Why you should NEVER go 50/50 on a date: Breaking down the most common arguments (Part 7)

Strap in for a really loooooong ride because this one hits very close to home - I was literally this woman before I found FDS. Here we go!

"I am a strong and independent woman who earns my own money/earn more than the guy"

OR

"I am financially secure, what's wrong with paying my half? I don't need a man to pay for me - I am not a gold digger!"

OR

"Society has put too much pressure on the man to pay for everything - they deserve to be treated well too!"

OR

"We are both adults making our own money, plus I like meeting new people so going dutch allows me to enjoy the date with no pressure or feeling awkward"

OR

"Having a man pays me makes me look like a pathetic damsel in distress/helpless vulnerable woman/weak - I am not that! I am a go-getter, I get shit done, I am strong - I can pay for myself!"

OR

"I am a feminist and I believe in equal rights between men and women so we all should equally pay in date too!"

OR - you get the idea. I don't think the label "pickmeisha" accurately describe this type - at least not for me because strictly speaking I wasn't desperate for men - I was desperate for the recognition and respect that men get in our patriarchal society - the easiest way to describe it is that I want to be treated like how society treats men - specifically, privileged white men.

I like the term used by Youtuber Chloe_ - a Masculine-energy dominant woman or Masculina; the type of woman who relies heavily on her masculine energy to maneuver this male-dominated system.

Without going too much into the jargons, I would describe a Masculina as the Do-er and Giver;

- your reliable leader, no-nonsense boss who get shit done and very goal focused,

- multitasking champion who seemingly have everything going for her while juggling a millions things at the same time,

- the one that loudly and sternly speaks up and argue to get what she wants,

- the combative debater who tell it like it is, the one who isn't afraid to challenge men and the authority,

- the one that will take care of her tribe,

- the one that gives and keep on giving, the one that protects and lead and steer the wheel,

- the one that decides and going right into the problem-solving mode, the one that plans and have backup plans and have backup plans for her backup plans

- think Oprah, Michele Obama, Selena Williams, Queen Elizabeth, Princess Anne

- the toughest most respected woman you know, the iron maiden,

- the single mother who carried her entire family on her back, the breadwinner matriarch.

Not to be confused with masculine-looking woman, Masculina can either look tomboyish or very womanly, but it is how she acts, how she thinks and how she carry herself that differentiates her from a Feminine-energy dominant woman.

Or you might be more familiar with the toxic Masculina - aka the Karens;

- the one who walks into a room and pretty much want to control everything and everyone,

- the one that demands you follow her orders or else,

- the one that gets ultra defensive and aggressive even over the pettiest of shit and immediately gets into heated argument anytime, anywhere,

- the one that always want to dominate every conversation and situation - and gets mega-pissed when things don't go her way,

- the bossy karens who can never calm TF down.

My breakdowns this time will be entirely from my own personal experience, so whether you want to agree or not it is entirely up to you - there's no right or wrong here, just why I decide to no longer be a Masculina based on my personal journey.

BEFORE FDS: How I became a Masculina

1) I had to grow up and acting mature way too early because of my environment

• It is the classic story - poor family, oldest daughter, I had to step up when the younger siblings came along and forced to mature beyond my years.

• Also relatives on both side are shitty and bully us as the poorest, so I developed that ultra-protective instinct and be on high alert whenever there are family gatherings.

• I am one of those gifted child - acing in school with minimal help so the adult didn't even bother covering their hostility (it is an asian thing, academics competition is vicious) - they wanted to crush me - so I had to vigilantly protect myself by relying on my masculine energy.

• I grew up to be that no-nonsense, leadership-candidate young girl who was all about solving problems and moving to the next thing. I mean when you are poor, you really didn't have the luxury to sit down and talk your hearts out - it was all about solving one problem and immediately face the next because the problems never end.

• I train myself to be okay with not asking for more - I am okay with not having new clothes because my younger siblings needed them more, okay with just enough allowance to eating once a day, okay with leftovers from friends - I learn to adapt and to be unfazed by them.

• I stopped myself from feeling shame and being embarrassed because: a) I get into embarrassing situations almost everyday and feeling shameful that frequently was exhausting, and b) those feelings won't help me deal with my situations.

• I also experienced a lot of betrayals so I stopped trusting people, asking for help, relying on people, hoping that people will be kind to me, reaching out, being vulnerable - and just 100% rely only on myself. That way I won't get hurt by anyone and anything.

• Also people often had hidden intentions when they helped me so I became paranoid of asking for and getting any help.

2) Being a Masculina gives me the power, immediate respect and freedom that I've never experienced before - it is like putting on a Superhero suit

• Do you know that feeling of ecstasy when you say something, and people around you nodding their head, saying "you are right SayNad, we should do it that way," and people just follow your orders without a question?

• When you grew up poor and a girl - you were invisible and people expect you to just shut up. So growing with this Masculina suit gives me so much power high that I became addicted to it.

• I finally get to have a say in things, and when I lead and get the shit done - the more people seemingly flock around me, praise me, respect me, seek me out for advice and help. As a teenager, that's like the biggest gift ever. I felt important.

• That's how it turns into me wanting to always dominate the space, feeling like I am right 90% of the time, extremely and irrationally ashamed when I made even the tiniest mistake, and I get irritated easily.

• My teenage and young adult years were just me in a emotional roller coaster every day - I was either chasing after the high of respect and praises, or I suffer the inner turmoil of shame and anxiety because "I should've done it better! Why did I make such a stupid mistake!"

• Also the downside of being the "badass getting shit done" and the "one that knows it all" is that people are comfortable letting me do all the work while they stayed back and be the cheering squad. I let them be because I wanted the result to be "perfect" - so I had to do it myself.

• That led me into carrying the most load in any group projects, sacrificing my sleep and health while everybody else got to put their name on it.

• There are a few people who had enough empathy try their best to help me - but me being in my adrenaline overdrive ended up raging and yelling at them for not doing it "perfectly".

• And yeah, other people had put an impossible standard on me - they see me as that tough, take no shit, get them done, knows how to solve young girl that will save the day.

• So when I make a mistake, even a teeny tiny one - they act like I just commit genocide. While other people can do even bigger mistakes but they get away all happy and dandy.

• I feel wronged but I blamed myself because I believe that impossible standard was what I should be - so I keep putting in more efforts to be better.

• This leads to even more working and even less resting. And I get ultra-defensive when someone points out my mistake or try to give me any advice.

• That's how I started getting sick almost every month and developing several diseases due to extreme stress. It was just like I am in a constant state of fight-or-flight.

• That's around the time I finally reached my breaking point - and discover FDS.

EARLY YEARS OF FDS: I reached my breaking point

1) I worked for a narcissistic boss

• Around that time I ended up working with a narcissistic boss, stayed with her for 4 years because my Masculina ass was like "No big deal, I can handle this."

• My former workmates all only stayed for 6 months max and warned me about her, but I was still in that Masculina pride and thought they were all weak.

• BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER! She wrung me so, sooo dry I developed insomnia, weekly migraine, carpal tunnel, and a throat problem. At the end of that forth year - I was just so burned out and exhausted, I didn't have the energy to feel anything.

• One thing led to another - and I ended up in a somewhat homeless situation where I had no money, no strength, no energy and I just really don't want to even think about solving problems anymore - I was just done. So so done.

• I turned to God (or inner self for my non-religious sisters) and just... surrender I guess. I was burning TF out and I gave up. I asked God to just help me, make all of this make sense, why did this happen after all the struggle I endure, the work I did, the efforts I put in - why wasn't I happy? Do I not deserve to be happy? - I let all of it go, surrender and put my faith in whatever God's plan for me.

• That was also around the time I spend more time on reddit and one thing led to another - I found FDS. Can't even remember how exactly, but before I realize it I was reading all the posts.

2) It was hard at first to accept FDS's Dating Standards

• I agree wholeheartedly with vetting the low value men and not give them any chances - but when it comes to how you treat the man, I just couldn't wrap my head around letting him pay all the expenses while you just sit back and receive.

• My Masculina mindset was big on that "everything should be fair, so we have to share the burden" so thinking that letting the man doing all the work sounded unfair.

• It also didn't help that in every movies, dramas and books - if a woman apply the FDS standards during the date, she is either the gold digger, the evil rich fiancée, the opportunist marriage-breaker, the superficial side chick etc. Basically, she is evil.

• It was hard to imagine how this date would go nicely - how can you just let the man pay without it looking like you took advantage of him?

• Also I was projecting the image of my struggling father struggling on these men, so I just don't have the heart to let them pay.

• There's also the mindset that since I can do the thing and solve the problem - I don't want to trouble him. Miss independent yo - if I can handle the drill and mow the lawn, why should I ask him? I am not "lazy"!

• Even if he turns out to be the highest value HVM that want to provide for me and get me anything I want - my "fair and just" side just couldn't accept that.

• So honestly for a year or two on this sub, I believe in FDS's principle to prioritize myself even in a relationship, but still on the fence about the dating standards.

3) I notice the talk about Femininity and Masculinity on this sub, and started getting curious

• Growing up as a Masculina, for me "being feminine" just means being a weak doormat. I was surrounded by married pickmeisha doormats and I saw how horrible their husbands and in laws treat them - and they in turn become nasty and horrible towards younger women like me.

• While "being masculine/ being a man" is equated with all the power and greatness and coolness - I too had that phase where I wish I was born as a man instead.

• The rare times that I do meet seemingly happy couple, the woman always are highly educated, comes from a rich family, and have a high-paying job. So I thought that's what I should do if I want to have a happy marriage.

• But as I grew up, getting higher education and working in the higher education circle - I discovered that these "happily married men with high paying jobs and a similarly educated working wife" are very holier-than-thous and seem comfortable making their wives paying half the bills but doing 100% of the housework and childcare.

• The lot of them look very kind and knowledgeable on the outside - but on the closer look they are very insecure and easily offended.

• So understandably I got very confused - what on earth is a real masculine man, and what is a real a feminine woman?

• What does a HVM really looks like? How about a HVW? At this point I am totally on the single-for-lifer train so I start researching on true femininity and masculinity just to satisfy my curiosity.

• I started listening to SheraSeven, The Universe Guru, and recently Chloe_, Chengi's World, Dr. Michelle Daf and Breeny Lee.

• I learned about this thing called Role Reversal - basically in a romantic relationship, the woman takes the role of the pursuer, provider, giver etc. (aka the "male" role) while the man gets to be the one receiving, being pursued, being the prize etc. (aka the "female" role).

• It makes me realize how normalized this role reversal relationship is in our modern society. It is not weird anymore to see the wife leading the marriage and controlling everything while the man passively sits back, being lazy playing with his phones and being catered to. People around me just accept that that's how it is but it always feel weird and unnatural to me for some reason.

• Upon further research, I discover the concept of masculine and feminine energy and while it sounds a little woowoo - it does explain why I feel uncomfortable and weirded out about this seemingly "normal" role-reversal relationship.

• Even as a Masculina, I can't accept that I have to be the one pursuing - that's just not right!

• I understand the urges of Masculinas to tell their man how it should be done etc. because we want the shit done right, and sometimes those men be testing our patience with the way they do things so we feel like we have to take over otherwise it won't be done - but doing that means the man got to be passive and let us do all the damn bloody works all the damn bloody time? Nope, I draw the line there. No way.

• At this point I realize something has to change, otherwise my Masculina will be the my downfall.

AFTER 3 YEARS OF FDS: Why I decide to stop being a Masculina and fully embrace my femininity

1) I realize I attracted Feminine-energy dominant Men as a Masculina

• During my Masculina years, I noticed that I attracted a very specific type of men - Feminine-energy dominant Men. I call this type Feminina.

• A healthy HVM who is in tune with his feminine energy can be the best well-rounded man you will ever see - an empathetic leader, a creative goal-driven provider, a strict yet calming father.

• However, Feminina often ends up embodying only the toxic traits. I suspect laziness and too much "boys will be boys" coddling are part of the reasons.

• Feminina is your typical LVM/NVM/ZVM scrotes but with an added characteristic - they seemingly want to be the "woman" in the relationship and fully onboard on making you the "man".

• This is your whiny can-you-be-my-mummy-but-also-give-me-sex manchild, gigolos for hire, the highly insecure the-world-is-too-cruel-on-me-wahh complainers, the one that gets jealous of us because "Women have it sooooo easyyyyyy", the I-want-to-be-coddled-and-spoiled-too-pay-for-me!!!, the passive ones who have no drive or goals and content with just drifting by all day, the mummy's boy etc.

• Basically if he seems very jealousy of you as a woman and complain about we living on "easy mode", and try to "take you down a peg or two" at every turn, and just want to take, take, take - chances are he is a Feminina.

• It is that jealousy and that eagerness to compete with me, sizing me up and asking me to prove my worth to him, whining and complaining about why can't he can't get the same treatment as women, pouting and sulking when he doesn't get what he want.

• But when in the presence of higher male authority or genuine masculine men - Feminina seemingly just shrink down and start ass-kissing. "Bros before hoes" anyone?

• One dude even told me "If I am a woman I will definitely be a better lover because I know how to please a man" - which yeahhhh it was weird. I was like "uhhh you have something else to tell me?"

• One great explanation about this phenomenon is How is the Feminine Male Formed? and here's how to spot a feminine man.

• Andd you guess it - this is the type that I found very, veryyyyy onboard with the 50/50 "female empowerment!!!" date. Hell, he won't even mind you pay 100% - he is very happy to take everything you give.

• I guess this is why they say opposites attract when it comes to relationship - because when one side is the giver, one has to be the receiver. There must be a yin to the yang.

• So when a Masculina gets into the relationship ready to give and take lead, of course they will attract Feminina who is happy to take and wants to be led.

• And here's the thing: I DON'T WANT TO BE THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!

• Yeah, I am capable of that but WHY THE FRICK DO I HAVE TO DO THAT???

• I don't want to be the one doing the pursuing, the one planning, the one seeking out, the one deciding, the one dragging him out, the one worrying - I have been that my entire life growing up, I don't be that in a relationship too! I am not his Goddamn parent!

• And I definitely don't want to pay for something I am being asked out for - I put aside time in my precious schedule for you - and you want me to pay? That's rude and downright insulting.

• If I want to go out and pay for something I will go out ALONE - I prefer tranquility and silence while dining.

• Believe it or not, male company is something I tolerate, not something I will lose my mind over. Feminina lovess to act like his presence is the savior of mankind or something and you better be groveling with thankfulness he wants to grace you with his presence - yeah, keep dreaming dude.

• And that pouting and sulking? That ain't cute, that's disgusting. You are not 5 FFS.

• There's also those chronically insecure men drowning in their toxic masculinity that try to intimidate, neg, compete, and instead of celebrating my achievements, start getting jealous and try to diminish me and propping his mediocre self up.

• And it is not just a stranger get pissy pissy, it is a man who is supposedly trying to woo me. I mean just how insecure are you that you start attacking the instance you know the woman has something good going on? That gets my ovaries shrink in record time. And he still dare to ask for my number, ugh.

• He is all about performative masculinity - expensive fast cars, watches (?), smoking/vaping, being with the "gang", newest sneakers, talking over you when he isn't even part of the conversation (??), suddenly bragging and humblebragging unprompted, and whatever else cringe-y acts they do to show off.

• They equate those acts with being a "real man" but seriously, they just look desperate and trying too hard, it is weird.

• These men are just so catty, so gossipy, so jealousy, so insecure, so fragile, so whiny, so drama-filled so-- I just can't deal. I give up, I can't.

2) I realize that I probably repel High Value Masculine Men

• One of the non-negotiable standard I have for a man is that he must have an extremely strong instinct as a protector. He must be able to protect his family when disaster/crime occurs.

• The closest portrayal of that type I can find is Ben Taylor in San Andreas. While The Rock is the epitome of machoism and toughness and all that - it is Ben's immediate protectiveness switch turned on the second disaster hits, and not only for a woman he just met but also his brother, protecting them both with his whole body that gives me the butterflies. That's a man's man for me.

• And I also realize this is what I desire so much because this is what my masculine energy is like!

• As a Masculina my number one principle is that I am very protective of those I cared for and is ready at any moment to shield them from harm's way.

• So in a way, I instinctively know what kind of masculine energy I am looking for - now I need to bring forth my feminine energy so that I can be found. I don't need to pursue, but I do need to come out from my hiding place.

• But if I'm still in my Masculina - it probably wouldn't work out even if I found him because masculine energy and masculine energy will clash.

• He would want to protect me - that means he would want to lead the relationship but my Masculina pride will feel like he is trying to control and boss me around.

• A healthy loving relationship can't be formed if we both are fighting for the captain's role.

• A sister interestingly note that she finds it unacceptable when a man feels emasculated if a woman pays for the date.

• But here's the thing - if he doesn't feel emasculated when the woman pays for the date, he won't feel emasculated when the woman pays for the bills, won't feel emasculated when the woman becomes the breadwinner, won't feel emasculated when asking the woman to lend him money or support his lifestyle - but will feel emasculated when the woman rightfully tell him what to do since she leads the relationship - because he is still a man with ego.

• And that feeling will grow into deep raging resentment and that's how you find celebrities with amazing gorgeous successful wife cheating with the babysitter or the hooker.

• Every man, even HVM by design have ego - in a healthy way, that ego exists in the form of a man's pride. That ego and pride is what propelling him to achieve his goals and do what's right. Without a man's pride, you pretty much have a "whatever you say honey" guy that have no opinion and backbone, he just go along with whatever you say and do whatever you want him to do.

• I want a man that prided himself on his ability to be able to protect and provide for me and his future kids. I want him to feel proud when he see me happy because he spoils me. I want a man that feels proud when he can be a great masculine example for his children. I want a man who feels proud when he is able to satisfy my needs and desire in all forms.

• I want a man who is proud he can be the masculine to my feminine.

• And I realized staying in my Masculina will not make that wish comes true - I have to change and be brutally honest with myself.

3) I realize that the fate awaiting me if I continue being a Masculina and ending up with a Feminina is pretty much hell on earth

• It is already happening around us and I'd say, pretty much normalized now that women is forced to be the Masculina and do all the work while paying 50% and more of the bills, while the men happily being the Feminina and get catered to 24/7. I mean a man moving into a woman's place after starting the relationship and smooching off her is normal nowadays!

• That's 50/50 date thing is not just a one-time thing - that is the beginning to a very bleak, exhausting and unhappy future should you choose to marry that man.

• Don't just listen to me tho since I never married and have limited dating experience - listen from women who have been through it all for years. Here's a real life experience I found from a commentor on Chloe_ 's video Life With a BROKE MAN: The 50/50 Scam!

• Besides, nothing kills attraction faster than a man who keeps tabs on everything and reminding me I need to "pay my share" for this and that, always insisting on "proving my worth" because he "doesn't want to be an atm machine", always questioning what I "bring to the table" - I mean am I on a date or on an audition? If you don't like me then don't seek me out, why are we wasting both our times here?

• A man that is so used to 50/50 relationship, will NEVER want to step up and cover 100% when something happens to you - we have seen it and heard of it, many women got left behind when they suffer diseases or unable to cover their 50% share. Why suffer when they can just find a new playmate?

4) I am tired, I am exhausted, I burned out. I can no longer carry myself in this Masculina role.

• The plain truth is - this superhero suit is a burden. I may get the power and the praises and the attention wearing it and saving everyone - but at the end of the day walking back to my empty apartment, all I want to do is lay down and sleep until the next century.

• After 20++ years of wearing this Goddamn suit, I realize that it is not who I am. I don't flourish from wearing it, I am being depleted. I simply don't have enough testosterones to keep doing this.

• Every time I need to be a Masculina, I am not drawing strength from a continuous supply, I am drawing it from a generator meant for use in emergency only.

• I am still lucky I at least get some rest after I'm done working - but imagine it would be in a relationship?

• I seriously don't know how those women who took on the man's role in marriage stay sane. It is an extremely exhausting role that our body isn't equipped to handle. Feminists can yell "man and woman can do the same!" all they want, but my own body can't lie to me. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am burning TF out and I am done.

• Doesn't mean that I want to completely remove this Masculina suit and turn into a fully submissive trad wife - NO. But I want to work smart, not hard.

• This Masculina suit has its purpose, but I don't want to do it the old way where it pretty much eats up the majority of my time. I want to use it only when needed, and be able to put it away and fully relax and have fun when I don't need to be in my masculine energy.

• And I definitely don't want to go into dates and relationship with the Masculina suit because it will bite me in the ass, hard.

5) By embracing my femininity, I finally found peace.

• I still at the very beginning of my feminine journey and still can't fully embrace it because I had been a Masculina pretty much my entire living life.

• But I notice how relaxing it is to not be able to worry anymore about solving other peoples' problems and whenever I make mistakes - I just let it pass over me and relax.

• I no longer worry about being too lazy, don't have superb "wifey" skills at my age - I just do what I want when I want and relax.

• I don't get too hard on myself whenever I don't do anything productive that day - I can relax.

• I don't care anymore about other people's opinions and their standards on me - I just do things that makes me happy and gets me where I want.

• And that translated into me not tolerating scrotes being rude - he gets the death stare and the interaction ended immediately.

• I don't worry anymore about being "polite", if he doesn't know how to behave, then he can GTFO.

• I don't worry anymore about being "perfect" and "badass" - I focus on what makes me happy and joyful instead.

• And the biggest thing - I am slowly getting used to being helped and asking for help. And let me tell you sisters THAT is the most nerve-wracking, anxiety crushing, scary thing I ever did.

• And the outcome? Both men and women will happily lend a hand when I asked politely and thank them with a genuine gratitude. And is ready to help again whenever I needed. MIND. BLOWNNNNNN.

• And being fully paid for, taken care of, and spoiled during a dinner date is a million, trillion, quadrillion times better than a 50/50 coffee "date". I don't need a "great conversationalist", I need my food paid and my purse untouched.

6) I learned that when you let a man be a man, you can rest well and comfortably be the woman in the relationship. You DO NOT need to compete with him!

• It is scary AF to be vulnerable with a man after living a life completely depending on myself and only trusting myself - but I've come to understand when you want to be in a relationship, you have to learn how to balance the trust and vulnerability.

• It does NOT mean that you have to be entirely relying on him to the point that you are helpless on your own - but it also does NOT mean that you close yourself completely off and is always suspicious of him.

• When FDS says that you continue to vet him even after 10, 20 years of marriage - that means that you see him for who he is and not what you think he is - basically don't fall into the trap of gaslighting yourself. Observe, like a scientist do.

• But you still let him do his job, trust that he will take care of you, and be vulnerable as in let him solve your problem for you. Trust his actions, not his words.

• Your job is to relax, let the man be the man and let yourself comfortably be the woman. Be the one receiving, the one pampered, the one catered to. A HVM masculine man that truly loves you will be happy to do all that, trust me. It is his pride to make you happy and content.

• Modern feminism has really distorted our view on what it means to be "equal" when it comes to relationship - yes we deserve equal wage, equal chances in education, equal rights in political decision, career ladder and all that because we are Goddamn human and not second class citizens.

• But that does not mean we suddenly became the "man" in a relationship and starts competing with him, starts doing what he is suppose to be doing, starts controlling him.

• Because once you create that dynamic: a) A HVM will respectfully end it because he doesn't want to be in a relationship where you both keep fighting for the wheel - it is exhausting or b) A Feminina will happily takes a step back and let you be the "man". And by that he means he won't be lifting a finger. Ever.

• That 50/50 "Equality!! Feminist power!!" culture sounds great on the first few dates - but ask any women who lived that life for 10, 20 years, and you will find that there's a lot of resentment, exhaustion, anger, burn out symptoms, wishing that he contributes more, "I wish I can just leave and start anew", and "It doesn't feel like I have a husband, but another child".

• Yes, it feels weird when your date pays for you, buys you things, some may even give allowances because they want to see you more - it feels uncomfortable and like we are taking advantage of him - especially for my Masculina sisters. Because we never have someone care that much about us. But know that that is how a High Value Masculine man shows that he is serious, that he cares about you.

• He doesn't need you to pay your share, he doesn't need you to pay him back, he doesn't need you to "pull your weight" - he needs you to trust him and enjoy yourself. He wants to see you happy.

• A 50/50 relationship will never truly make us women happy. You may feel proud, because you show em' how badass you are, but honestly I've never yet see a truly happy woman in a 50/50 relationship.

• I've had enough of that pride, I honestly just want to be happy. If I can't find that guy, then I will be happily single forever.

Stay tuned, and stay safe.