure, stable, and loving relationship with a man. Do not settle for, or tolerate, anything less. Do not convince yourself you can be casual or stay unattached. Do not get into situationships.
Take up new hobbies, find new passions, center yourself
Nourish your mind, body, heart, soul, and spirit
I know peoppe say Limerance but it's actually called Love Addiction and I suffered from this since I was a child. I was recently triggered by it as well. People need to take this shit seriously.
Since first finding this amazing post, I’ve delved into the Living With Limerence (LwL) site you suggested. So helpful! And there is an unintended side benefit from reading in the comments sections: clarity in trusting that most men suck, and we are best off loving ourselves. 🙌
Just hearing from all the married cheating pornsick husbands who are limerent for their work wives and random women they used to know who have leveled up and ghosted them, while admitting their wives are great and they shouldn’t be feeling this way. Delusional dudes. Schadenfreude! 🤡
I almost escaped this feeling and then didn’t. I wish I had never experienced it.
In my 20s the thought of a marriage or long term man in my life had never even occurred to me and I thought I couldn’t have children anyway so it didn’t affect me when I didn’t have either of those desires, for a partner nor child.
then at 32 I got pregnant with a man I had been with 3 years but didn’t feel strongly for, but I thought that was my sign and a “miracle baby” and then our partnership ended right after, because of him beginning to treat me badly when I was pregnant then cheating as well.
then at 36-BAM outta nowhere when I was minding my business and being happy, I met someone who seemed like a guy I didn’t before think even existed. He seemed like my dream man, only the small signs came out after a few months and then over three years things gradually got worse(then suddenly 2 years in after moving in together) and I also lost my mind after finding out he was faking it the whole time, felt like a cruel trick from the universe.
he somehow knew how to seem like someone I would have built out of my dreams down to very small details of us having seemingly had some specific similar life experiences.
I’m not even into the conventionally attractive man and have very specific preferences, both looks and personality wise, so it seemed like a fate thing. I was so obsessed and then so heartbroken when he became abusive and switched up who he was as a person completely on me.
thanks for sharing this. I still feel silly for being what I used to consider to be past the age of vulnerability to this phenomenon.
I feel more lonely having met that partner than before I met him. it’s like a hole wasn’t there before that he specifically created. Fds has helped a lot with learning to cope, but i still have anger about having met him when I would have been better off if I had not.
I thought I was the only one struggling with this. I’m happy more people know about it it nowadays. My episodes are very intense and they usually last for years. Often as long as 5 years. I have not been able to solve this yet but I am hopeful that I am making some progress with EMDR therapy and transcendental meditation both of which are helpful to processes trauma. There is a lot of published research on both, and they are somewhat similar in a weird way.
Great article. My last limerent episode happened earlier this year for a guy that I worked with. It was soul-crushing when he mentioned having a fiance after we knew each other for over half a year. You're absolutely right. The highs are euphoric, but the lows are horiffic to experience. But the experience did make me stronger. Tbh I think I am going through very early stages of limerance again for yet another guy I am working with, but I am consciously and continuously reminding myself of the facts, and so far I'm okay. But yeah, I'm terrified of the possibility of going through another extreme episode.
Thank you. Last week you mentioned this and Neurosparkle in one of your comments and you opened up a world for me. I read both books by LucyBain in the past week. Honestly eye opening. This should be part of the FDS "training". Think of all the women here that ask about "crushes".
I'm also reading about trauma bonds as I think my episode is more on that side, since it wasn't entirely a "fantasy relationship" but an actual one that my ex would try to keep ambiguous at the cost of my sanity. However there's a lot of overlap between the two (ie.addiction, intermittent reinforcement, unmet needs) and I've definitely always been limerent prone, even though without the trauma bond I always controlled it quite well. But it's eye opening to see why it happens, what does it mean, how much it costs you and what to do about it.
I particularly liked the theory of seeing the limerent object as a gateway to understanding your unmet needs. Truly powerful stuff that gave me major insights. It reminded me a bit of a video I once saw by Teal Swan where she said that attraction is created by wanting to "re-own" parts of you that you disowned. Once you own it, it vanishes. I revaluated my history through this lens and I believe this to be true. We should also be inquisitive about our attraction to men. It might be that on a strange level.. we want to BE them, rather than be with them. Or at least we need something that they provide, that we should procure in other ways.
Thank you for your precious advice!
This was definitely me in my 20s and 30s. Not so much in my 40s anymore. Thank god.
This is master post worthy and should be in the handbook. Love it.
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that a woman having a crush or an obsession with a man is extremely unnatural. It just isn't right. And I think it has to do with the fact that, in reality and deep down for all girls and women, we are seriously not attracted to at least 80%-90% of the male population. It's not even because most men are trash nowadays, but the fact that in a biological sense, we know it in our bones with whom we are supposed to mate with for life.
Girls have been shamed during their pubescent years because they don't "give nice guys a chance" and for how many times they're rejected boys over the years. There are memes being curated that the girl who rejected the nice guy in high school ends up becoming a lonely, ugly single mom in her 30s-40s and begs him to take her back. That she never knew what she had before it was gone.
But biologically and logically speaking, it is super duper NORMAL for you, a female, to find most males off putting and unappealing in a romantic and sexual setting. We are supposed to be choosy because the mate we choose can either give us (and our offspring) a very good life, or a horrific life, with the male usually leaving the family to suffer in poverty and what not. So of course the girl or woman has to reject most men, because most men don't even fucking care about her deep down. They just want a nut and to leave in the morning. We don't have all the time in the world to fuck around when a lot of us dream of having a family in the near future. We can't say yes to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that asks us out.
With all the social shaming and programming, we now have all these "down bad" girls who throw themselves at guys who never showed any interest in her to begin with. We now have women who act like clowns with men who don't love her at all. We have women who make up every single excuse in the world as to why the man she loves treats her so badly, or is so distant, or alternates between her and other women.
If only we respected Mother Nature, and if only we respected the natural female sexuality enough to let us choose with the men we believe are perfect for us, and our future offspring if motherhood is what we desire. Now look at the dating world. We're seeing a switch up and now its men who are being chased instead of the other way around. What a mess.
I completely cut off contact of any sort (like social media, where I'd see him) and things got better. Sometimes you have to go full burnt-bridge method.
I became limerant over a guy in college who’d pretended to like me so that he could use my notes from class. He ended up being homosexual and not even into women. Lol. Joke’s on me. I finally just stopped speaking to him after it became very clear he didn’t actually like me and that he was just using me for my brains. Twenty years later, one of his friends told me, “Ryan always liked you,” and I just chuckled. One thing I learned was that it did me no good to have a crush on a man, let him prove that he likes you, and don’t let yourself imagine how great things would be with him. If he’s not with you proving that he likes you, he doesn’t like you.
Thank you for creating such a high quality post with additional resources!
I have found that many times I enter limerence when I don’t have anything positive going for me or I am in a high stress situation. You’re spot on about how limerence is about thinking someone can fill a void in your life when they really can’t. Reflecting now, I think maybe all my childhood crushes were really just limerence. Did anyone else feel that way?
Some things that help me distance myself are: doing something that makes me use my brain and body like exercise, cleaning, or knitting, and going through my oracle card deck and picking out cards that describe the void I think he’s filling, then journalling with the cards as the prompt.
Ugh I needed this in college with my on and off again boyfriend ( guess that's where the uncertainty comes into play). Randomly saw him recently and that feeling came back briefly ( then I came back to reality). It really was like a drug addiction.
Oh gawd! A former friend of mine, Nickki, who def had uber-pickme vibes could have used this resource. A grown @$$Ed woman in her mid 30s who would zero in on a man (who often didn't even know she existed) and spend the next 6 months obsessing over him. When she finally was told either nicely that he's not into you or more nastily to go f-off, so would then descend into a comatose depression.
Any time I or other of her friends would try to get her to question this self destructive spiral she would huffily tell us "it's a love like no other" - as if she had been the sole person in the world to experience love (or more accurately, limerance). The rest of her friends slowly distanced themselves from this wreck of a woman. We went on with our careers, our passions, building businesses and wealth, and making space in our life for worthy men. Nikki bounced from job to job as she misdirected her anger at her romantic disappointments at unsuspecting colleagues.
Nikki now earns a pittance at an entry level paralegal job (despite hold a law degree and a bar qualification), lives in a cramped efficiency in an unsafe part of town, and in her own words never leaves her apartment on weekends! She has never made any real friends in her community, and will never own her own home.
I use her story as a warning to my younger female friends and relatives as to why you vet like hell the men who you let intoyour life.
I'm just coming out of this nightmare. This is extemely helpful. Thank you.
Great content! 👏🏻👏🏻 thank you for taking the time to write that and link all the sites 💕💕 I had something very similar with my ex (it seems that here I can find examples of his behaviour with every post, what was I thinking!!!) his unavailability triggered my obsession, I remember feeling anxious all day until he texted, it would determine my mood for the day, during TWO YEARS no wonder some friends told me now I seem like a different person, way more relaxed and confident. I love this community 😌
This post is absolute gold. I have struggled with intense crushes and fantasy situations myself in the past and it is an issue which still rears its head from time to time, albeit nothing like to the same extent that it did before. Awareness of what’s going on and why is absolutely key in stopping it before it gathers momentum...and of course, checking in to see what’s really going on underneath. Thank you, sis.
Edited to add: I also think that limerance can be a defense mechanism of sorts. It’s a way of having a ’relationship‘ - even if it takes place only within the confines of your own head - whilst at the same time risking nothing. For anyone who has been badly hurt, neglected or traumatised in the past, it therefore seems like a ‘safe’ way of engaging without ever having to be properly vulnerable.
Amazing post ! After my limerent episode, I re-evaluated everything. It was a life changing experience for sure. It woke me up to how badly I was taking care of myself, how hurtful I was to myself. That is why it is important not to beat yourself up too much. Because being limerent is as you said, all about having unmet needs. Limerence is a symptom of the lack of care and connection that you have with yourself. Thank you for the ressources. To double down the Living With Limerence website helped me during my limerence as well.
Oof. My ex was a recovered (recovering ?) alcoholic and fits this description. Sometimes it felt like I was his new addiction. He was so obsessed with getting attention, affection, and validation from me and it would make him really anxious. Thank you for this post, it opened my eyes about a lot!
This is such an important topic that affects many women. Thank you for taking the time to write this.
I have also read that limerence is correlated with low serotonin levels (I do wonder whether it is a manifestation of OCD). Just a thought for the ladies who many need to get their neurotransmitters flowing through those other activities you mentioned (exercise, hobbies, friendships, etc).
This post would have saved my life 20 years ago. Instead I went though and came clean from something I would compare unfavorably to heroin addiction. Everything you wrote is 100% accurate. The only thing I would add is I believe this is a spiritual disorder. It’s possession. I have a lot of reasons for saying that. I accidentally deleted my previous comment in which I described why I say that. And I don’t want to rewrite it because I know how strange that must sound. But also because it was mainly about the revenge campaign I was driven to once I woke up. You know what they say about revenge: before you start on that path dig two graves. OP, this is a truly valuable post you contributed.